Just getting stuff out of my head... Long winded...

[XxJustMexX]

This is mainly just me rambling about my situation... But any advice, suggestions, and comments welcome... Warning. This is jumbled. Pointless. And hard to follow. Don't start reading unless you've had three cups of coffee.

 

To keep from confusing anyone, since this involves two of my exes, we'll call them E (we were together 7 months last year) and D (my relationship prior to E, we were together almost 5 years).

 

So, last year one of my good friends for the past 15 years or so and I got together. This is who we're calling E. I was dating D right before this, and he broke up with his ex recently as well... We didn't get together right away because we didn't want to be each others' rebounds but we finally got together around August of 09, in which he moved back to my state so we can try and have a relationship (he'd lived out of state for the past 6 years). Well, job situation here in my state is tough, so he ended up moving back out of state in January, supposed to be temporary for a year... Mutual understanding was he and I would have an LDR and we would visit each other every two months...

 

It's been a long known fact that he suffers from very deep depression issues (due to his being bipolar) and I knew in my heart when he left that he would fall into a depression and eventually push me away, so I prepared myself for that. Come February, sure enough, we broke up because he started getting depressed, didn't know what he wanted in life, felt low all the time, pushed everyone he loved away, etc... For over a month I tried to be supportive and told him I would be here for him, that I still love him, etc... He kept me at a distance and finally, I gave up... He was the one who started the break up, saying he wasn't sure if he was still "in love" with me, needed to be alone, was always sad, etc... I was the one that say fine, and accepted the break up. It was I guess a mutual thing, but I still think of it as his doing.

 

Since February, I've started going out more, enjoying life, having fun with friends... living life single. Well, eventually my ex prior to him, (this is D) whom I'd been with for almost 5 years and I met up again and kind of started kind of seeing each other. I made it clear to him that I enjoy being single and that we can take things slow, and if things go well and the past negative aspects in our relationship change, that maybe we can get back together again. I just don't want to jump back into a relationship with him because -- A) I don't want it to be a rebound thing -- B) I don't want to have to feel as if I'm only with him to get over E -- C) We had a lot of things that needed working on when we broke up... therefore I didn't want to jump right back into the same thing...

 

Anyway, D and I have been hanging out for the past couple of months and things are going ok... We're starting to work through our prior problems that we had that broke us up. Things aren't going perfect, but we're working on it... I stopped contacting E in the last month because I honestly got so hurt by things he'd said and done when he left that I started to get angry with him, then that anger turned to indifference. I started to not care about him anymore, and basically just wanted to forget that he and I ever dated and return to having just a "friendship" with him. I guess me hanging out with D did kind of turn into a rebound thing as it turned out the same way, I started getting over E...

 

For what it's worth, E is one of those people that will always be in my life... he's my best friend's brother, therefore he's not one of those people that I can just ignore and never have to see again. We'll cross paths all the time throughout our lives, so it's better if we stay on good terms. He is also one of my best friends as well...

 

Anyway, a month ago, E started taking some Prozac to help with his depression. He would contact me via text here and there telling me his progress with getting better. He even asked me about Seroquel, a mood stabilizer last week and asked me if he should take it, etc... He keeps asking me for advice, telling me how things are going with him, etc. But honestly, I really don't care anymore. Just three months ago, I would give anything for him to come back and wished for days on end that he never would have left and done this... but he did. And that made me angry eventually, and my feelings started to fade.

 

Anyway... So fast forward to recent days... E has been contacting me via text with little things such as "hi... or hey what's up..." I'll text back with something short like hey, or nothing, what's up with you... I'm not doing it to be spiteful, I just truly don't want to speak to him and be caught in his up and down moods. I told him prior to his leaving that once he gets depressed, I KNOW he's going to want to break up (it's a pattern bipolar people go through during depression swings), and he still left... this made me angry and resentful towards him for the past couple of months.

 

Here's the thing. Just three months ago, I was SO madly in love with E... one of my best friends... someone I've known for 15 years... We planned a future together, he's NO DOUBT the sweetest most caring guy I know. I even told him that once he hops out of depression, I'll be here waiting, and I'll be here helping him with whatever he needs... What bothers me about him is that when he gets depressed, he pushes people away and wants to be alone... who wouldn't take that personally after a while? He does this every year pretty much for a few months, then he gets over it, and he's fine again. This time, we were in a relationship when it happened, so I took it a lot more personally than I did when we were just friends. There's only so much of "I'm not sure if I'm in love with you... You shouldn't wait for me... and I'm not sure if I'll ever come out of it..." that a girl can take, and for me, I gave up almost 2 months later...

 

Just two months ago, I would have given anything for him to come back... but now that he is, I don't really care anymore. He hasn't told me straight out that he wants to get back together, but he's said little things here and there that gives me the impression that he's trying to squeeze his self back into my life. The less I contact him, the more he contacts me. (Which proves to you NCers that NC works!) But the thing is, I don't even care if he does anymore. This sucks...

 

This sucks because I find myself back in the same ole rut with D... trying to fix a relationship that I don't want to fix... But the one with E that I DID want to fix, I don't want to fix anymore, because I give up trying...

 

Sigh.

 

Everyone here on ENA is wishing for their ex to come crawling back... and here I am, thinking mine is, but I don't care anymore. I bet there's a ton of people that wish they were in my place with their ex right now, but honestly, it's not as great as it sounds. I want to feel the same way about him again... I want to be in love with him again... But he hurt me so much when he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore that I can't trust he won't hurt me again in the future... It's like the perfect relationship down the drain because he said things to me that makes me not trust in the future anymore... This sucks.

[Lady_Lyla]

Maybe you tell him that right now you just want to be friends. that his words hurt you. even though you know that he was in a bad state when he said them it still hurts. Maybe tell him that if he stays on his meds and they really truly help with his mood swings and depression that you guys could possibly give it another chance. that you just don't have the energy to deal with his up and down push and pull when he is depressed. Which is why if the meds control that there could be a chance? Hope I helped.

[redherring]

I'm confused;-

Why are you upset that you dont care anymore?

Why are you trying to fix a relationship you don't want to fix?