Anger issues

[LostLeo42]

Hello. I just joined. My boyfriend broke up with me this morning. Tomorrow would have been 4 years together. I can't really blame him, its been a long time coming and I pushed him to do it. I know that our relationship is toxic and we are not right for eachother. What scares me is that I don't think I am capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. I never a long term relationship that was normal. I had a few short ones were there was no fighting but the guy left for one reason or another.

 

I'm going to get therapy for myself and maybe I can turn myself around and find someone after all. Its too late for this guy. He has had enough. My problem is that I go into rages, usually its when I am drinking and they start over the least little thing, but they get bad and I usually don't recall any of it. I sort of black out. I have had rages when I was sober, but only a few times. Its much more often when I am drinking. So I am never going to touch alcohol again, which will help. They also coincide with PMS, but there isn't much I can do about that - I am on the pill and also on an antidepressant.

 

I would like to hear from other women on her who have anger problems and have gotten help. I don't have much confidence in my therapist. I've been to her many times and I really like talking to her but I don't think she is helping very much.

[metrogirl]

Well I'm no professional but I'm pretty sure being on anti-depressants and drinking could cause some violent behavior.

[DN]

Have you been physically violent/abusive or only verbally/emotionally abusive?

[LostLeo42]

hmm. I never thought about that. I have been on them for 20 some years - different ones.

[LostLeo42]

Have you been physically violent/abusive or only verbally/emotionally abusive?

 

I have never been physically violent with anyone except for this guy - in the past month I have bit him, hit him a few times and I ripped his shirt off of him. I have been verbally abusive to him many times - always when drinking. Maybe once or twice when sober. He has been emotionally abusive to me in many ways. That is why I am saying this relationship has been completely toxic. Writing this, I know we are better off apart. It just hurts. There were many many good times in between the problems. I want a future relationship that is free of abuse. I've never had compassion for an abuser before, until now, now I know that I am an abuser and I don't mean to do it. I need help.

[DN]

link removed

[LostLeo42]

Thank you for the link. I know I drove him away, I know he deserves a better relationship without all the anger and abuse. But I miss him. I can't believe I'm never going to see him again. How could I have treated someone I loved like that? I will never forgive myself.

[DN]

Well, it is going to be tough to get through this but you can do it. If you can find out why it is that you get so angry and deal with the primary emotions that drive the anger you will go a long way to understanding.

 

But saying things like "I will never forgive myself" won't serve you because that is turning that anger inward against yourself - that is still anger and it is just as destructive.

 

It may be that this relationship is really over and you could not blame him for that. But blaming yourself without trying to fix these issues is perpetuating the same behaviour in a different method.

 

So don't do that. Do something much more positive and find out what it is that makes you so angry and why. Something has happened in your life to cause this and you need to find out what.

 

Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly:

 

have anyone ever abandoned you - physically or emotionally?

were you ever abused as a child?

do you have unfulfilled ambitions?

were you ever bullied?

what is your relationship with your parents like?

what is your relationship like with your siblings?

 

 

do you have an alcohol problem? i.e.

• do you ever think you should cut down your drinking?
  
• do you ever get angry if someone says you drink too much?
  
• do you ever feel guilty about your drinking
  
• have you ever had a drink in the morning to 'cure a hangover'?
  

[LostLeo42]

I know that my anger comes from my childhood. And I know a lot of it is fear that comes out as anger, and its also my way to control situations and people. I just don't know how to stop it.

 

I can drink or not drink - but my BF drinks heavily and when we are together I drink heavily. When I'm alone I never drink or just have 1 or 2. When I drink on top of the antidepressants I get really bombed - and many times don't remember anything. I have told him this, but he keeps pressuring me to drink. Getting away from him will be a good thing in that respect. I will just miss the companionship I guess. We were together for a long time.

[DN]

Alcohol and meds don't mix well.

 

Why not try this and go to a meeting or two: link removed

[LostLeo42]

Thanks for the link. It doesn't look like they have any meetings in my area so I might try the online ones. I guess I just need to be alone for a long while. I probably didn't love my BF which is why I treated him so badly. I liked him, thats for sure, and I will miss him so much. But I don't think he loved me, which prevented me from loving him. The more I think about it, I resented him, because he wasn't making a move to take the relationship to the next level. He will blame that on me - saying he couldln't bring it to the next level due to my behavior. Our lives were deeply intertwined - same friends, gym, lives real close, etc. Thats going to be the hardest part.

[DN]

I think you need to separate out your anger and abuse from your boyfriend and what he did - it is your reactions that you need to deal with and that could come up with anyone else.

 

These are issues within you - the boyfriend was just the object of them.

[LostLeo42]

Oh I know I definitely need to deal with my anger as it has been aimed at others - family members. I've never been physical with anyone else. I'm not sure what pushed me to that with him. I'm really trying to sort it all out right now.