a question about no contact.

[alvina]

first of all can i say that NC works i have used it before...and it definitely works!

 

but im a little confused about my situation.

 

me and the guy werent in a relationship, we didnt even speak about feelings, we kissed had THE TALK in which i made the mistake of trying to convince him and then he said hes not sure he wants anything right now and not sure how he feels about me but wants to be friends, so i can have all the space i need and we can be friends when im ready to be.

 

will no contact work? if so...for how long should i do this no contact thing?

[shessofly]

if you mean will it work in terms of helping you get over him and feel better, then the answer is yes.

 

if you mean will it work in terms of making him come after you, then no, not necessarily.

[alvina]

yeah i meant will it make him come back to me rather than me get over him....im so confused...part of me also thinks no contact could completely destroy our friendship!

 

and when i said NC works i have used it in the past...i meant after my bf of 2 years broke up with me...4 weeks later he was literally sprinting back to me.

[Thx]

first of all can i say that NC works i have used it before...and it definitely works!

 

but im a little confused about my situation.

 

me and the guy werent in a relationship, we didnt even speak about feelings, we kissed had THE TALK in which i made the mistake of trying to convince him and then he said hes not sure he wants anything right now and not sure how he feels about me but wants to be friends, so i can have all the space i need and we can be friends when im ready to be.

 

will no contact work? if so...for how long should i do this no contact thing?

 

I'm a little confused here too Alvina. Why would you want NC when he is just a friend?

 

If you wanted a romantic attachment and he didn't, then yes I would go ahead with NC.

 

It might be a little difficult though, he will wonder why you cut him off completely... why you are not "friends" still...

 

Personally, I would tell him that you have a new romantic interest... (okay, a convenient fib...)

 

99% of the time honesty is the best policy, but there are times when a fib can be the best for all concerned.

 

Thx

[alvina]

Thx

 

that is what happened...i wanted a romantic attachment and he didnt, i admitted my feelings for him, he said he wasnt sure he wanted a relationship but he does want to be friends.

 

and yup thats where the difficultly lies...he might think..well if we are friends then why has she cut me off....and then we might lose our friendship :S

 

so im confused about what to do? NC..if so for how long? minimal contact maybe?

[Thx]

Thx

 

that is what happened...i wanted a romantic attachment and he didnt, i admitted my feelings for him, he said he wasnt sure he wanted a relationship but he does want to be friends.

 

and yup thats where the difficultly lies...he might think..well if we are friends then why has she cut me off....and then we might lose our friendship :S

 

so im confused about what to do? NC..if so for how long? minimal contact maybe?

 

Yeah, I kind of got that from your starter, sorry things didn't work out.

 

I wonder how many times I have fallen in love and it just wasn't reciprocated. I know it's very hard to keep someone you have romantic feelings for as a "friend", no wonder you are confused here, it's one of the toughest situations.

 

I think if I were you Alvina I would "drift"...

 

Don't go complete NC, keep it as a friendship. (And hey, friendships are great, but not when you have romantic feelings) so I would go gradual NC...

 

One day you will be hooked up with a good guy and things will take their natural course, but in the meantime... for your sake I would go gradual NC.

 

Thx

[alvina]

thanks thx...yeah its a horrible situation!

 

so should i continue to text first/online message first?

[Thx]

thanks thx...yeah its a horrible situation!

 

so should i continue to text first/online message first?

 

Yeah, nothing "sudden" as far as NC, but I would be working towards NC.

 

You guys have each kind of "moved on" already, I think I would step down texting and all contact.

 

Sure, you might be stepping down contact with your best buddy... but see, you will be the one pining away for more than just friendship.

 

You may not end up with total NC, but I would step the contact down considerably.

 

This is indeed a hard situation and I feel your pain, but the last thing you want to do is keep close contact.

 

Also, while you're keeping contact with this guy Mr. Right might slip away.

 

Thx

[alvina]

eurgh....like right now, i am desperate to text him!

 

whats confusing about this situation is that..he said take as much space and time u want to recover..

 

so whilst im not contacting him....does that show im moving on or not? which the whole point of no contact in the first place :S

 

i did see him yesterday amongst a bunch of mutual friends and i managed to play it very cool which im proud of!

[Thx]

eurgh....like right now, i am desperate to text him!

 

whats confusing about this situation is that..he said take as much space and time u want to recover..

 

so whilst im not contacting him....does that show im moving on or not? which the whole point of no contact in the first place :S

 

i did see him yesterday amongst a bunch of mutual friends and i managed to play it very cool which im proud of!

 

Yep, NC means just that, No Contact.

 

Now, this doesn't mean that you must avoid him or be distant when you guys are among friends.

 

It is hard to put a situation like this under scientific scrutiny you know, lol. But really, NC is usually best in situations like this, it really is.

 

I would step down the texts and online contact and really most contact. If you step down gradually I doubt he will be alarmed or something.

 

Guys will do this... kiss you and give you mixed signals like that and then be ambiguous...

 

But... when in doubt NC is your best bet.

 

Thx

[oldenoughtoknow]

Every situation and every person is different. You said NC worked for you last time. It sounds like you are going to need some time to get over him. There's no reason to torture yourself with normal contact. You need to let this go. Do what's best for you. Don't worry about what he's feeling at all. Who knows, it may drive him closer to you...but don't bet the farm on that outcome. It can be fairly effective to get someone back after a break up. But you two never had a romantic relationship. Do what you need to do for YOU, and when you think you can handle being around him without going crazy, then give him a call.

[alvina]

thanks richpart.

 

I think im gonna stick with NC for a while....atm i feel like he played me so im kinda angry!