Please Help....Do I Contact? *WARNING * LOOONG READ

[doejan]

I'm in a situation where I'm not sure if I am the dumper or dumpee. In fact, even though I believe so, I cannot say that I am 100% sure we've broken up. I posted about my 4 month, long distance relationship on the "breaking up" board some days ago. When I first posted, I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Now, I wonder if I should try to contact him in a few days. I will attempt to create a simple (estimated) time table of events and circumstances to take into consideration.

 

We met online. We live a few hours apart in the same state, and his work sends him to different states for several weeks at times. Our first phone conversation lasted for 10 hours straight. Crazy chemistry. I had been dating a few guys here and there but no one wowed my socks off like him. We conversed basically everyday for about 1.5 weeks then we met in person. We were like magnets for each other. Insane chemistry. I had never had someone soooo as into me as he was. In fact it was a little overwhelming because he was so new to me. In fact I told him, (very tactfully), that the barrage of mushing all over me was just a little overwhelming. He appeared to take that well enough and scaled back. We decided to be exclusive during our first meeting. Everything was intense and it happened fast. Within the first 1.5 months we were talking about a future together with all the trimmings. I was falling fast.

 

Around the 1.5 month mark, he started to have serious family issues and emergencies to deal with. The fact that he was out of state complicated his ability to resolve things and offer his support to family. The phone calls and texts between us started to dwindle. We would make plans and emergencies would always prevent us from seeing each other. I would call to confirm a trip for the next day and wouldn't hear from him until 5 days later. Of course, this is after me calling and texting him on at least 3 of those 5 days. My issue wasn't fallen through plans but the lack of consideration and courtesy. I would tell him that he could take 20 seconds to respond to ONE of my texts to let me know that we won't be able to meet if something comes up. This happened more than once.

 

He would apologize for neglecting me and say that when things go wrong he becomes almost solely focused on resolving the ill. He started to spend more time with his children who he needed to be with and our conversations grew less. I would text and he wouldn't respond for days. He would rarely answer my calls. I started to become less patient with him. I would text something funny, neutral, or sexy things and would get nothing in return. Then I would send some pissed off texts and he would pop up within a couple of days. This pattern became the norm. In fact, he told me more than once to get on his head when he starts to wander. He wanted me to be like..."Hey dou**ebag, if you want this to work the you need to get your head out your a**!" He said that verbatim. So, my "hey, stop ignoring me" texts were brash.

 

What bothered me more than not having any face time and dwindling phone time was the fact that he had stopped flirting with me, didn't seem bothered by not having seen me in over a month and he made no suggestion that he would somehow make up recent difficulties to me once other things in his life cleared up. However, the whole time he has been telling me that he wants to be with me.

 

In late March we broke up for some days. We planned for me to take a trip where he was working. I was to leave after work on a Friday. Overnight, going into Friday, he told me that one of the guys on the job got hurt and that he would call asap. I expected him to call after he left work but when I woke up to go to work I saw that he hadn't called ot texted. I called to confirm plans with him Friday morning and sent 3 texts throughout the day asking if we still had plans, and got no response. By the time I left work I was angry. I sent a ream em up text where I explained that if he didn't want to meet because of what happened at work that was fine but he could have responded to le to me know. I added that I guessed I would hear from him the following week as if nothing happened like before but by that time it could be too late. That was at 6:30pm. At 9ish that night, I got a text from him..."Then move the f*** on." That prompted me to send a not so nice text and we sent back and forth for a few. As a result, we broke up. I said something real bad in one of my texts and I apologized for it. I sent him several texts trying to make up with him. This went on for a few days. He finally responded and we talked and made up. He told me he was in a bad mood when I texted him and didn't take too kindly to me hinting that we would be through if he waited until the following week to call. He did apologize and said that he handled it wrong. He added that I did not do anything wrong, that it was him.

 

Right after we reconciled, I told him that we needed to see each other. By then it had been 1.5 months since we'd been together. I stressed that we needed face time to officially make up and to reconnect and reaffirm why we're together. He agreed and we were supposed to talk about getting together the next day. I didn't hear from him until 8 days later.

 

He had told me about a procedure that he needed to have done. Doctors found something that needed to be removed. So when I finally heard from him he told me that he had basically been hiding away because he got some very bad test results and he didn't want to be seen as weak or for me to worry about him. This was the day before the procedure and he had been back at home from work the whole time I hadn't heard from him. I stressed that he call as soon as he could after the procedure to let me know that he was ok, which he actually did.

 

I talked to him 5 days after that, and that was only after hounding him through texts with more T'd off messages for days. He sounded terrible and explained that he had been sick healing from the procedure..ok no problem, I thought. More days went by with no contact. We talked again. He told me that he was feeling better and back to spending more time with his family. I texted him the next day and asked if I could come see him that upcoming weekend. I explained that if he didn't want me to see him that way, that was fine too. I didn't hear from him until days later.

 

One day I realized that our conversations has dwindled down to about 10 minutes, once per week. I sent a text letting him know how disatisfied I was with that, as I had been doing for several weeks. He called me immediately...wow! He sounded great and was in great spirits. He was on his way to a doctor's appointment and had to go out of town. We talked about seeing each other. He said we would make plans after he returned home. We talked about him disappearing. He apologized and again told me to lay into him when he goes under radar. That night I texted with a sexy message and a funny one- got no response. I did not call or text him the followin day and did not hear from him either. Day 3- I sent 2 texts requesting to speak with him, no response. Day 4- I sent 4 texts- no response. Day 5- I layed deep into his tail. I called him an ignorant individual, (that is like fighting words for him). I told him that any guy who reads texts from his woman and sees that she's called but makes himself unavailable for days is an ignorant dog. I told him that if he wants to be with me then he needs to act like it and show me or step aside for a man who will. I told him that if he wanted a once per week pen pal then I was no longer his girl, that maybe he should find another fool because I was tired of playing his. I let him know that I loved him but added that I hoped he could get it together soon. I ended by saying that I wasn't going to send any more texts to him. I said a lot of things, really nothing new except it was more in your face and ummm yea, calling him ignorant and an idiot.

 

I heard nothing from him for 4 days after reaming him out. Then he called. I answered and he said something inaudible. I heard the word pretty and that was it and then the call dropped. I called him back and it went to voicemail. That's when I realized that he hung up on me. I texted him to say that I didn't hear what he said, got no response. It bothers me that I didn't hear what he said. All I heard was pretty. he could have said, "It's over and you were never that pretty," or "I've got a new girl and she's pretty," or "This isn't going to be pretty." I have no idea.

 

 

The next day I sent a text, and one the follwing day... I've posted them here. I have not sent anything or called since.

 

Sent 5/8-

 

Not sure what last night was about, didn't understand your words but i thought I heard one word- pretty. Seemed like you were going for a reaction. I'm texting you now so you got your reaction. If you were telling me about a nw girl you've got who's pretty...congratulations. I sincerely hope things work out. Maybe she'll give you what I obviously didn't. My bad if that was not what you said. The angry texts I sent were harsh, I admit. You told me to lay into you when you start to wander, so that's what I did. My intention was to stress the seriousness of my frustration with you hiding away right after we talked about it once again, although it was probably too harsh. I never liked having to be a bit** in order for you to pay attn, I've only wanted to show you my sweet side. If we talked every other day instead of what's become the norm then the angry texts wouldn't exist. I've been longing to be in your presence more than anything in my immediate life. I wanted you to look in my eyes and see for yourself how much I truly adore you. I wanted you to feel that thing between us again, wanting you to remember. I love you so much, despite my bit**ing and despite your flaws, but contact once a week is where I draw the line. Sorry. As lovesick as I have been, I have to preserve some for of dignity. I still hope that you will get it together soon because underneath the confusion, I think we're golden together. I told you before that we needed to see each other after how difficult it's been. I knew that seeing each other was the only think that would set us straight again. I told you but you didn't listen or believe me. And I needed to know what was on your mind which would have required more than 10-15 minutes here and there. You were stubborn instead. You didn't set aside time for us to meet and started to talk to me less and less...and now we are here, which is an utter shame. All that crazy, wonderful chemistry, attraction and fondness wasted. Very sad. Again, I have never felt anything like you but i am only half of the equation and I'm depleted of energy. Then again, if you've got someone else it's too late anyway. Regardless, I wish you happiness. This is very hard for me. I dream about you, think about our time together and it gives me a cold, empty chill.

 

 

Sent 5/9 -

 

I'm sorry 4 calling u ignorant, ignorant dog and idiot. That wasnt very nice. I can only assume that i crossed a line. In my defense, u told me to stay on u. I did remind u about ignoring me in a text i sent on 5/1. I sent 4 that day and others in the days b4 in which u didnt respond. By 5/2 i was really pissed. When i imagined u reading my nice texts, seeing the sexy pic i sent and putting ur phone down instead of responding with anything at all, i felt dissed and rejected. We had just talked about it but u still ignored me. So between us talking about it again, me reminding u in a nice way with no response, and u continuing to ignore me...created much anger. Sure, i didnt know what was going on with u that day. U could have been dealing with a bad test result from ur doctor or another setback in ur family. I realize it may have been inconsiderate. When i texted u on 5/1, saying i needed to talk, i wanted to know what happened with ur appt. I wasnt texting to bug u about meeting. Honey i try to get ur attn but nothing i try works except reading u the riot act. The angry texts i sent were full of hot air in an attempt to "wake u up." u said that my texts didnt bother u. This time i went 4 the extra umph and said things i didnt even feel or believe at the time. I didnt want to play games or end our relationship. I just wanted to be tough and make u pay attn. I truly hate being mean to u but other methods fail. Im far from perfect. I hope that u can soon forgive me because my intention is never to hurt u intentionally. If i just plain went too far, to a point of no return, maybe one day you will be able to look back and know that I really did not try to cause you harm. I do not want to be with anyone else but i will have no choice in the matter if u decide u're through. Whatever the case will be, at least I've said my piece. Take care and know that I really do love you and never wanted to hurt you.

 

 

Ok, I don't know if I am the dumper or the dumpee? I don't know if he ended it when he did his drive by phone call or not. Considering that it's normal for him to go underground, he very well could pop up and want to talk it out. Then again, considering how infrequent our conversations had become, he might not think much of never talking to me again. I just don't know. I do know that I crossed a line with him.

 

I wonder if I should text him in a few days, once it's been a week since I sent my last text to him. That would be 12 days after sending the offending text. I figure that may be enough time for him to cool off. I think the risk may be worth taking because when we had our spat in March, me continuing to text him instead of NC was what made him want to try again. If he can forgive me for calling him ignorant, and still wants to try, I believe we can work it out if we really talk and go super slow this time. I know there are definite unhealthy patterns and behaviors going on but I think we can resolve those issues. Maybe I'm fooling myself.

 

Any opinions are GREATLY appreciated. Even if it's critical. Thank you!

[bulletproof]

You were together for only four months, and most of that was conducted via text message. Sounds to me like he has something else going on wherever he is. It also sounds suspicious to me that there was so much intensity so quickly. Don't bother with this guy anymore.

[minou]

Sweetie... I hate to say this because I know you're really hurting... it just doesn't sound like he's that into you right now. A phone call or text return is so easy. There's absolutely no excuse for his neglecting you this way. Try really hard to look around and see who is else out there for you. You are a very loving person who deserves to be treated right. Good luck. It will hurt for a while, but he didn't treat you well at all, other than for a very brief time. Do not contact him again. If he doesn't care, he really doesn't want to hear it and you are wasting your energy. He knows what he did wrong... you are giving him your power by complaining about it. If your being out of contact brings him back, demand to be treated right and settle for nothing less.

[doejan]

You were together for only four months, and most of that was conducted via text message. Sounds to me like he has something else going on wherever he is. It also sounds suspicious to me that there was so much intensity so quickly. Don't bother with this guy anymore.

 

Hmmm....It's possible that he's been seeing someone else but I honestly doubt that he has been. I dunno, maybe he is now. I believe that he has been spending time with his family and his children like he told me. He developed guilt about being away from his kids, brought on by his ex's live-in BF claiming the kids as his. He's afraid of losing them and has spent as much time as possible with them ever since. One of his siblings fell very ill a couple of months ago and has been in and out of good health. Plus he's been coping with his father's recent death, and now his own health. So, he's had a ton on his plate. I think his priorities changed and I got put on the back burner. I don't think it was another woman.

 

I am geninuenly curious, what is suspicious regarding the age vs the intensity of the relationship?

[doejan]

Sweetie... I hate to say this because I know you're really hurting... it just doesn't sound like he's that into you right now. A phone call or text return is so easy. There's absolutely no excuse for his neglecting you this way. Try really hard to look around and see who is else out there for you. You are a very loving person who deserves to be treated right. Good luck. It will hurt for a while, but he didn't treat you well at all, other than for a very brief time. Do not contact him again. If he doesn't care, he really doesn't want to hear it and you are wasting your energy. He knows what he did wrong... you are giving him your power by complaining about it. If your being out of contact brings him back, demand to be treated right and settle for nothing less.

 

 

Thank you so much for that. You are right about everything in your reply. I won't send anything else to him. I think I've said more than enough for him to ponder.

 

If you're reading this....do you think I thoroughly expressed a decent bulk of my grievences with him in the text messages I copied to the OP?

[bulletproof]

 

I am geninuenly curious, what is suspicious regarding the age vs the intensity of the relationship?

 

Most healthy adult relationships don't escalate that quickly, especially when there is so little face-to-face contact. I'm not saying it never happens fast, but that usually occurs when there is lots of time spent together in real life (not text messages).

 

You are making too many excuses for him... it's understandable that he has a lot of things on his plate, but so does everyone.

[nguyenal]

I am sort of in the same situation. I have been seeing this guy on and off. He is similar to your guy and doesn't text. We don't talk. I called him and he never picked up his phone. He only talked to me before I came over to his place. I seen a lot of red flags but I guess my heart was so into him that I ignored and tried to reason it out.

 

I think we both need to move on.

 

By the way, this is my first day of NC.

[karvala]

Ok, I don't know if I am the dumper or the dumpee? I don't know if he ended it when he did his drive by phone call or not. Considering that it's normal for him to go underground, he very well could pop up and want to talk it out. Then again, considering how infrequent our conversations had become, he might not think much of never talking to me again. I just don't know. I do know that I crossed a line with him.

 

You should stop blaming yourself for this and speculating about what might happen, as much as you can. If you crossed a line with him, he crossed a line with you much earlier, over and over again, when he treated you with complete contempt, not answering simply texts or phone calls for weeks at a time. I'm frankly amazed that you put up with it for as long as you did.

 

I know that the initial chemistry was incredible, and you doubtless want to somehow try to recapture that, but honestly it's not going to happen, and look at the relationship as a whole. Were you really happy most of the time, when he wasn't responding to you for days or weeks at a time? I don't think so. That is how it would be in the future with this guy; he's not going to change fundamentally into what you want. The first couple of weeks were the joy of someone new; after that you got the real him, and it's not a pretty sight. Regardless of whether or not he contacts you again, do yourself a favour and don't contact him anymore. You can do way better than this.

[TheJerseyKid]

I took the time to read most of this, and as a guy, here is my opinion, or I could be completely wrong, who knows. I think he's making about 98% of the "excuses" "emergencies" "work stuff" up. Personally, he's acting the way like a lot of guys act during an affair. The fact that you are so far away, and haven't been having face time, leads me to believe he probably has a wife or girlfriend or some other sort of situation going on. He probably feels bad because he knows you guys have an awesome connection, and maybe he just sucks at letting people down. This is just kind of how I take the whole thing.

[doejan]

Most healthy adult relationships don't escalate that quickly, especially when there is so little face-to-face contact. I'm not saying it never happens fast, but that usually occurs when there is lots of time spent together in real life (not text messages).

 

You are making too many excuses for him... it's understandable that he has a lot of things on his plate, but so does everyone.

 

 

Most of the escalation occurred upon our first meeting- we spent a glorious weekend together. Then due to distance, text messaging first, and phone calls second, became the mode of communication.

 

Excuses? Yup, perhaps so. I know in my heart of hearts that he has no reasonable excuses for ignoring my texts and calls so frequently for days on end.

[doejan]

I am sort of in the same situation. I have been seeing this guy on and off. He is similar to your guy and doesn't text. We don't talk. I called him and he never picked up his phone. He only talked to me before I came over to his place. I seen a lot of red flags but I guess my heart was so into him that I ignored and tried to reason it out.

 

I think we both need to move on.

 

By the way, this is my first day of NC.

 

 

 

So, did you officially break up or will he figure it out once he realizes that you aren't contacting him anymore?

[doejan]

You should stop blaming yourself for this and speculating about what might happen, as much as you can. If you crossed a line with him, he crossed a line with you much earlier, over and over again, when he treated you with complete contempt, not answering simply texts or phone calls for weeks at a time. I'm frankly amazed that you put up with it for as long as you did.

 

True. Very true. He knew that I HATED his disappearing acts. I bore into him about it on numerous occasions yet he still ignored me. I tried to take a stand and mirror his behavior but it isn't me and I wasn't able to do it. I'm telling you, before the problems started, we talked basically everyday and he initiated maybe half of the time. 8 days was the longest I waited to hear from him, not weeks, but 8 days was still inexcusable.

 

 

I know that the initial chemistry was incredible, and you doubtless want to somehow try to recapture that, but honestly it's not going to happen, and look at the relationship as a whole. Were you really happy most of the time, when he wasn't responding to you for days or weeks at a time? I don't think so. That is how it would be in the future with this guy; he's not going to change fundamentally into what you want. The first couple of weeks were the joy of someone new; after that you got the real him, and it's not a pretty sight. Regardless of whether or not he contacts you again, do yourself a favour and don't contact him anymore. You can do way better than this.

 

 

I don't think chemistry is like crack cocaine in the sense that it's never as good as the first hit. I'm not sure if that is what you are implying by saying that it would not happen again. Obviously, if he goes his own way and doesn't come back then it wouldn't happen again. If however he "woke up," and showed me with actions that he wanted to be with me that chemistry would be even more insane than it was, (coming from me at least). I don't think it looks too good for me though. Others have suggested that he's got another woman. If that's the case, I can hang it up. Regardless of another woman or not, his showing interest in me ended up having to be kick started by me.

 

No, I wasn't happy in how the relationship grew but if he came back and truly communicated with me and showed with actions vs words, I would give him another try. I don't see why he would want to come back though, considering that his interest in me appeared to wane in the end, all before I brought on the ultimatum that made him just say screw it. I suppose staying completely out of his life may possibly make him think of what we could have had. It's so nerve wracking though because we didn't officially split. For my own sanity though, I have to accept that it's done. Then if he never calls again, I won't be disappointed.

[doejan]

I took the time to read most of this, and as a guy, here is my opinion, or I could be completely wrong, who knows. I think he's making about 98% of the "excuses" "emergencies" "work stuff" up. Personally, he's acting the way like a lot of guys act during an affair. The fact that you are so far away, and haven't been having face time, leads me to believe he probably has a wife or girlfriend or some other sort of situation going on. He probably feels bad because he knows you guys have an awesome connection, and maybe he just sucks at letting people down. This is just kind of how I take the whole thing.

 

 

Thanks for your feedback, BTW. Well, it is certainly possible although I was with him on one occasion when he got a phone call about his ex's boyfriend hurting one of his kids. I know for a fact that his father passed late last year, as I located the obituary online. I don't think he would lie about his brother being sick with the same thing that killed his father if it wasn't true. His job is very, very dangerous. It is. People get hurt and killed doing what he does often enough. I don't want to say what he does JUST in case someone here knows him and figures it out. I met his two best friends and of course they're going to vouch for him but both of them voiced how happy they were for him, that he found someone like me to be with. I'm not so sure if they would have said something like that if he had a wife or girlfriend they knew about- and those guys know him very, very well. Could they have been putting on an act- maybe. I dunno. I just don't know...