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Fantasising about my boyfriend with another

Help needed

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Feeling screwed up, hope someone can help:


Whenever I'm having sex with my boyfriend I have to think of him sleeping with someone else. I can't seem to be in the moment and think about him and me together. I've always had to do this, and it's confusing, and draining.I really have to think about who he could be with and a situation before I can start to enjoy sex.

Isn't it weird?

Very odd.

Anyone else do this?

I understand that people fantasize about others while in bed with thier partner, but no one has ever mentioned thinking about thier partner with someone else??????

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I've often thought about this, even as strange as that may sound coming from an inexperienced & confused male. This does seem to be a recurring fantasy in the dark revealings of the female psyche. I'd like to know what drives this, and whether it has implications in other areas of dating life.


My theory, and I'm just completely groping around in the dark here, is that fantasizing about your partner with another woman might be a way of applying social desirability to him in a context where it might otherwise be absent. It's no secret that women tend to like the powerful, wealthy, leader of the pack type males. It's just human genetics that have yet to catch up with modern civilization. The strongest prosper and go on to proliferate while the weak are ignored and filtered out of the gene pool. As much as we hate it that's still, to an extent, just the way things are.


While the genetics are the same the "club them over the heads and drag them back to our caves" approach simply doesn't work in modern society. As a result women need new ways of knowing who the strongest & most dominant men are, so they look for other indicators. In addition to the obvious (physical health), women these days tend to look at men's careers, bank accounts, and ability to influence others through speech and action. The winners of these social contests are announced to the world and displayed on TV networks, over the radio, on billboards, in shopping malls, and at the checkout stands in grocery stores. Whether they're actors, musicians, artists, authors, athletes, CEOs, comedians, or politicians we've got a very robust system for keeping track of who all the desirable men (and women) are. For instance, you'll find a lot more women lusting after George Clooney than the -1- that you'd expect if everything were equal.


I think this may apply in a sexual context as well. Women want to be with men that are desirable to society as a whole. They want to be assured that the man that's having sex with them is the strongest & most influential partner available. Part of this might simply be knowing that the man is able to satisfy everybody, even though he's just satisfying you at the moment. It's wanting to see that he's able to provide financially, emotionally, in leadership, and... in bed... to society as a whole. It's wanting to know that you've chosen the right sort of person to bond with at the deepest of levels. However, since you're not directly observing him fulfilling the needs of other women you might need to create that mental image in order to achieve that sense of validation. As crazy as that sounds, it's really the only conclusion I can come up with at the moment.


Any women's perspectives on the matter?

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