Correct me if i'm wrong but.

[emma j]

Correct me if i'm wrong but if lets say you have an exam at 4.30 and in an argument(thats not that big) he dumps you at 1 and doesn't get back to you till ten that night to say i was anrgy i'm not ending it and has since made no appoligy, claims that it was all my fault and has made the situation then times bigger - thats pretty damn selfish, mean, hurtful, inconsiderate, complete lack of empathy or am i doin being an and i quote "idiotic selfish spolit little brat"

 

Answer on a postcard please

[DN]

How important is it to you to prolong and intensify the argument?

[emma j]

extremely because all the abuse that he as flung at me since have all been complete double standards.

The argument has unfortunetly completely exploded this was since thursday and has now gone past what it was originally about. Kind off. In that i mean He completely blamed me on the argument. Said that " I dont care what you say your opinion is wrong and your inconsiderate" and i could take this constructively or not and it pretty much for me snowballed from there. I was however if i evan dare to not listen to his feeling not take his feelings into consideration or disagree with his opinion i am a selfish spoilt child however he never ever ever ever listens to me.

 

I have spent since thursday trying to show him that not once has he listened to how i feel. that he has cast them aside when i had clearly clearly shown him from the start that what he was arguing about was completely wrong and way off the mark. the double standard again of a week previous an argument all becuase i didn't exceot what he said from the start. he can't do the same and i get all the blame.

 

Really its all a complete mess but i wanted in my own mind to make sure that sticking to myguns was the right thing. He made promises to me about his behaviour that he broke all at once and has no apoligised. But you can be sure if i break my promies i can go and ""

[DN]

Would it not be better to just break it off with him if he is abusive?

[savignon]

If he's abusive, breaks promises and generally treats you poorly, I don't think the ammount of time you stay mad or "stick to your guns" is going to change him in any long-term way. What are the things you like that keep you in the relationship?

[emma j]

Sorry about that DN, i'm just extremely upset right now.Won't do it again.

 

yes it would be so much easier. He is bi-polar, unmedicated and has these like episode that i've noticed happen every maybe 2 months. they go on for days like this where i am extremely upset because he won't take my feelings, opinions, views or pretty much anything on board.

 

Nearly everytime i've noticed there when i am very very very much in the right and he takes no responsibility for his wrongness but insteads blames me. Are relationship is pretty much double standards. I'm expected to "grow up and stop acting like a child and take some responsibility for my actions" but ask him to and he point blank refuses. i'm expected to say sorry when needed, to do the right thing, to fix things but ask him to and no no no cos he's perfect and sure its all my fault. If i break my one promies of listening to his feelings hes done with me, had enough but when he breaks his promises of being verbally abusive, dumping me and not listening to me thats ok cos it was my fault for making him do it. God i sound pathetic.

 

this relationship has been on and off for 3 years now. yes i love him but i also know that i'm a complete complete full who hasn't got the guts to end it. That i feel ashamed off.

[emma j]

Savigon - the things that keep me in this relationship are that

1) i believe with help and medication he can get his emotions and behaviours back on track

2) i love his family and they have pretty much excepted me as one of thm

3) when he is the nice person, he is amazing and i can fault him when he feeling good. Infact only last week his step mam turned to me and goes " he is go in love with you, he's like a child"

4) and i do guinely love him.

 

However currently this periods of arguments far out weight all of these yet i still can't just end it.

[Maya_A]

As per your original question, it is difficult to comment on what may be irrational vs. rational behaviors where someone has a mental/emotional illness.

 

As for the rest of it, it has to be your choice whether to remain with someone who will continue to be unstable at intervals.

 

I'm sure it's very difficult as he likely does have some really nice qualities as you have said. Though there are guys out there who have them also, that are not struggling in the throes of an illness that outwardly affects so many in strong ways.

 

Maybe speaking with a counselor while at the very same time, testing out some NC with him might help your perspective (you say a part of you wishes to leave but you don't think you can do it).... You could always let him know that you need a little space for some reflection.

 

"Safe" distancing in little trial spurts can sometimes help people thinking about leaving but who are emotionally scared to do so.

[emma j]

Maya, thanks so much for a straight to the point reply. What you so is so completely true and what i've been thinking about. I have made an apointment with my college counceller as i am also right in the middle of my exams. I go back to college today and won't be home till friday and i plan on asking for space at that time but if i know him he'll tell me where to go with my space!!.

 

thank you i will keep updated.

 

edit: I have made an appointment for my college counceller for tomorrow. I have yet to hear from my boyfriend. the last txt i got eas yesterday at half seven showering me with abuse. nice!!

[Cant_Sleep]

Perosnally i would tell him to back off .. you do love him but how dare he play with your education (im presumming that you aren't wanting to take the exam again ?? ) ,

 

but just throw yourself in revision or work and get it sorted afterwards.. the simple thing is you need to complete your exams to the best of your ability .. and the guy .. he will still be around if he still loves you , he sounds like he is the one making the scene .. if he can just say that and walk out ..

[emma j]

oh there was no walking out. this was done by txt. classy

[Cant_Sleep]

Text!!! .. least you get texts from him .. at the moment even though i have told you to do all that i can;t seem to take the advice myself ¬.¬ .. adn all my hand in dates for coursework are literally this week .. have i attempted them no .. because he has put me into that much of a bad mood .. im saying sorry to him for soemthing that he has done..

 

i don't know where they get off from treating people they are meant to love like this .. i will text him again in a moment .. i will get a reply .. .. ¬.¬ ... ... ..

 

Have you sorted things out with him now ?

[emma j]

Text!!! .. least you get texts from him .. at the moment even though i have told you to do all that i can;t seem to take the advice myself ¬.¬ .. adn all my hand in dates for coursework are literally this week .. have i attempted them no .. because he has put me into that much of a bad mood .. im saying sorry to him for soemthing that he has done..

 

i don't know where they get off from treating people they are meant to love like this .. i will text him again in a moment .. i will get a reply .. .. ¬.¬ ... ... ..

 

Have you sorted things out with him now ?

 

Well, as bad as this sounds. this nice to know i'm not on my own. I have an exam in the morning( i am currenly smack bang in the middle of university exams, very thoughtful of him) and i have not studied at all for my exam at 9.30 in the morning. its now half seven in the evening. eh so i'm screwed.

 

I agree with you saying how they can treat people that they are suppose to love with his. i would never ever speak to him the way he has or done what he has done. I think that i'm just a pushover and to nice for my own good.

 

Nope haven't sorted anything. I saw him on friday evening for 20 mins when he picked me up from the train station. He left my bags in my hall and walked out. I haven't seen him all weekend and i am now back at college for the week. He did want to meet up over the weekend and because i ask him one simple question about it had a fit. said he was gonna try and sort things yet i was to still take what he said constructively. ehhhh noo. it was your fault. its gone to far now.The last i spoke to him was half seven yesterday. thats 24hrs. We've never ever gone that long not talking, now i'm getting worried. I won't back down from this. i'm tired of being blamed and he's throwing a load of stuff at me that isn't even true.ugh...

 

don't contact him, don't say sorry and try concentrate on your stuff. i've already failed exams before over him, i won't let him do it again.

[Cant_Sleep]

ouch D= .. and uni exams you don't want to be reataking them ( i know England it costs a lot of money .. to even go .. adn to be failing at the first well bump in the road ) , It is nice to know ! i mean i look around at my mates * so called * perfect relationships and yiu wonder how you can feel so alone , or how eveyrthing suddenly get turns upside down =/ .. , same my end .. since 2:30 - well now i aven;t done any studying =/ .. you really need to put yourself first even if it is hard .. put everything behind and just dive into your books .. take your frustration out in them rather than sitting there mindless going from webpage to webpage

 

i know it;s like one rule for them and one rule for us .. i find it easier just to throw it behind me and chat to my guy because .. i know i don;t get anywhere because we ..broke up with him once and he still can;t forgive me a year down the line now =/ ..

 

ouuch that is .. mean =/ .. least he helped you with your bags even if it was a VERY short goodbye .. maybe a text how he is doing ? ... or just get to the revision this exam is important !

 

before .. .. =/ .. this guy has .. well he means alot to do the same to you again =/ .. is he at uni by any chance ?? or doing anything to a simlar level to you ?

[emma j]

I'm not in england, but close enough!!! but would have to pay never the less.

 

I have no intention of txting him after his behaviour sisnce thursday.If i did, a simple hey, it would mean that i've let him away with it all. no way. But the only thing is he doesn't see his behaviour as being the way it is. He blames it ALL on me. i dont think i've ever ever won an argument, even when it was quite evident that i was in the right. He has his opinion and thats pretty much it.

 

I do defo need to start doing my work. i have to prepare 3 essays fo tomorrow morning and have them learnt. not looking forward to the week ahead. No he's not in my uni.

 

What happened with you and your boy. are you going to contact him.

[Cant_Sleep]

ouch then you need the back up of this

 

i said i was uncomfortable with a girl he was hanging around with and now .. he just doens;t wan tot talk to me .. i hve been on holdon the phone for the pasted half hour i have given up and now in tears .. i hate this.. and i know i can;t do anythign about it .. i just don;t undertstnad .

 

but i gave in ..contacted him and now .. i got hte

 

 

"just leave it please "

 

he has never said that to me before .. and i just D=

[emma j]

you need to let him know that your serious so and that your feelings count. Hence why i still haven't contacted my bf. You voiced your opinion about something, something valid and he completely dismissed it ad now he won't talk to you. no way. he should be respecting your feelings. he doesn't have to agree but he should at least respect them.

 

Now why can't i take my own advice. Its now what nearly half 9. I know he finish's work at 9.30. I'm worried now that if i don't hear from him tonight it has entered new ground. We've never gone this long not talking. But i have to hold my stance.

[Cant_Sleep]

Your so strong for holding that stance .. not giving in .. and yet i know it will work for you , i gave in to early ..45 minutes .. and i rang him .. no answer .. it's .. hurts >

 

fingers crossed he will get back in touch with you, has he yet ?? .

 

i hope you guys can work things out and him saying sorry to you

[emma j]

Hey. no still nothing and i know he's home from work. I was just looking at his last txt to me and i've just realised it may have been a break-up mgs. My study has gone out the window. how can he be so horrible to me, right in the middle of my exams and have no understanding or compassion. I just dont get it.

[Cant_Sleep]

i know that feeling my last text was blaming me for being to short with him =/ ,

 

Hey it;s texts sometimes people come out mean-er than they want to be in a text ( if that makes sense ) im forever sound wrong , i need to get some work done but im hanging around on here .. i cant bare leaving this to work =/ ,

 

Maybe he is scared your becoming to indepedent with your degree?? , maybe it scares him he might not be good enough ? .. or .. maybe to be honest he is just being mean .. because he is having a ' bad day ' and taking it out on you because you the person closest to him =/? whatever it is , you need to get some rest , have a read through a few books .. and then get some sleep ( maybe going a little earlier than normal ) ... and then hey get up in the morning have a shower sort your hair and up on your face ( As they say ) look in the mirror and say to yourself you WILL do well !! .. you will get this exam done .. and you can sort things out with him later

 

get through your exam do 100%!!! ( or as MUCH as you can do ... .. ) and then come away from yoru exam get something to eat .. see if he has texted you ( or any form of contact like facebook etc ) .. and if he hasn't .. give him a few days then question if you have broken up =/ .. you need to know and get back in your normal routine .. and just work through whatever happens !

[geekgirl4]

The fact that he unloaded all this before your exams puts a mark against his character. But pointing fingers is never, ever a good way to get your point accross, unless you just want to sabotage your relationship. Focus on your exams, and then work on how to tell your SO that the blame game is childish and no way to communicate a problem with your partner. Good luck on your exams!

[emma j]

Hi all,

So i thought i'd give an update on my situation. The last i posted here was on monday evening haven't not heard from him from the previous day at half seven. I was looking over his last txt to me and it suddenly occurred to me "was that a break up txt" i finally gave in and this is how the last few days have gone.

 

Monday evening

 

 

me you just not talking or hav you finished with me. i want to know where i stand, so a simple yes or no will do thanks.

 

Him: i don't know. I'll let you know when i do. that ok.

 

me stupidly says)yeah

 

no reply after that

 

Me also wanted you to know that i haven't contacted you today because i gave myself a mild concussion. i'm going to sleep now, night.

 

Me: i'd appreciate it ifyou are going to contact me to leave this letting me kniw till i'm done with my exams this week as naturally i have enough on my plate and also need to think things through. i'm fine thats for the concern. night.

 

After no reply from any of these i'm becoming increasingly frustrated.

 

Me: Right. 'm about to say somethin very important. i'm prepared to get a bus or train hometomorrow to sort this. yes or no cos i'm not gonna lst much longer in this state.

 

him be honest i don't see what point it would be for. I think we should wait till after your exams andthen discuss where we're going. I really have no motivation to sort things out with you. i've very serious issue with who you are and i am not repared toback down or compromise on this, your wrong and thats that. Also i'm out with my friends so i'm not into a serious decusion right now. I feel you've only yourself to blame for what "state your in"

 

me: you are a bully. an abusive bully. there is no way i am takng the blame for you disrespectful attitude which you caused on thursday and which you carried on through the whole weekend. I am completely completely done talking about this and will not enter into any communication about this again. respect me at least once since thursday and don't reply.

 

Him: i'm not a bully because i think your wrong. Its cool. Look i'll only speak to your face. bye.

 

There are a number on this in this conversation that frustrate me no end. 1) he has very serious issue with who i am. eh i'm not the one with an unmedicated mental disorder which make him view himself as erfect as everyone else at fault for everything that happens in his life. 2) i'm not prepared to back down or compromise, your wrong, thats that. eh i'm not the one who broke up with me 4 hours before an exams, i'm not the one who verball abused you, i'm not the one who if they actually listened to me for half a second at the very very beginning of all of this would see clearly that it is him at fault and if he got rid of his attitude of your wrong, thats that and instead even tried to listen to me and my feelings without blatenly putting his foot down we wouldn't have this problem. 3) he claims to not be a bully, what becuase he thinks i'm wrong. he is a bully. its all his rules, his way, his terms. he is an abusive bully who verbally abuses me and a bully in that he controls all situations and bullys his opinions, his thoughts, his feeings onto me with NO regard of what i feel. heck 90% of the time he doesn't ask nor his words care how i feel. Also he has no regard for theh "state i'm in" i feel stupid for event letting him know and second i'd be ashmed and disgusted in myself in i knew that i ever put him in that state. even after telling him i had mild concusion that did even care to him. is last ex was apparently horiible horrible horribe to him and he once said to me that if he ever even made me feel an ounze of that that he woud be so ashamed, apparently that went out the window..ahhhhh, i'm getting angry just typing this.

 

tuesday

 

Had exam this morning. It went ok but when i realised that i was finished and i would soon have to go out to my bag where my phone was and see if there was anything on it, i started getting anxiety pains in my chest. Luckily i got a cancellation for my college counceller and went up there immediately. I am very very glad that i went. I explained to her that i was with a guy who was bi-polar unmedicated and not seeking therapy. and how his behaviour was becoming a nightmare. that the relationship was built on double standards that all went in his favour and he faled to ever see my view, feelings, thoughts or opinions on pretty much anything. We spoke about his complete lack of empathy, lack of understanding, lack of consideration. she said that he is in his illness and he simply doesn't "get it" and this will lead him to be insenstitive. she said that from her view it looked like a no brainer. that iwas with aman who made me feel this way, who was verbally abusive and didn't listen to a thing i say and why did i find that ok. woud it be easier if he was on drugs or alcohol. We spoke bout me and me as aperson. that i feel i am to nice that i let people away with to much becuase i don't want to hurt them, that i need to stnd up for me. She suggested a few things 1) write a letter with my thoughts and give it to him. i told her i've done this many times and that it could go either way 2) take a mental break from him, which yes would be good for me but would have no effect on him whatsoever becuase of his dont care attitude.

So i left feeling positive and stronger than when i went in. However as the day progressed i hadn't heard from him and ddn't hear from him at all. this upset me but i stayed strong and didn't contact him. I felt that i had made an effort the previous night. but his lack of contacting me made me feel like he simply didn't care whereas a week previous we where talking about babies. thats how unstable his mind is

 

wednesday- today

So i haven't heard from him allday yesterday and nothing this morning. i was becoming little less strong and anxiety through the roof. Never in our relationship have we gone so long not talking and for me this was eatting at me in a terrible terrible way. I spoke to a friend about me txting him and she said no, that thats exactly what he wants. to have it his way, his terms. So we decided that i would ask him to ring me and that i was going to say this. "I understand that we’re going to meet up and talk face to face and I’m fine with that and that we both need some time to think but we haven’t spoken now in over a day and for me that very serious and I would like to think you find that serious to but for me its gonna over ride the original situation. Regardless we’re still in a relationship and No matter how you feel about no motivation having no form of communication is unacceptable and not the way to deal with things, its childish. I also feel like I made the effort to talk on both Monday night and now and its not fair that your just completely ignoring me its only gonna make matters worse"

 

so i txted him and said this

Me: hey, can you ring me when someone comes into you at half 12 or when you go for a smoke. thanks

him: whaever you have to say you can say over txt.

(bearing in mind i told him tha communicating over txt was not the way to go)

me: i've asked you to call me. its your decision

him: i'm not going to rin you. txt me if you have something to say.I haven't time for this messing around today. So either txt what you have to say, or not at all. bye.

 

I didn't reply to this. for me this just strenghten my feelings of 1) his rules, his terms 2) a complete disregard of me feelings. is it so so hard to ring me.

also he said i hven't time for this messing around today, but its ok for him to mess me around for the week i.e. dump me 4 hour before an exam and vebally abuse me and not even say sorry for it.

 

so yeah, thats where i'm at now. feeling angry and upset and full of anxiety. I've also come to a decisioin. 1) i am not willing to make anymore effort contact wise. i have tried 2) when we do meet, on sat i think, i will be telling him the he has no regard for my feelings and his mind is set on what he thinks and thats final. he is a verbally abusive man who thinks nothing of my feelings when dumping me before an exam and then not have the common coursteys to say sorry and to say sorry for breaking his promises(he never ever ever says sorry) and finally that his overall behaviour has become to much for me to handle. he fails to see his bahaviour, how damaging it is or to even recognise that his behaviour exsits. he has made numerous promises to "get help" after i have threatenedto leave stating that it gave him a fright but has always backed out. so i'm simply telling him if you want me in your life, as a life long partner then you have to tell me now that youre goingn to get help. If yu can't do that then i'm getting out of this car and i wont be returning. my gut feeling says that because of where he's at right now, in his mind, with his could cae attidute, that this won't effect him, that he will be happy to let me go( as apposed to his i'm sorry baby, please we can work it all out, please don't leave, becuase that his other side)

 

Thank you to anyone who has read all this. if not at least i've gotten all my feelings out. overall, i feel like a fool. for staying with a guy who treats me so poorly, verbally abuses me and bullies me. why would i think that this person is "the one" or someone i'd wanna marry or havekids with .. why. i need to let go on the times he's nice; I'm also freaking out that i'm 26, getting old and he's only 23 and has plenty of time to find someone else.

[emma j]

I feel so depressed. i can't stop crying. i just don't get it. why he just doesn't care for someone who a week ago he started talking about babies. to. i just don't get it.

[Cant_Sleep]

The first thing that really caught my eye ( not to say all of it didn't !! i did read it all through a few times ) , but the "I'm also freaking out that i'm 26, getting old and he's only 23 and has plenty of time to find someone else." .. NEVER settle with someone who is treating you like this , you have your whole life to find someone ! life relaly starts late 20's ,i bet there are loads of guys who hate the way he has treated you and , you shouldn; thave to put up with it ,

 

Im doing mental disorders in psychology ( Well .. mainly Schizophrenia - which was .. very weird how the 3 months into the second year of my course my grandpa was disanogsised with paranoid Schizophrenia =/ .. and he has gone a little AWOL .. lately =/ .. ) , but i suppose the his might be very warn out mentally to treat you like this ! , but there isn;t much of an excuse ..

 

From Monday to Wednesday it sounds like you really aren;t hitting towards any wel.. new ground any trying to work things out, he wants to sort it after your exams maybe he feels that is the best thing for you .. but thats what most guys presume is the ' best thing for you ' , when women like to get it sorted .. and by the sounds of no calling , and the odd text back after you have texted him , he really just wants some 'friend' time , thats no excuse for neglecting you =/ ..

 

it;s not cool ¬.¬ .. guys have a habit of saying that just to .. forget about it and make people ' leave the topic alone' when at the end of the day you really need to talk ,

 

theres no right or wrong way to sort it , you have to sit down and within the tears ( which admit waking up in the morning with puffy eyes and tired cheeks is HORRIBLE D= !!! ) , and see if you really want to stay with him then talking about it after your exams is the only way you can sort things out for the best ( how long are your exams lasting ?? ) , otherwise .. .. you have to step up for the good of your education and possibly your well furture .. don;t stay with him if you feel he is the only guy because you can;t find someone because there ' isn't enough time' , there always is , my nana was enagaged for 3 years one day he came home and hit her .. so she well ( she is a awesome lady and .. well she didn;t tkae tht off him ) throw the ring and found her .true love after all the mess her ex had put her in ( and he was IRISH

 

hold tight !! and he is going out with friends can;t you take a break just for a bit and enjoy some mates time if thats facials and a soppy film .. going out on the town getting 'wrecked' , even if thats just a coffee break in town anything to try and distract yourself .. today i ahven't thought of my guy who is .. hurting me ... badly until .. 40 minutes into my 2 and half hour exam it hit me hard , but don;t let him keep getting you down .. think of yourself and rise up you feel tears get on a song he deosn;t deserve them if he is treating you like this =/ , and get a massive hug of one of your nearest and dearest

 

serious issue with who you are ?? , for caring enough to cry =/?? to call ?? ,

 

ouch saying he would be ashamed =/.. thats something people like my teachers say ' if you don;t do well i will be dissapointed .. ' *_*

 

 

talking of kids is so sweet , talkign about future etc .. but you have to live for the now !, or you do see everything slipping from under you

 

he doesn't reliased what he is doing to you at all this strong stance has really put him ' off balance' , fingers crossed the weekend goes better , it's very close , im sorry im really not that much help fully , it's hard to understand , people have told me before relationships are vey fragile .. one thing can go wrong and everything snowballs from that =/.. keep strong though your worth fighting for ..never think your not

[geekgirl4]

He's being super childish, stubborn, and just....stupid. He doesn't want to talk to you at all, even if you want to clear up loose ends and clarify things. You're hitting your head against the wall. Stop contact with him because it seems it's getting you nowhere but feeling worse. Now is a good time to rally your friends and ask them to help you get your life back and feel better. Build up confidence, remember the great person you are and you are living your life instead of being stuck in an immature limbo like your SO. Don't think at all that 26 is old, you're just starting your life! There are so many things to do! Don't get pulled down by his idiotic babble. He doesn't respect you at all so why should you keep trying to prove yourself to someone who doesn't give a damn? Don't try. You'll only stoop to his level if you keep trying to make contact, even though he made it clear he doesn't give a crap about the issues you two have and how you feel. In the end, consider this, do you REALLY want to keep trying for someone who, well, just DOES NOT TRY? In the most darkest moments can you tell someone's true character. How he is reacting to you and treating you right now is a clear indicator of the person he is. Keep that in mind and start looking at the day with brighter eyes. You can do it!!!