Bad timing - but what do I do now...?

[Flame77]

I've only just joined this site - this is my first post - it's more of a rant and I apologise as it's a bit disjointed, but here goes...

 

In August 2009, I met a guy through a dance class who fell head over heels for me and pursued me - for months. I had just separated six months before this (from a 12 year relationship) and at that stage wasn't ready for another relationship. Though I liked him a lot, I was scared of taking another leap so soon. I kept insisting on being friends and seeing how things went from there.

 

I went on a couple of "dates" with him and we then spent a lot of time together, (as friends) going to several dance classes a week, dance events, movies. I really valued him as a friend, he was a decent guy, much different from my ex and I wasn't used to that. However he was deeply in love with me and I was all mixed up at the time - the friendship line kept getting blurred. One night in late November I hosted a farewell party for a friend at my place - after a few drinks and after everyone went home, I ended up sleeping with him - I initiated it. He sent me a txt message the next day thanking me for a "magical night". Afterwards, I was still unsure of what I wanted at that point in time - I was really confused.

 

He ended up coming with me at Christmas time to spend it with my family. About a month after that he told me he still really cared for me and I told him I couldn't reciprocate, I still could only offer friendship and that he should find someone who could meet his needs. The trouble is, that ever since I told him this, I became more and more attracted to him and couldn't (and still can't) get him off my mind. After I told him this, I enrolled on a Separation course to work through the issues from my previous relationship. The course helped me a lot - I found a lot of closure and I now feel ready to move on.

 

Due to some circumstances that were out of my control I was unable to attend as many dance classes as I usually did over the next two months which was frustrating as hell as I couldn't get him off my mind. I decided I would have to let him know that I did have feelings for him, but that I would wait and try and find the right time. I had a lot on and my elderly parents were staying with me at that point.

 

In March there was a dance event on, I asked him if he was going and he said he wasn't as he had to work. I told him I didn't think I would make it either, however I later changed my mind and thought I would go by myself. I parked the car accross the road and was just about to get out when I saw him arrive at the venue accross the road, with another woman from our dance class. At first I thought it was just a coincidence that they had arrived at the same time and that if he was seeing someone that he would've surely mentioned it. But then the thought entered my mind - what if I was too late and what if he was already seeing someone else? I went in and spoke to him briefly during a dance but we didn't get to talk much - he said he was able to get time off work at the last minute. I left and sent him a txt message to say I wasn't feeling very well and had gone home early. He replied telling me to take care.

 

A couple of weeks passed, he told me he was going on a week long tramping trip. I said that sounded fun and as it was a rugged trip I just casually asked if he was going with a group. He replied a little bit defensively "no, I'm going with a friend". On the day he left to go I sent him a txt message wishing him a good trip and asking him if he wanted to go out for a drink on his return. I told him I'd been missing his company lately. He replied and said he was keen to go for a drink.

 

However, at the next dance class, (the day after he returned - about three and a half weeks ago) we were sitting together and he was telling me about how he'd hurt his shoulder on the trip, then the woman (who I'd seen him arrive at the earlier mentioned dance event with) walked up and plonked herself down between us. He was rubbing his shoulder and she said - Oh, is it still sore?" So of course I put two and two together..... That was a difficult night - I felt so broken and regretted not telling him about how I felt about him earlier.

 

I couldn't believe he hadn't told me about her. I left early. Then I was so distraught I sent him a late night txt message asking him why he hadn't told me about her and explaining that I did have feelings for him and that I wouldn't be going back to dance class for a while because I felt raw. He then replied apologising and saying he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't know how I would take it.... He said I was a "good friend" and not to stay away from dance class for too long...

 

I couldn't believe he'd just "switched off" me - I was in denial. I was also angry at him for not telling me, given I was such a "good friend". I waited for two days (to calm down) then I rang him and asked him if we could go for a drink and talk about it. I had planned what I wanted to say to him and wanted to be rational and adult about it all, but when I got there and after 2 glasses of wine I broke down and probably sounded a bit desparate/needy/angry...

 

I asked him how long he had been seeing her - he said that they just started as friends, and then it just happened - he said it was "early days".

 

The wine took over and I told him to look me in the eye and tell me he didn't have feelings for me anymore - and look me in the eye and tell me I didn't still stand a chance - he couldn't. He said he was with her now. Needless to say, I really regret the way I handled that night... (I apologised to him the next day). When I left he told me to stay in touch and let him know how I was and that he still wanted to be friends, and that he enjoys my company and when I'm "ready" that we could go and see a movie or something... I think he might've been a bit worried about me driving home as someone tried to call me later that night - someone with a restricted number tried to call both my home phone and my mobile at 10pm - no one calls me at that time.

 

I now understand why her friends were giving me disapproving looks whenever I talked and joked and danced with him.

 

I took the advice of friends and family and I made myself go to the next dance class - he never turned up, which is rare for him. I went to the following class and they both turned up. My stomach was all churned and dancing was the last thing I felt like doing... He danced with me more than he danced with her, she left early and I danced with him for the rest of the night. I felt so close to him at that point.

 

I also forced myself to go to the following two dance classes, he danced with me, though not as much. I was so anxious before the classes, I vomited both times. Dancing has been such an important part of my healing after my separation - building me back up and restoring my self-confidence. It's something I really don't want to give up because of him, and also it's the only time I see him at present.

 

If I go to dance class, it pains me to see him dancing with her, it's really awkward now, as she gives me evil glances - even though I don't think she knows we have some history - I don't think he's told her about that - I think she just thinks I'm flirting with her man. I think it's also starting to go to his head having two women after him. I think he's doing a bit of push/pull with me... He'll dance intimitely with me, look me up and down, smile and gaze at my breasts one minute, and then acts completely disinterested at other times.

 

It also pains me if I don't go to the class and then think about them dancing together. I didn't go to the last class (on Tuesday night) and I don't think I'll go to the next class (tomorrow night) - it's a decision that's really eating me up. But I think I need to stay away from him for now. I want him so badly, I don't know what to do next. In two weeks time I'm going away for nearly 7 weeks, the thought of not seeing him is really painful.

 

I went to see a therapist last night and we discussed some "options":

 

1 - Not have any contact with him for as little or as long as I need to (or forever) in the hope that it might eventually draw him back to me.

 

2 - Continue to go to dance class, and act like I've got it together or fake it till I make it - so to speak.

 

3 - The Therapist suggested I invite him over to a candlelit dinner and scented bed.... A risky option, considering I might likely a) get rejected outright or b) end up "the other woman" - neither of which is very appealing. think she believes that if I slept with him again, I would lose interest.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I'm so hurt, I'm not sleeping (hopefully this post is coherent), I've had no appetite and have lost over 5kgs in the last 3.5 weeks.

[Mauxly]

Wait a minute. Your therapist suggested trying to woo someone who's already in a relationship into a romantic night of sex? Your therapist needs help.

 

I'm sorry but you blew it with him. He has every right to move on. But a few other things concern me. He wasn't up front with you about her, you don't think she knows about you. She shoots you the evil eye so he likely knows that you make her uncomfortable, yet he dances with you anyway. And he objectifies you by staring at your breasts and looking you up and down?

 

This guy sounds like a creep anyway. You should run, not walk, away from this situation. Go to dance and dance. Let him go. Stop engaging in this unhealthy threesome.

[Flame77]

I know I blew it - the timing was just really bad, but I now want him so bad. I know I've made him out to sound like a creep, but he's not.

 

I know he wasn't up front with me, because it was "early stages" I guess he was keeping his options open. Yes, it hurts that he didn't tell me, but I can forgive him for that.

 

It's a rotational class, so I'd have to dance with him briefly at least 4-5 times during the class time, which I could probably handle. It's during the freestyle / practice time afterwards that's the difficult part.

[LoveSoDeep]

This is hard and I'm sorry you're feeling so torn up about it. But you know you're right...your timing was just wrong. He is with someone else right now and you can't do anything about that....and even if you could you wouldn't really want to ( I hope). All you can do is work on yourself and be happy with you.

 

Think about this right now you are a nervous anxious wreck....do you think that's very attractive? Maybe you think you do a good job of holding it together when he's around but really you aren't the woman you were when he fell for you and spent months wooing you. You need to be happy with yourself and not pin all your hopes on him. If you can do that maybe he will fall in love with the real you all over again and willingly forget about the other woman...that's the best you can hope for...I know it sucks to feel you have no control but really he's the one who has to decide and you can't force him. All you can do is be yourself....and love yourself

[Flame77]

Thanks for that LoveSoDeep. I really appreciate your words of wisdom and comfort.

 

I decided not to go to tonights class - a good idea considering how sleep deprived and irrational I am right now. ;-) It's really hard though, it's friday night and I would usually be out dancing but instead I'm at home by myself. I'm going to try and have an early night and not think about them, which is of course easier said than done.