Saw the ex. for a second& 5 wks no contact shattered!!..

[Brandell]

It has been 10 weeks since my girlfriend of nearly 2 years left me. It has been 5 weeks since I last spoke to her or saw her. During those 5 weeks I found myself becoming stronger with every day because I had not seen or heard from her. It was the only way I could cope with the loss. I love the girl deeply and did all the usual begging, bargaining, manipulating at the beginning to no avail so I inststigated no contact and it has been working for me... until yesterday that is.

 

Such a small thing happened but it was enough to shatter my confidence... I saw her stopped at a set of traffic lights and I passed her going the other way but in that nano-second what I saw was that she looked amazing. There was a small smile on her face and she was staring into distance but what most got me about her was her hairstyle... it was completely different..it used to be dark and very short, now it is shocking blonde and she has grown it longer... she looked like a completely different person. Of course I thought to myself that she did that to exorcise the ghost of me, to change her appearance to move on.. I could not get that thought out of my hand and she looked so content and happy, sitting there at those lights, perhaps thinking how good her life is, or about the great new boyfriend she was seeing tonight... all these thoughts floored me.... and all this cos I saw my ex. for half a second as I drove by her... I am not even sure if she saw me as she was wearing shades.

 

Isn't it incredible that a tiny incident like that can shatter 5 weeks of out of sight, out of mind no contact which has improved me considerably. I am almost thinking now of moving from the area as she only lives a 5 minute drive from me and it is a miracle in a way that I have not seen her before.. BUT the big question is: If just seeing her alone in her car for half a second affected me so much HOW would I feel if I saw her walking down the road arm in arm with another guy... I would probably collapse.

 

Need to do something about this... i am not ready to see her. Last night proved it.

 

Any insight, relation, thoughts etc. greatly appreciated

[bexcelant]

 

 

Yeah..I've been through that too. It's not pleasant and neither one of you will know exactly what to say. In that moment that you do run into her, it'll be like you're a deer in headlights. What do you do? I ran into my ex with her bf...it was like to kill me. What did I do? Nothing...I just stood there like an idiot talking in my group of friends and didn't make a move toward them at all. Another group formed up, and we both stood there in our respective groups staring at each other not saying a word.

 

I thought about that encounter for about 4 weeks and decided to break no contact. I'm not so sure that was a good move long run. I"m going to tell you that the only way to prepare and it's not guaranteed 100% to work is visualize yourself running accross her with a bf and practicing in your head what you would do. When the time comes, will you do what you practice..maybe but there are no guarantees and...you're heart will still be shattered into a million pieces.

 

I know that I'm no comfort but as you accept them together, it gets easier and easier.

 

BEX

[skynet74]

I can kind of relate. I haven't called my ex for two weeks. I just started feeling a little better. Then last night I was looking at Yahoo Personals and guess who I see? Yes that's Right. The ex is on the prowl. I knew that obviously she wasn't going to stay single...... but just seeing her face and her personal ad in print confirms that she really wants to move on. It hit me right in the gut to see that. Now I feel like I have to start from square one. Some things you just can't control. All you can do is try to accept and get over it. In the end it should make us stronger people. Hurts like hell in the meantime though.

 

 

 

John

[amaranth_04]

Hi Brandell,

 

I got your message. It's fine.

 

Yes, your reaction is understandable esp as the meeting was unexpected although you lived in close proximity to her.

 

It's not an unusual reaction. For one, it's only been a little over 2 months since the break-up. And there will be a first time after that... the first time u can think of her and not cry... the first time you can wake up in the morning and realize you didn't think of her last night.. the first time u see her after the break (or NC) which happened... and then the first time u see her w a new bf..

 

There's not much you can do except a little of what Bexcelant stated.... visualize your next move. Don't go crazy thinking about it but just mentally prepare your reaction, as close as you would like it to be.

 

Best thing to do if you were to run into her alone or with another guy is just smile an acknowledgement if she catches your eye... if not, just keep on walking and walk straight home or the nearest semi-private area and take deep breaths and calm yourself down.

 

If she does stop you for a chat, stay calm, distance yourself a little and say a few words,, then leave... if you can't bring yourself to chat, just cut it short politely, a smile and a hi and bye and leave... the thing is, you don't want her to see you hyperventilate... so if you feel you're close to it, just get yourself to a safe place and let go.

 

One last thing, why do you want to see her.. if by accident, ok.. if not, yes, you're not ready for a calm conversation with her... calm is the best approach here I think, seeing as she may not feel for you the way you feel about her..

 

Does this help..

[fmfisdead]

Hey man, I know how you feel, and don't think your week or something because this destroyed you just seeing her. Your not, look at yourself, you have moved on and gotten over it. Just you blocked her out, you weren't even thinking about her, then you saw her. And BAM! everything is brought up again, but tenfold since you had all those thoughts racing. I mean who knows, how do you know her favorite song wasn't on the radio and thats why she was smiling, and she got her hair done because her friends thought it would look nice? I mean not everything has to lead back to her having a new boyfriend, and if you already know, disregard all I've said. But just because she was smiling doesn't mean any of that at all, and your overanalyzing.

I know because I do that too, and its actually really bad to do, as it just makes you upset for something that might not even be true. But don't think you are weak, because obviously you have overcome this so far. I have faith in you, you will be strong, and you will be happy someday, just take it one day at a time man, and time heals all. I hope i helped some, if you need me you can pm me or reply back.

[peachents]

It happened to me 2, totally unexpected and within a very short time after the break up. I saw them walk past me arm in arm and suddenly i could hear what my mate was saying to me or focus on anything!

 

I think the best approach is to prepare and pu yourself through the pain of imagining them together for a while. I know that sounds weird but trust me, it works! After a while you will be bored of this visualisation and it wont bother you anymore. When/if you do see her with someone else, it will be like the visualisation and thus will not bother you either!!

[a_little_sparrow]

I have to say reading brandell's post scares me. I also live only 5 minutes from my ex. On top of that we will be seeing each other in the fall, guaranteed. She's in a graduate program, and I'm on the staff with that graduate program (not faculty, just staff).

 

And I guess what scares me so much about brandell's post is the hopelessness in it. I realize there has to be a moment when we all accept that the ex is just that, an ex. He or she has asked for this change, and we have been forced to accept it. In most cases unwillingly.

 

And while we hope that something may come up in the future, we all face this need to finally accept this change. Even while we still deal with these very strong emotions toward the other person.

 

I guess I would suggest a couple more optimistic takes on what happened. First, like fmfisdead, you can't assume that she's thinking of some other boyfriend, or how her life is absolutely perfect since leaving you. The key to no contact is getting out of the ex's mind, and walking away from the overanalyzing. This might be one of the best days she's had since the breakup, and she was happy about that. You can at least think it's something related to a change she's noticed in herself that she's glad about.

 

One other little thing, though, is you have no idea how she would react if she saw you.

 

More important is for you, I think you shouldn't be put back to square 1. Think about the changes you've gone through in the past 5 weeks. Think about what you've learned about yourself, how you can be independent, confident in who you are, capable of looking toward the future with some optimism. Yes, seeing her is REALLY upsetting, and those emotions are going to be there. I guess what I'm saying is it shouldn't take another 5 weeks to get you back to where you were before you saw her. It's perfectly normal to have a strong reaction on seeing someone you had such strong emotions for. Now just think of the person you've become, and try leaning on that.

[Brandell]

I have no idea or not if she is seeing a new guy... and I don't want to know. She is extremely hot though so I know they would be flocking around her but.. she is extremely choosy and very moral.. she does not sleep around...but.. she is, according to her, waiting for the guy who provides (sexual and emotional support, which I did and she was very happy with it infact got obsessed with it - one reason for our breakup) AND (financial, practical, logical, leading, organisational, realistic support)... considering she had 2 teenage sons and I have 2 pre-teenage kids, son and daughter... the liklehood of finding someone to take care of her every practical and emotional need with her baggage and emotional issues and at her age (44) is, I would have thought, low.. but knowing her she will probably accomplish it

[sweetione]

I also live close to the ex and was at a festival yesterday and all I found myself doing was scanning the crowd, trying to find the ex but then also getting really scared if I did see him. And what if he was with a girl or just talking to girls. How would I handle it. Just thinking about it made me sick.

[tere]

It happened to me something similar... some weeks after my ex broke up. I saw him driving near my house and at the stop lights he saw me and tried to cover his face... not that he lives nearby or anything. I then saw him for coffee a couple of days afterwards... and even when I thought I was feeling more confident about our separation I realized that it was much more harder than I thought it was... you feel that way because you still care and it was an important person in your life.

My advice would be to focus more on your personal strenght... thinking what is that you need to feel confident if a situation like that you mention happens.