Finding answers

[Mandoro]

This turned out to be pretty long. Because of that not everyone is going to want to read the whole thing so I added a TL;DR for those people. Its about the main points, but like most TL;DRs it lacks details.

 

For a long time now Ive been wanting to post about my issues here. The longer Ive waited the more they have piled up. I posted on here one time about an issue I was having regarding studying. I was looking for answers as to why I just couldn’t study (not mental issues, more emotional) and the response I got was just because that is what you do. Now while that may work for some, that didn’t answer my question at all. You never do it “just cause”, there is always an underlying motivation and I wanted to find out why I was lacking that motivation. Needless to say, I was kind of put off by the whole thing and just kept it in.

 

Ever since I started college I begin changing internally. Before college I was in a town of less than 300 people, most of which would never have a chance to excel past high school. It was very easy for me, and people noticed it was easy for me. I became the person that everyone cheered for at the basketball games and the person that everyone counted on when things academically needed to be done. I did these things and they made me feel great. All the praise I got made me feel like I was on top of the world.

 

Coming to college changed that. No more praise, no more people counting on me, no more none of that. Now I think this is the place to note that my mom has always been there for me through thick and thin. She has raised both my brother and I by herself and has done very well by us. So well that we were both able to have new cars at 16 and are both currently enrolled in a top-tier university (Texas A&M). Even with my mom’s support Ive just been unable to excel like I used to.

 

My first issue is my self-image or self-esteem or whatever you want to call it. It is definitely in a poor state. I have found that I feel my best when I am in dress clothes. When I have those things on I feel like I could own the world, its crazy what clothes can do. With that being said, I cant wear dress clothes all the time. For one, I am in college and that is just ridiculous. Secondly, dress clothes are really hot and a person of my size and stature doesn’t do well with heat.

 

For the longest time Ive wanted to post a pic of myself up here and ask yall what else I could do. Im really bad with colors and matching and stuff, so much so that all I wear now are maroon and blue shirts with khaki colored shorts. Anyway, I haven’t gone through with that because Im afraid of my friends possibly finding out I have these issues. That though, leads to my second problem.

 

My second problem is that Im a closed book. I don’t talk about my problems with people. I believe it may be largely because I was raised in an old-style southern conservative environment where you just didn’t talk to people. Every time I make friends I try and be the foundation of the friendship and because of that Ive always tried to hide my issues because if you have a foundation with issues, the whole thing is going to collapse sooner or later. If I ever have issues I try and fix them myself and well we see how far that has gotten me. Ive tried using the student counseling services that they provide here at school, but the person I was speaking to just didn’t seem genuinely engaged in the conversation. I was there to find answers and she was there to listen I guess.

 

Third, because of my constant internal struggle throughout college, I have been unable to develop correctly socially. Ive been able to overcome this somewhat, but I am still largely afflicted by my inability to converse with people and keep it going. Around men I do great, women though, not so much, especially if I find them attractive in any way. When I converse with people I don’t exactly think before I speak, but I am able to be a part of most conversations. When women are involved is when I start to think about what I say and when I think about it I realize that it just doesn’t seem like things you would say to women so I don’t say anything at all and it just kind gets quiet. Meh…

 

Fourth is my size. I am 6’8 290lbs and I should be happy. Im tall, Im strong, but Im not completely set on the whole looks thing and there isn’t much I can do about it. I am a little chubby, but I believe the best route is to just come to terms with it and I am, but it is getting harder every day. Above I talked about clothing, as you can imagine it is hard for me to find clothes that fit and that I think look good, so much so that I have just about given up shopping completely. I haven’t bought a new piece of clothing in about two years.

 

Another thing about my size is that it draws attention and I know it. Every day it feels like I have a million pair of eye balls bearing down on me and theoretically speaking all those eyes are heavy, it really hits the self-esteem hard. I did have this problem as well in high school, but with all the good coming in it was easy to ignore this problem.

 

Fifth is my mind. It is very jumbled, it is in the past, present, and future. I often look back on the past to figure out why the things that are happening to me are happening. I always look at the present to see how things are going, and I often look at the future to see what I want to do. Part of me just wants to break loose and go do crazy things like dance in public and jump out of airplanes, but I find myself waiting for that special girl to share it all with. I feel as if I am holding myself back until I find the right person. Im not saying Im ready now because honestly how could I possibly be ready with all of these issues hindering my ability to function correctly on the outside.

 

In many other ways, though, I could be contributing to my own well being. I am pretty hard on myself, I don’t reward myself for a job well done, I don’t buy myself things “just cause”. One big thing in my mind is that all that should keep me going is the hard work and determination of my mom to raise me the best she could, afford the best essentials she could, and put me in college. In my mind I think that is all I should need to keep moving forward and it really disgusts me to think otherwise. This will in turn lead me to be even harder on myself for thinking that I need anything more than that and it is just a recurring cycle.

 

TL;DR: I have five problems, self-esteem, I am a closed person, undeveloped socially, my size and how I perceive, and my mind. I am trying to find answers.