Help needed

[Rage]

Need help getting her off my mind...have been doing no contact etc but still think about her all the time. And everything seems to remind me of her .

 

Advice appreciated

[tristesse]

Hi,

I feel the same way... I try my hardest but he's in my mind 24 hours a day!

And he left the country too…so it kills me to not know what he does or if he thinks of me or not.

But What I try to do, is each time I think iof him, I try to tell myself, Ok, I'll think of him in 5 minutes… and then try really hard to think of something else…. Also I don't know the reason of the break up… but try to think of all the bad things and discard the good memories for now. Did you clan all her stuff (pictures, letters etc…)? how long were u with her for?

[bleeder]

Unfortunately as humans, we cannot turn off our thoughts and emotions just like a switch. What you can do is to channel your thoughts into something positive. Pick up a sport, do some reading or even PC games, they can make you forget her for awhile.

 

Main thing is to occupy yourself. The more time you spend dwelling on it, the less productive you will turn out to be.

[macdomat]

I agree with bleeder - emotions cannot be turned off as easily as turning off a light switch. If they could, there'd be no need for enotalone.com, would there?

 

"I don't feel too good today" - click!

 

Okay, so you gotta do something to occupy your time. You have to remember, you do have a life, or at least part of one, that does not include this person. It's rough, and it might not seem like it, but it's true. So you can do what I do - focus on your job/jobs, watch movies nonstop (except the romantic comedies - they'll only make ya feel worse) and talk to friends.

 

Or, help people. That seems to work too. When "She" made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me, instead of moping, I tried to keep myself moving by helping others - you can't believe the change you feel when you focus on doing good rather than doing nothing. I've helped my aging grandpa with his lawn, I've helped my sister with her problems at work, and now I'm helping you! (I hope)

[may222]

Thinking is always occuping our minds and we usually think about things that having meaning in our lives and that person might have hsd the greatest meaning in your life its so hard to get over somone that u loved so much....u do have to take it on step at a time but you also have to open up and realize that the person means and still means so much to you and the no matter what you do u will remember the things that u shared with them...

 

take it easy

may

[Rage]

Well, i work 70 hours a week to take up the time, but i think of her all the time at work. I also do alot of hobbies but she's on my mind then too! I can't sleep at night Either (even though im knackered) because thoughts of her keep me up. And the radio at work doesn't help because it's always playing songs that remind me of her.....everything reminds me of her .

 

And i really don't think i could bring myself to throw away her stuff, not at the moment

 

....I'm lost without her

[may222]

man just go to a club flirt with a girl and there u have it dont let her take up ur mind it does seem hard i feel that way even though i am still with my boo but u got to take it easy on ur self....k

 

chill

 

may

[EatZ]

Rage,

 

I still haven't thrown away the gifts and photos and letters and countless other things that my ex gave me, but I've well and truly hidden them, that's for sure! I suggest you do the same right away. Get a box, walk around your room chucking EVERYTHING in it that reminds you of her, and put the box in the back of the closet. And I really do mean chuck them in. Don't be civil. Take it out on the box! Think of yourself actually kicking these thoughts to the back of your mind because you WANT them to stop plaguing your mind. It's mind power.

 

About the hearing songs that remind you of her; I can relate completely.

 

Practically every song I HEAR still reminds me of my ex to this day. Songs I knew she liked. Songs she hated. Songs we danced to. Songs we sang together in the car. Songs we laughed at while watching on TV. Even songs that had absolutely no connection to her reminded me of her, simply because I would think to myself when the song starts "Hey! This one doesn't have anything to do with her!". And there I go again... thinking of her again.

 

This slowly diminishes. So will the pain. You'll see.

 

Allow yourself to grieve this Rage. Right now it'll feel like she's left with a part of you. Like you've lost your identity. If you feel this way, then there's already something positive to come from this relationship ending. If you feel lost without her, and feel like you've lost your identity, you depended on her too much. I did this in my relationship, and I've learnt that I need to be complete within myself before anything else.

 

I COMPLETELY lost who I was when she left me. I didn't know up from down I was so lost. Two nights after I was dumped and in a desperate attempt to re-establish my identity, I shaved off my goatee, changed my hairstyle and lost about 10kg's. (The weight loss happened over a week). Drastic huh?!

 

It's obvious that you invested a LOT into this relationship. I can tell already that you were a wonderful, loving, caring guy that devoted yourself fully and would've done anything she asked of you. Take solace in the fact that you are a GOOD human being. Good things happen to good people. Continue being a nice guy. After you've healed, you'll be a stronger version of yourself.

 

Take care. Keep posting!

[Rage]

Thanks for the post EatZ and everyone else..

 

I have done as you suggested and removed all items of hers-with force!

 

Practically every song I HEAR still reminds me of my ex to this day. Songs I knew she liked. Songs she hated. Songs we danced to. Songs we sang together in the car. Songs we laughed at while watching on TV. Even songs that had absolutely no connection to her reminded me of her, simply because I would think to myself when the song starts "Hey! This one doesn't have anything to do with her!". And there I go again... thinking of her again.

 

That's exactly the problem/memories i have...

 

I dunno what to do, i'm so lonely without her and i don't want to see anyone else. Even though she is.

 

She keeps txting me, asking how i am, should i keep the no-contact-i have so far?

 

Good things happen to good people

 

I am yet to witness this! (i must be a bad person then!)

[EatZ]

No Rage, you are NOT a bad person. Don't ever think this!

 

I don't know you from a stranger on the street, but I know already from reading what you've said that this break-up has affected you greatly. You're feeling an overwhelming sense of loss right now, like you've lost a part of yourself. The only way to feel like this is to have invested yourself fully into a relationship and revolved your life around someone, perhaps to the demise of your own.

 

I can tell that you're selfless. You're caring and considerate. You love unconditionally and you have a HUGE heart. You ARE a good person. I can tell this all from what you've said!

 

RE: Boxing up her stuff. That's great news Rage, I'm glad to hear it!

 

While putting these things that remind you of her out of sight will help you greatly, don't be discouraged by the early signs that you're still thinking about her. Quite frankly, there's nothing you can do right now to stop thinking about her, other than perhaps numb your mind with sleep.

 

For a while, you'll only have to look at the spot where a picture frame was and it'll remind you of her. Or you'll see a crease on the pillow and imagine her head having laid there. Your mind is a lot more complicated than you'll want it to be right now. Scientists believe our brain works on memories connected to memories connected to memories... An intricate web of thoughts, feelings and emotions where we can take even the most basic of reminders out of context and relate them to whatever we want.

 

Your mind is going to WANT to make connections to her out of everything. This is natural, and it will only subside in time. The best release -- like I said -- is probably sleep.

 

Time will heal your broken heart, Rage. You don't deserve this at all. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're feeling this pain!

 

My advice is to not contact her, it's time to heal. It feels good to have her asking after to you, seeing that you're okay, but it's only a consolation prize to the reality that you're not together anymore. I know what this feels like, and it hurts! It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation too. You don't want to guilt trip her and tell her how bad you really feel, because that would only make you look needy and weak. At the same time you don't want to tell her you're okay and that you're coping well. Perhaps even that you forgive her. Because deep down, you don't.

 

It almost seems like she could be looking for closure, or like she wants to feel that she's being as considerate as possible because she doesn't want to feel guilty anymore. If she's seeing people already, then this is almost certainly the case.

 

I don't doubt for a second that she might have genuine concerns for you, but there's nothing she can say to take weight off the fact that you are no longer together. If you feel the need, send her back some neutral txt's. Don't stop yourself if the urge becomes too much. If you've kept up the no contact long enough already, stick to it. It'll feel a lot more liberating in the long run.

 

I've kept no contact up for 4 weeks and 3 days now. I feel so strong for having lasted this long, and to pike-out now would be letting myself down. I'm not going to let myself do it now.

 

Hang in there Rage. You're not alone.