A major issue within our relationship.

[YoungManFromTx]

Ok well im going to start from where i think it ALL started. May 1,2009 i was laid off and have been unemployed for over a year now. Whole lot of reasons for not being able to find/take another job that thiers really no point in going into because my significant other completely agrees with all of them. (main reason would be going from 20+ to 10 an hour when i almost make 10 on unemployment) My fiance works and goes to school just like i did a few years ago. Only difference (although a big one) is that we have a 2 year old. I am stay at home dad for the time being, and let my wife talk me into getting our son a puppy. So now i take care of 2 2yr olds.

 

Now to the problem. She comes home and nags constantly. Either I dont clean enough or i dont spend any time with her. Either way it turns into a knock down drag out and i am SPENT. I'm not the person that would clean just to clean. I was spoiled my entire life with someone to pick up after me till i took care of her while she passed. (at age 16) I do clean just not up to her standards. When she gets home from work/school she watches general hospital/greys anatomy/flavor of the day that i HONESTLY have absolutely no interest in. So i play some computer games/do some scripting/coding to pass the time. We do watch some shows together but both of us are 22yrs old with a 2 year old and it isnt easy to find time for US.

 

I just cant take any more. I love her to death and would do almost anything for her but i can't change the person i am overnight especially if shes not willing to work on her faults. She wont even admit she has problems, and when i try to point them out in our discussons (after mine are pointed out) she completely shuts down. I am puzzled on what to do. If i leave her shes screwed. Her school will go to crap she has no family within 3000 miles, and they dont even have money to help (well they do but wont help). I'm just lost and feel my self sliding into a depression.

 

My main issues are: She refuses to meet me half-way on ANYTHING, Our sex life is Non-Existent(she doesnt even think sex is a part of a relationship), The nagging has got to stop, She pushes and pushes until i snap like she is trying to help me end up in jail, The lack of any other options

[alli]

Yeah, I can see why that would suck to have her come home & nag you every day about cleaning & having a bad attitude. Seems like things are a bit difficult for you both.. you being unemployed & her working & probably feeling like she is supporting both of you.

 

Perhaps you could write out a plan. I know for me & my bf, he just doesn't see things as messy the way I do. Crums on the table, hair all over the bathroom sink, dirt & things tracked all over the carpet, dust on the counters.. he just doesn't see it & think "Oh that needs to be wiped up/vaccuumed". He only sees the dirty dishes to put in the dishwasher & the dirty laundry lying around the house. But there is some upkeep required, dirt & grime accummulate on their own & it takes more effort than just picking up what you've strewn about during the day. Now, I don't know how much you clean those types of things, that's just my situation.

 

Maybe you can write out a cleaning plan. Ie, you will vaccuum & dust furniture on mondays, clean bathrooms (scrub toilets & counters) on wenesdays, and sweep & mop kitchen on fridays, in addition to the regular upkeep of washing your own dishes & laundry. Seems like a reasonable effort to help keep the place looking tidy that takes maybe a half hour each day. And ask her if she can compromise on some things you would like from her. Not because she's wrong, but because it's what you would like (just like you tidying up more is what she would like) You don't really mention what you would like to see from her so I can't give any suggestions on how she could compromise.

 

Also, talk to her about the sex thing. Sometimes sex starts to feel like work if you aren't feeling any passion in relationships. Maybe try to set up a date night once every couple weeks. Doesn't have to be expensive, just something you two can enjoy alone together. Maybe give her a sensual massage every once in a while, without trying turn it into sex. Try to diffuse arguments before they get too heated. It's hard to be intimate with someone you're pissed at. My bf is pretty good about that. I tend to escalate problems while he is usually good at calming me down.

[Notreadyet87]

So just to clarify you haven't been able to find a job because a majority of the jobs that you've found would only pay you 10 dollars an hour(which is what you get through unemployment) where before you received 20 dollars an hour?

Depending upon where your located, there has to be SOME jobs that would at least meet halfway. How much longer is this arrangement going to continue. The longer you stay unemployed the more you'll have to explain when you interview why you had that large gap without a position.

That is beyond the point though, I think the bigger issue is that she probably feels that if your home all day with the kid and dog, and she's busting her butt work, the LEAST you can do is keep the home very clean, so that she comes home to a clean relaxing environment. A part of it may also be the fact that deep down inside she doesn't like the fact that while your at home with your son, and the dog, she's out having to work--which is why I'd recommend that even getting a job that may be somewhat of paycut could be beneficial to the relationship.

In terms of cleanliness. Everyone has different standards. It seems, from what you're saying that she is a bit more picky about certain things than you are. Maybe you two need sit down and create a chore plan--with you obviously taking care of MORE of the chores since your at home, and she can take care of the smaller things that bother her. That way you both meet in the middle.

With sex, I think it actually may be linked to you not working(I know for a lot of my friends who are in that situation it has completely turned them off from the guy). She may agree with your reasons, but it doesn't mean that deep down she necessarily likes the situation the way it is(with her being the only one working and you taking on a traditonal woman's role). I also think it probably has to do with the fact that you both are young, she's far from home, she's busy with school, and work, and a 2 year old. She's probably stressed out and tired.

Sex is another thing that you guys should try to work and compromise.

Have you brought it up to her?

[generaldiscord]

Jobs: Send out a few resumes every day. Check up on Craigslist for odd jobs you can do to keep yourself from getting mental.

 

Cleaning: If that's what it takes to keep the peace, it's worth a few minutes a day. Wipe down the bathroom sink, shake out the bath mats, spritz the mirror. Sweep the dust bunnies that collect behind the door. Take a trash bag around the house, and throw everything away that needs to be tossed. Spent all of five minutes putting stuff away, and voila, it's done.

 

Nagging: That's the hardest part. My mother nagged me most of my life. It was an incessant whine that completely plagued me. I've tried every possible passive method there could possibly be to stop from being nagged, but end there was always something to nag about. You should sit her down and tell her that it is making you miserable.

 

Tell her that you are two young healthy people in love with a beautiful boy in a country full of opportunities, and that you want it to stay that way. Let her know that her nagging is making you unhappy, making you feel worthless and dead inside, and killing your enjoyment of home, where you spend most of your time. Tell her you'll work to make things better, but that you also want to be happy. Tell her that depressed people are not as productive, and that she is depressing you. I gave a similar speech to my mother. Didn't work.

[YoungManFromTx]

alli: We have tried the date night thing, and it doesnt seem to work. We either end up arguing about the same things (because she cant hold her liquor) or she passes out for the same reason. And we cant seem to go out on a date night and not drink. But i will have to give that a try some time soon. (not drinking on date night)

 

Notreadyet87: as far as the work situation goes... We only have one car. No money to buy a second. Cant afford a second payment, and my credit rating took a major hit the past year so.... that leaves us with the option of asking her mother for the money to buy a second car, but she just hates asking her parents for help when my mom has been helping us pay our bills for months now which doesnt bother her. And yes i seem to come to the same conclusion that it could be her "libido" but then she goes on with this its always my fault blah blah blah nag nag nag. I will try to come up with a new way of presenting it to her, i just tend to be very blunt.

 

generaldiscord: I send out as many resumes as i can find jobs that fit/i can make it to. I cant take a job making less than 16 and still be able to pay what bills we are able to pay now. (and thats with more help from my mom) Cleaning is a hard spot for me. I TRY to clean as much as i can, but i absolutely REFUSE to work all day every day. Let me explain that better i take care of a 2yr old boy and a 5 month old boxer puppy. baby takes a nap at about noonish wakes up around 1:30. Thats MY time. I eat lunch straighten up a few things then i call some friends watch a tv show or 2 b4 its back to juggling them haha. I cant multitask at all. so it is very difficult for me to watch both of them LET ALONE try to clean. As far as nagging goes... It's killing me. I can't take another session. It starts when she gets home and continues till i either leave, or i make her so mad she doesnt want to talk to me the rest of the night. It's been like this for so long its becoming just a blurr. I've never thought of my life as a "grind", but now i do.

 

Just to add some more info about me. I'm a certified welder by trade who was only certified for about 7 months b4 i got laid off. There is so many people with more experience than me that are willing to work for the wages i actualyl need to survive. The only jobs i find that fit are 2 hour drives from my home. It just cant work.

[Notreadyet87]

From what I'm getting from this post, is that maybe it's time for some changes to happen! First, though you haven't came out and said it, are bills an issue for you guys? Are you guys financially stressed? If so, would it be possible for you guys to downsize so that you a little more financial freedom--if you have two bedroom go down to a 1 bedroom--until you get a better paying job. This may be a solution that will prevent you from having to ask your parents for money, and will also delay the need to get another car until you have a better paying job.

 

Second, I think you guys need relationship counseling. It seems like you guys are having issues communicating with one another and even when your supposed to be having a good time(date nights) you aren't. Relationship counseling can help you get to the bottom of things and also help you with communicating more effectively with each other.

 

Third, since date nights aren't working, what about developing a hobby together. Is there anything at all that you both like or interested in that does not involve drinking? For instance hiking, cooking, music, etc. Having a once a week hobby day would be a great way to bond with something you both enjoy. And during those times you both can make an agreement beforehand to NOT argue.

 

Finally in regards to her sex drive. That is something that will probably need to be addressed with more caution. A lot of women sex drive declines once they've had a child and are overworked, stressed, etc. It's going to take effort on her end as well as some gentle communication from you. Is she on birth control? She could see a gyno and see if there's anything wrong. Or you guys can try different things to make it more exciting--role-playing, doing it in random places, etc.

 

In terms of your job situation I'm very sorry. Is it possible for you to go back to school part time and get some type of certification in computers, technical, or something that can leverage you a decent paying job?

[YoungManFromTx]

I completely agree with you on the down sizing idea, but she is fighting me on it. We make it by with a little help on the electricity bill/sometimes rent. I think down sizing would be a great idea, but she doesnt want to. So i choose not to push that issue since thiers already so much on her plate. I completely understand that she is overwhelmed at the moment, but its not an excuse.

 

I've been trying to get her to see a doctor but she keeps making up excuses but i think i may jsut make the appointment for her and then tell a white lie to get her to take off work and have it be kind of a surprise. Not sure how thats going to work but we will see.

 

As far as the school thing goes money/time is the issue. It's just not feasible at this moment in time. Last night we had a pretty descent talk until it turned into a fight. She feels that i'm not there for her, but i dont see how i can be. Everytime i try to talk to her about whats going on in her life she goes straight on the defensive. I'm puzzled and think she may need to see a psych for her anxiety issues. I just know i cant take much more of this.

[Notreadyet87]

It doesn't seem like she's being practical nor is she even making an effort to compromise. Honestly if you guys are struggling, she REALLY needs to consider downsizing so that it takes some of the stress off for BOTH of you. If she isn't willing to do that, then I'm little baffled. Unless she has valid reasons for why she doesn't want to downsize temporarily then I think you need to lay down the law and let her know that things are NOT working right now and that if she wants this relationship to work and your home situation to work things have to change. She needs go to the doctor, she needs to compromise on the downsize issue, and you two need to learn how to have a good time with each other without fighting.

Really I think seeing a counselor would be a good idea at this point. But first I think you need to be a bit more assertive in terms of letting her know that if this continues you won't be around much longer.

[YoungManFromTx]

I got her to accept the whole downsizing thing, but I'm going to wait to talk to her about anything else until she gets home. I'll post with how it goes.

[generaldiscord]

The point is NOT to clean all day. people who clean 15 to 20 minutes a day have ridiculously neat houses.

 

Job market is tough, everybody understands that. If there is a way, you should try improving your skills while you're unemployed.

 

And the nagging does have to stop! I'm sure it will be ultimatum time soon.