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What would you do?

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Hi Everyone


Just seeking some advice or opinions of what you would do in this situation, it is hard to puit it all accross in written words but I will do my best and any questions ask away.


I have been friends with this girl for about 10 years, we have always got on and there is no more to the relationship than friendship, we always said we saw each other as like family... I have described her as like a big sister and we just lookm out for each other and are there for each other and have been for years.


Here is the problem...


My friend got married a couple of years ago and moved away from the local area, we stayed in touch but did lose contact for a brief period, which was sad but as far as I was concerned she was happy and thats all I ever wanted for my friend after she had gone through some ups and downs.


One day we were talking over the phone and she started crying and told me that her husband had been beating her up and basicvally abusing her, I was so angry inside but we just talked for a long time and I told her she should seek some support but she insisted she felt comfortable talking to me so I told her if she ever needed me or wanted to talk to call me and believe me spoke a lot over the next few months but I care about my friend a lot and I always encouraged to call me whether it be in the middle of the night.


She stayed with the guy and although I felt she deserved better I supported my friends decision and always made myself available if she needed support as I always had.


Things didn't get better for her, with the added stress that she feel pregnant a few months later too. I think at this time she maybe had some frustration because she looked into the possibility of abortion, I went with her as support as I knew she was not really serious and that I could have spoke to her about it more and let her know she would never have been alone and not to do anything she would regret. It didn't come to that as she come to what I feel was the right decision on her own anyway and I just let her know that I would support her anyway I could.


So things continued as they were, when she was about 4 or 5 months pregnant he beat her up again. At the point I told her for the safety of herself and the children she needs to get away from him but she ultimately didn't because being pregnant she felt she couldn't as she wanted her baby to have a mum and dad, which is understanable to a certain extent but not something I totally agreed with because of what he was doing to her.


At about 5 or 6 months pregnant, he left her. She had to for the most part support herself financially and then it become clear he had not paid any bills for a long time or minimum and she was in big debt too.


At this point she was coming back to the local area every weekend and i would meet her at and travel back to the train station with her when she went home so she had someone with her, we would spend time together just talking and I would just do my best to make her weekends as easy as I could for her by being there, doing the little things like getting dinner, making tea and just be generally supportive, basically I was a man and done what her husband should have done after getting someone pregnant.


Meanwhile her husband was actively looking for another partner on dating sites, etc.


I remember going to visit her where she had moved to and she was in tears and I could see for myself in her own home what he had done to her, it broke my heart to see her in the situation she was in but I promised e would sort out things.


I become her tower of strength and we would either be with each other or on the phone for the majority of the time, most often than not she would be in tears, it took over my life to a certain degree but she was my best friend and I cared about her a great deal, as I said before she was like family to me.


That is the brief version of events but here is the problem part and the bit I need advice over.


She suddenly stopped talking to me and will not answer my phone calls, emails, text messages or anything, it has hurt me a great deal as she was my best friend and I loved her like a family member.


It has been six months since she spoke to me and I don't know what else I can do, she had the baby and it hurt a lot that I supported her throughout the entire pregnancy and she didn't even let me know she had the baby, I think I deserved that at least.


I really feel I deserve more respect, we have mutual friends that have expressed to me that she claimed I was only supporting her so I could use it and hold it against her. That would not even cross my mind and I think she knows as much as I do that just isn't true and it was because I cared.


I then heard she is thinking of getting back with the husband and it is a condition of his that she don't speak to me ever again. I have tried constantly to ask her to just meet and talk to me for if only a few mins but she doesn't reply.


I am at the point now where at six months I have had enough and it is now or never for our friendship.


Here are my options as I see them...


1. Walk away and never look back, sometimes I feel like that but it is easier said than done but I am close and once I do give up there is no come back.


2. Writing to her about this condition thing I have heard about, my feeling is because I do genuinely care I would actually happily step aside and keep a distance if it meant she was happy as thats all I want for her but I would expect her to be honest and talk to me about that first and I would see what happens and make it clear to her that if she ever needed me I would be on the sidelines waiting. I know he hasn't changed and it is just a matter of time before history repeats itself but if she doesn't talk to me and then calls me when things go wrong then I have to ignore it, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


However I need to also give a time limit for her to speak to me by because she is not been fair to me and has been very hurtful in some of her actions so with a deadline a chapter can be closed.


3. I just go to her house unannounced and give her no choice but to speak to me, I wouldn't want to do that as it is disrespectful but hey she has shown me none.


4. What would you do?


I know it is hard to understand fully but I have tried my best to give a background.

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You have my sympathies man, your in a tough situation here and I know how you feel. I have had these relationships with people, you know treating you like the fast food restaurant, I get what I need and then I'm gone. Really all you can do is give her emotional support and encourage her to keep in contact with you, if you want her to be close to you. She will need to work out her emotional issues with a professional or come to the conclusion that life will always be like this, not getting any better, which she will finally move on. Did you ever tell her "I told you so"? or remind her how much you were helping her out? Really something like this pushes people away because friends already know these things. Me personally, I would approach it from an "I'm here whenever you need me" kind of stance and go visit her because you are friends right? At least put it out there, life is to short to hold onto emotional baggage (Your hurt me, so I am not going to talk to you). Are you in love with her? Romantically?

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She means a lot to me and we both told each other "I love you" all the time but neither of us meant it romantically, thats what always made our friendship so special and why it meant so much to me.


I also never rubbed the support I gave her in her face, as far as I was concerned she was my friend and I would be there to support my friends whether male or female every day of the week.


I really don't understand the situation, my point of view is she knows what a soft touch I am and that when it comes down to it I would normally forgive her every time but on this occasion there is more to it all and without her talking to me I am not sure I can, unfortunately.

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AU, sounds like you have already made up your mind on what your going to do. I wouldn't forgive and forget, but I also wouldn't throw away, a long friendship like that. If you think that people are never going to let you down in life, you are seriously setting yourself for disappointment. Just my thoughts good luck.

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To be honest she will probably be right, I am frustrated and annoyed now but when that call does come and she is upset or something I will forgive and forget and despite the months of what I feel has been emotional abuse of sorts I will be there again and go through the whole thing again.


At the day friends are friends and they all have their ups and downs through life but when it comes down to it when we really need them they will be there.


I just wish she would talk to me for if only 5 mins, I want the truth of the matter and an her to tell me what is going theough her head, I am a reasonable and understanding person and will be considerate to what is going on for her but the fact she won't talk to me I feel is very disrespectful and hurtful.


I think my best bet is to write a letter telling her that I would like her to speak to me and explain to me and I would understand as well as that I will always be there if she wants to talk but after that just get on my life until I hear from her.


I think that is my best only option really, in reality I can't give up on a friendship that means so much to me.

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Bless your heart for being such a decent friend and man. Unfortunately, you are mixed up in a domestic violence situation and things often don't end well in them. She sounds like she's been given strict orders as to no contact with you...or else! In those situations and often out of fear the victim will follow the rules and if the rules say no contact, she may feel she has no choice in the matter.


Clearly, she is making the wrong choice but until she wants to get help (and no offense to you, but she really needs professional help at this point) she is going to be in this cycle.


Take care of you in all of this, ok?

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Do you think a letter will be a good idea?


My feeling is she won't read it and will throw it away but at least it will be a good outlet for me to get some thoughts and feelings off my chest, if I am honest I think our friendship is probably over. That is not something I am happy about but I have done pretty much all I can do and it takes two for a friendship to work so I am just fighting an uphill battle it feels like


Maybe it is time to say a heavy hearted goodbye.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I would say never give up or turn your back on her, you may feel she is doing that to you but one day she will realise you were always there for her and will regret how she treated you and make that call and when she does you have to not attack her for how she treated you but be the usual self. One day you can talk to her about the reasons why, etc. but when she calls be you because if you let that pent up frustration come through you may push her away again forever.


If you care, show her you care, maybe a letter would be good for her to see how much you do but at the end of the day she will come back to you when she is ready and not before.

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I agree with Jumping Jack and Sonicxman.


I don't understand why she suddenly saw your help as maybe having the potential of "being used against her". (I'm sorry, but to me that sounds like paranoia, paranoid people often develop unreasonable and irrational fears of the ones closest to them.)


But, you can only do so much my friend.


I too think that over time she will come around to seeing how unfairly she treated you.


And I really don't see what else you can do.


Send her a correspondence saying you will always be her friend, but will give her space if that's what she needs now.


Say, some other girl might really appreciate a conciencious guy like you.



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I wrote a 3 page letter but I don't think I will send it, though it was a good outlet for me getting all my feelings and thoughts on paper. I have decided to keep it short instead and based around 6 short words "you will always be my friend" and just saying I recognise she is going through some things right now and that I can remain patient but it is just hard seeing her on a regular basis and not talking because I miss her but I will always be there when she is ready to call but must get on with my own life in the meantime.


Cut from 3 pages to 1 paragraph, I think if it is too long she won't read it anyway and the shorter might get my basic message accross more.

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Dr. Phil has a quote that seems relevant here and I might not get it right. It goes something like, "anytime you've invested so much in a relationship that you're emotionally bankrupt if the other person pulls out, then you've invested too much". Those aren't the exact words but it was coming to mind as I read your post. If and when she calls, it's fine to be her friend...but if in the meantime you're feeling used, disrespected, hurt and abandoned, then the relationship might not be healthy for you.

Best wishes.

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I wouldn't say about someone else appreciatiating a concientious guy like yourself as it sounds like a dig at her and is unnecessary.


It was meant as a compliment to him, not a dig at her.


And I didn't mean he should include that in the correspondence.



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Decided to not send the letter in the end. I have tried for a long time now and it got me nowhere, I will always care but I think the more I do try the more I get frustrated and hurt emotionally so I am comfortable now to sit back, get on my life and wait as I know the realisation of it all will hit her and we will be friends again one day and maybe she needs to go through the decisions she has made to see the truth.

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I have thought about it a lot over the pass few weeks and the reality is I don't think our friendship will ever be the same again anyway. As I said in someones elses thread, she was my best friend and she turned her back on me, let me down and betrayed me after many years of being friends.


I really feel that me pursuing to sort things out sends out the message it was ok what she did to me and to be honest it isn't ok and it will take a while for us to ever overcome that, the trust has been broken and it is not soomething a few words can fix now.


If we get back on speaking terms again one day I feel she would need to regain my trust again and that will take a fairly longest period of time, she has made some selfish decisions and has never considered the repercussions it would have and I feel it is important that she would know that I will forgive to a certain extent but I will not forget because without going too much into detail only me and her know what has happened and I feel she is embarassed of what she has done to a certain extent but I know she is very stubborn person and her pride will prevent her doing the right thing.


Anyway, time will tell but I am in a good place regarding it all right now, which took a little while for me to get to and many frustrations. I know through mutual friends she is making a massive mistake and history is repeating itself but as much as I want to help her see sense because I care I also think she needs to make these mistakes because hopefully next time she will see what type of man her husband really is, will never look back or go back and will realise the people who are important and actually cared about her.

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