How do I live without You?

[tristesse]

Well it's been 26 days now with pretty much no contact except two that gave me the occasion to yell at him m ore and let him know what a coward he is. For those of you who are reading me for the first time, to make a long story short here's my story: My boyfriend of 4 years left me out of blue. He just took off basically. He's mother and siblings live in Los Angeles and his father lives here in Toronto (his mother took off with the four of them after the divorce) he moved back here for me after we started to date….few years after they moved to Los Angeles…I am in Toronto. Anyway, he's Jewish and I am not and he didn't believei in it at all, however his mother is very religious and became orthodox (specially after the divorce, because her husband, my boy friend's father is catholic, so she blamed the failure of the marriage to interfaith and all……so she didn't want her kids to make the same mistake and wanted them to marry Jewish for sure!… So of course the fact that her son had moved to a different country to be with a shiska (term used for girl friend's of Jewish boys that are not Jewish) killed her! Her mission was to break us apart and my boy friend made sure to reassure me all along that if it came to choosing he would to chos me…but I didn't want him to ever chose so I was so nice to his family and tried my best…anyway… 1 month and 2 weeks ago he went to Los Angeles to attend his mother's second marriage to an orthodox man whom she barely knows… anyway, 2 weeks after, a night before he was suppose to come back he called me to tell me that his brother and sisters ( who are 18, 17 and 23 ) need him, he needs to be in their life and stop feeling guilty and how he can't take missing them any longer and how he can't live without me either…anyway, he broke u with me and also another day told me that he knew I wasn't the one… Basically he chose his family over me because he knew he would not be able to stand up for us, and he was a coward and made me believe until the last minute that he loved me and all with no signs….

Well, my whole world changed around since then. I feel different at first I thought I wouldn't be able to survive this, I thought I was going to die….but my sister's wedding is in 2 weeks and she means the world to me, so seeing her sad while she was suppose to be the happiest forced me to get out of bed and to live…. At least to pretend it at first…

I cried so much that crying became a part of my routine, like taking a shower and eating…..I started smoking again and I lost so much weight….After just one call, my life turned around, I felt like I was dying inside because it was so impossible to believe it to live with it at to feel so helpless at the same time…It also became a failure to me who has been against religions for so long, I believed that people should all live in peace and I thought that love would conquers everything…. And he made me thing so too…we talked about the whole wedding stuff, last year he took me on a trip to St Martin for our third anniversary to a place to try diamonds … life was just beautiful but then after one call things changed, my life changed… I had to hate the person that I loved the most because even if I tried to tell myself, ok it's his family… I couldn't accept the way he did it and how he was selfish and only thought of how he can do it so it's easier for him…..I asked him to come back and do it but he was like "If I see you I wouldn't be able to leave you"….anyway… today I got up feeling horrible, it was his graduation day fr university and I was waiting this day forever….. and some who since the break up I' was thinking that June 12 was going to be a very emotional day for me…. But this morning was hard…I cried looking at the sunshine and picturing him beside me, picturing how the day would have been if…. And if…….But I got myself busy….I spend the day with myself….. sunshine, tanning, nice cocktails and at blasted the music…. I danced and enjoyed myself…. It was great….. and I feel so much better now…. I also spend a lot of time thinking about this whole thing and I feel so much better…I came to this conclusion that it's not that I should hate him but he's no longer a person who can bring me anything in life…. At one point in my life he was the greatest thing and helped me to learn so much and was my teammate….

But now it's time for me to let go of this team and find a new one…. I mean I should stop thinking about what the does and where he is…. 2 things that are super difficult to do after spending 7 days a week with a person for four years….. even eating reminds me of him…lol

Also one thing I find funny is that in this forum people talk about rebound and finding someone else in order to forget. I can't even imagine being with someone else… my sex drive is so low….oh I just miss him but being SO strong…I really think now that every one is right TIME./…TIME IS ALL WE NEED

[jasminebose]

Hi,

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing really well. Keep up the good work. I read one of your last posts and really felt bad for you- it must be awful for both you and him. This is a really tough situation but you are right you need to move on with your own life and find a new focus. Good luck with it all,

JZ