How to start reconciliation if you broke it off with him

[geminigirl1234]

Hi,

 

I guess my situation is a bit tricky as it does not have the typical dumper/dumpee dynamic.

 

I was seeing this guy for about 5 months, at first he was making lots of plans to see me, was really into me, and was in general taken by me.

However, by about the 4th month, I started getting scared that he would leave me, and so was acting a bit insecure and clingy, I think he could sense this too and was withdrawing a bit, but still kept on making plans, and wanting to see me. By the 5th month, I decided to break it off with him because I was scared of getting hurt. I was also going through some tough times back then, and so my decision was emotion based rather than logic.

 

Now its been two months since I told him I cant see him anymore (to which he didnt object) and I wanted to start talking to him again, and perhaps seeing if the spark is still there....

 

But the problem, is that I dont really know how to go about it.

 

Do I just tell him that I was going through a tough time back then, and if he is ever in my town that I would love to hang out?

 

Suggestions would be awsome! Also, I wanted to know if there are people out there that went through a similar situation and what happened to them.

 

Thanks

[Sonicxman]

Do you know if he is still single? Where does he hang out at? Do you have any of his belongings that need to be returned?

[abitbroken]

Have you done anything to in the meantime to address your fears, so that it won't happen again when you reach another milestone in a relationship? If you are going to try to get him back, only to freak out when he talks exclusivity or when you meet the parents? It is great that you realize what happened, but have you been nipping it in the bud going forward?

 

There was a time when my boyfriend and I were scared, but instead of breaking it off, we talked through it. If you plan on connecting with him again, I wouldn't tell him "i was going through a tough time," which is rather vague. I would tell him that things felt too good to be true and you were afraid of getting hurt, but now you have really addressed your fears. Be prepared for the possibility that he has already moved on.

 

if you want to reconnect with him, I would start the communication simple by just a simple phone call to say hello and go from there, as long as you realize there is a possibility that he is dating someone new.

 

I just reread and you mentioned "if he is ever in my town..." is this long distance? Also, vague invites like "when you are in town look me up" don't bring any results.

[geminigirl1234]

No I dont have any of his belongings, as it was only a short relationship.

And yes it was long distance, but we would see eachother pretty often.

He is supposed to be coming down here in the middle of May.

And I would like to reconnect with him somehow, but I have NO IDEA of how to do this....

I think that saying helloi, hows it going is a good start...but where do I go from there? I mean I dont really think its necessary for me to give him the explanation of how I was scared, things were too good, etc etc as he is not the type of guy to talk about feelings and stuff.

 

I would like to just chat with him, see how is doing...but I am hesitant about asking him to hang out, as I know its a turnoff for guys when a girl makes the moves..... I mean the relationship wasnt that long to begin with....so yeah....a little stuck here.

 

But yeah, perhaps tellin him I was going through a " though time" wouldnt be the best idea?

[Sonicxman]

Everyone is on facebook these days.

[abitbroken]

Yes, if you want a relationship based on good communication, then the best thing to do is communicate. If you want him back, you have to humble yourself. Even if he doesn't talk about his feelings much, doesn't mean he doesn't feel or is not a good listener. Also, some guys express their feelings in different ways by doing nice things or physical touch. I wouldn't get back together with someone who said "I was going through a tough time..." because its generic and lame. I would want them to talk about why they dumped me because I wouldn't ever consider getting back together with them if they didn't demonstrate that they figured things out and figured themselves out. "tough time" says to me "i don't want to admit or talk about it." Why were you scared? Were things moving too quickly? Does he remind you of someone who hurt you before? Is this the longest relationship you had? If there was no reason, if I was the dumpee I would be wary of getting together with someone who could unpredictably dump me for a thin reason.

 

Because you guys are long distance, it is especially important to get to the meat to figure out if the relationship is worth it. Or if he even wants you back.

 

Also - Did he come to your town just to see you or was he there regularly for other purposes like to see family or had meetings?

[geminigirl1234]

He came here for work and also to see me.

But towards the end, he just came here for work, although he did tell me that one of the reasons he was excited to come here is to see me.

 

I broke it off because a) I could feel him withdrawing a bit and b) because I was scared of getting hurt/him leaving me.

 

But the things I read from books say thats its best not to talk about the relationship when you are first reconcilating with an ex, its best just to hang out, have fun...

 

However, me being the one that broke it off, I guess I have to make the effort to see him?

 

The thing is though, I dont think he was too upset by me breaking it off with him, as he was already slowly starting to lose interest as I was acting strange....

 

I feel awkward telling him the reasons why I behaved that way, I mean its been two months....id rather just kind of start over with him, and start hanging out like before.

[abitbroken]

You can't just "start over" unless all you want is to hang out once in awhile as friends and for there to never be a relationship again - that is if he even wants to see you. Sorry, but when we behave badly or strangely, we have to own up or fess up if we want things to change or move forward. There isn't a magic eraser for this. If he is not the most emotional guy, he wasn't going to cry in front of you. He probably was going to work things out on the inside so don't use his lack of a dramatic display means that he didn't care or you didn't hurt him or that all is forgotten.

 

If he was living a mile away from you, I think the slow reconnecting with "hi, how are you" and bumping into him, and meeting for short times would be the way to go and not talk about the relationship, but since he is long distance, you have to grab the bull by the horns more because there is really no way that he will see you unless it is planned well in advance.

 

There is a difference between pressuring someone to "talk about us" or forcing them to make a decision versus fessing up and telling someone that you messed up.

[geminigirl1234]

Hmm yes you have a point there.

 

 

But what would I say to him, in terms of me "screwing up" lol...

Like hey I didnt mean to break it off, but I did it because a) b) c)?

 

I guess it wouldnt be so bad.

 

I mean I could casually ask how things are going, wuts new, ask him for lunch just to catch up...then tell him after hanging out for a bit that I made a mistake by ending things?

 

My only hesitation of doing that, is that we never had such serious conversations before, like when we hung out, it was just more like playing, watching movies, holding hands...I dont want to scare him off with talking about serious topics...but I guess the way I do it is more important right

 

hmm.....

[abitbroken]

Hmm yes you have a point there.

 

 

But what would I say to him, in terms of me "screwing up" lol...

Like hey I didnt mean to break it off, but I did it because a) b) c)?

 

I guess it wouldnt be so bad.

 

I mean I could casually ask how things are going, wuts new, ask him for lunch just to catch up...then tell him after hanging out for a bit that I made a mistake by ending things?

 

My only hesitation of doing that, is that we never had such serious conversations before, like when we hung out, it was just more like playing, watching movies, holding hands...I dont want to scare him off with talking about serious topics...but I guess the way I do it is more important right

 

hmm.....

 

Well...you have nothing to lose because you already lost him. Scaring him off would be talking about marriage and you are not doing that. You can't just pop up in his life again like nothing happened. I mean, you can, but why would you want to be in a relationship where you don't feel comfortable speaking your mind or sharing your feelings. It doesn't mean you have to have these big emotional talks all the time, but it doesn't seem that when something is bothering you you speak your mind. Admitting a mistake or apologizing is not "scaring someone off with deep emotions". It can be undramatic.

 

I think what you are in danger of is being too casual. I wouldn't tiptoe around this one. Tell him that you miss him, are sorry for what you did, and realize why you were scared and am hoping that he gives you another chance. It doesn't have to be with tears or begging. And give him space to think about it. Don't pester him after you have told him and put the ball back in his court to decide if he wants to see you again after that.

 

Then, if he doesn't react well in the long run, then you didn't lose anything, but you gain something if he is willing to try again. oddly enough, a former relationship of mine didnt really get good until one of us opened up to the other one like that.

[geminigirl1234]

Thank you for the the reply, it is definitely helpful and I will take into consideration.

[geminigirl1234]

I forgot to mention though....

 

When I broke it off with him

 

The next day I apologized by saying "Im sorry for telling you to go away like that, I didnt mean to...I hope your doing well, take care."

 

He replied by saying "its ok, I understand why you did it that way, I was just confused at first, anywyas if you are ever in my town, we can go for coffee."

 

 

Does that change the situation a bit? As to how I should approach reconciliation....?

 

 

I should have mentioned that part hehe.

[cm17]

I know you posted this over a month ago... But I am in almost the same situation! I haven't been able to find many examples of situations like mine so it was wonderful to come accross your thread.

 

I was going through depression when my ex (who had been living with me) finally found his own place. After he moved out I became more clingy and I felt as if I was pushing him away by being too emotional. So one night I unexpectedly ended things (it had been on my mind). He agreed after I explained all the reasons it seemed like he wanted to be single. I ended up seeing him a week later and let him know I wasn't sure about my ending things. He was just very confused, but still obviously attracted to me. So, three months later and he's reached out to me several times, we are supposed to hang out and I'm not sure if I should let him know I'm only interested in reconciling (or if he is). I could play it cool and see where things go...

 

I'm wondering how did things turn out for you? Did you end up reconciling?

[Puckdog27]

Good advice from abitbroken....just give him a call, his expression when he answers the phone will speak volumes in how interested he is.