Misery

[Broke]

I have been with this girl for almost 3 years. We shared our good and bad moments. We have had ups and downs along the road. Most of our downs was because of me having this doubt if she is the perfect girl for me or not! These doubts, once in a while, led to a crisis and made so many dramas along the way. But we left those behind, at least I did.

 

She is about 4 years older than me. It has been a problem at the very beginning for me, but now after 3 years, I feel like if I have just one day to live or 100 years to live, she is the one I wanna share my life with. She has forgiven me in the past for such instabilities and being indecisive. I got a job in a new town, and after having a long distance relationship for about 6 months (since she had to finish up with school) she found a job in my town and moved to my place.

 

It was really exciting and opened up a completely new era in both our lives as we hadn't shared a living place before. Like many girls, after 3 years, she expected us to step forward and expected me to propose. After every discussions we had, I ensured her that she's the only one I want to share my life with and I will do it at the right time. I was really planning for this, but all other issue in my life, like work and ... put me under extreme pressure and she felt like I was neglecting her and running away from commitment.

 

As a result, she got so frustrated, and I geve here all the rights to get frustrated, because she moved to another town, tried to get a job, and left all her friends just to be with me and things were not going the way she epected. recently, about two weeks ago, as we were thinking of buying a place, she told me "we need to talk about this before we commit to buy a place together".

 

I exactly knew what she meant! and I had already planned on my proposal, I had already bought a ring!!! and had booked a trip for us! so I just tought this phrase is just a sign of her frustration and a reminder for me, so I kept silent and told her Ok we'll talk. literarlly we did not talk about it after that moment. I just send her a message the next day and told her that I know what I am doing , just pease let me do it the way I want, that's my right .... but things started to get worse and worse just in a couple of days. the next night as I had worked my ass off, I came back home and wanted to start a conversation, but she said "Is this just another scenario you are acting here?" I was kinda shocked to hear that.

 

And then she started to say words to me that she had never told me before... I even cannot repeat them here, she was very rude and even tried to hit me, I didn't react to that and tried to stay calm but I got a panic attack and was scared I am going to have a heart attack, she didn't even checked on me to see if I am OK or what? long story short, I got some stuff and moved out of my apartment that night, and went from one hotel to another one for a week. I can say it was the worst week of my whole life, and I believe it will be the worst ever.

 

she moved out of my place after a week and I came back home. I feel so miserable that I even thought about finishing my life!! ..... even with all those ugly stuff she told me that night and insulted me, I still love her and miss her so much because I think she was not herself recently . I am just so disappointed and deeply sad that after all we went through I was this close to propose to her and step forward but this happened. Please share your thoughts with me as I really need advice on this.

[Guest]

Perhaps she felt a little impatient and couldn't go at the pace you were going at...maybe she's frustrated that you haven't made your move. Maybe you guys can finally sit down and talk and pour out your feelings, and ask her to say what she feels and what the problem is.

[sidehop]

When did she start talking about marriage and commitment?

[Broke]

after the first year ... well she didn't say explicitly, but I could feel it easily! The thing is because of our slight age difference, her clock was going faster than mine, and it's quite natural. She felt like she was losing time ..

[sidehop]

I see, in a sense I could see her view as the marriage being important (to her).

 

Did you ever feel like you were rushed? I mean three years isn't short period of time but it's not exactly long either. And to lash out completely in your face because you hadn't made that move is a bit psychotic on her part.

 

Don't beat up yourself over this, she has no right to treat you the way she did; even if you feel you were at fault as well. It takes two to tango.

[waveseer]

What caused your relationship conflict was a failure to communicate. When both people are struggling it's even more important to share openly how you feel, what you are thinking, and what your intentions are. Neither you nor she did this very well towards the end thus the resulting breakup. You could try doing it now but there are no guarantees.

[CordelliaG]

tell her everything (almost, save the part about her not helping you from almost having a heart attack because that sounds dramatic and over-the-top...you are young after all). Tell her you bought a ring, everything. Better yet, write her a letter telling her everything and end it on a note with how much you love her and want to spend your life together and would never want to throw this away. Don't mess up, you will lose her. Your doubts from the past are probably still on her mind and still hurt her a bit, so you have to go the extra mile to make sure that she feels she is the one for you. Otherwise she will leave you or get her confidence boost elsewhere.