Afraid to go see him

[Anusha]

I suposed to go see my ex in a few months to see if is worth to get back together.It is very hard to decide it based just on our online contact plus he is kind of sick of chatts what makes it even harder.Anyway Im a bit afraid of all that.What if things go bad? I will be in a foreign country far away from my friends and family.Plus I sufered a lot with our break up(it took me about one year to get over it) and I really dont want to have my heart broke again.But for the other hand I think I might regret it for the rest of my life if I dont give it one last try.Like I will be always wondering if it would have worked if we had tried that maybe.Anyway what you all think I should do?

[quirky]

Hi

 

I had a quick look at your other threads.. I have been LD with my ex for a year now and I know how if's and but's may be tormenting your mind. From what I gathered though your ex has hardly done things to win you over. It's not just the distance, trust me. Sure it makes things harder but let's be honest..if he was fully commited you would be happy to go and be with him. He could be sending you a letter, flowers, an e-card, playing games online..there's always things someone can do. Why would you put yourself through this? I think he should be the one to visit and the fact that the thought stresses you..well maybe your intuition is telling you something. I suggest you research on addictive love and read the books "He's just not that into you" and "Why men love b***hes". I know you'd rather hear it's all gonna be perfect but I have been through your paranoia and your only way out is to become much more selfish and stop giving him excuses.

[Anusha]

I get your point but sometimes I wonder if he isnt like that because of the net.Maybe his lack of effort has to do with him being sick of all that.I mean if you are sick of something you wont want to do it much or put much effort on it right? That is why I think is important we meet in real life,to see if he is like that outside from the net too.

[happygal]

Honey, I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I read some of your post. It seems that your bf lives far away and you don't get too see him much nor chat that much. And honestly, no matter howsick he might be of the web, if he truly loves you and cared, he wouldn't mind. You are the one that should matter the most. Let me ask you what does he say to your worries and fears? What does he offer you so that you feel better? Are you guys making any plans for the future, like setting a time frame etc,?

This is all very important, set up skype or something.

I don't know how you do it, I have the hardest time seeing my bf once or twice a month, but we chat daily. And he doesn't like the net or writing much either, but he loves me, and will do anyhthing to keep me happy.

Some of those books mentioned are really good, common sense but eye openers. Maybe make a check list positives and negatives for this relationship, and go from there. And if you feel you need t go see him than you need to do this to have your peace, but I would lay down some requirements so that this can work, if can't offer you that, it is probably time to move on. I know this is so painful but you are important and so is your happiness - put that first! Good Luck.

[lostinlove2010]

I completely agree with happygal. I think her post was well written. Distance is hard and sending emails and talking online gets old but if your boyfriend truly loves you and cares than he would rather use the internet to communicate with you than lose you.

 

Are you making plans for the future together? It is very hard to keep a long distance relationship going without an end date in mind. Don't settle - if you're boyfriend isn't making an effort to come see you than find someone who is close and will be there for you. Best of luck

[Anusha]

Yes we made plans,we set that I would try going there in June.I still dont have all the money for the ticket(I have about half now) so I will get a job and save for the rest first.And after my visit there if things go well and we decide to get back together,we will start working on me moving in there.

 

Im just confused,sometimes Im pretty sure that we just dont work together.Im not much sure that he can change enough to be the kind of guy that I want.I like lots of contact,romance,afection and he seems to be the oposite of that.Other times I wonder if maybe in real life things will be diferent than here.

[happygal]

You set a date to go visit, and it shouldn't depend of having enough money for you to pay the ticket, he should offer to pay at least for half of it.

Also if you think he is the opposite of you, believe me that won't change once you are in person, he is who he is, and you need to accept that or move on.

Do you think the relationship would be flourishing if you would be living in the same town, he doesn't seem to put any efford into this at all now, why would he when you are together.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but this truly doesn't sound right. You are questioning so much with this guy- he doesn't seem to do anything for you - I don't know

 

If you would tell him, you aren't sure if you should even come see him, what would his reaction be? Whatever or would he bend over backwards and do anything so that you'll see each other. I understand where you are coming from and the fear and hope mixture you got happening, but I just don't have a good feeling with this one. I am sorry.

[Anusha]

I told him that I was afraid to come and he said that unfortunaly he couldnt say anything to assure me that things would go fine cause he doesnt know if they will too.But if I chose to not go I know that will mean that our relationship will have to end.We reached the point where is impossible to continue LD anymore.

 

About paying for half of the ticket,is only fair I pay for it this time.All the other times I went there he paid for my tickets since I couldnt afford it by then.So now Im working and so can pay for it I think is only fair I do so.

[penelope13]

Why is he not coming to see you? I find if someone broke your heart once and you do decide to give them a second chance, it's their duty to convince you that they really want to be with you and that they are sorry they hurt you so much.

 

This guy hasn't done anything to convince me that he is serious about you: you are the one who needs to make sure that you see him online, you are the one who is supposed to travel, he even tells you that he can't give you any guarantees.

 

This is really not the best scenario to believe in reconciliation and a better relationship the next time around.

 

Apart from that, I don't think if one is unable to be happy by oneself is the best time to start a relationship, even with Mr Perfect. You seem to have a lot of self esteem issues and you don't seem to have a life outside this hope for this dysfunctional relationship.

Giving everything up and moving to another country seems quite risky under those circumstances. What are you going to do if things don't work out with him? Do you really think a single visit will be sufficient to show you that he is sincere about you?

 

Sorry to sound so gloomy; I have been in LDRs and I have given people second chances, but your situations doesn't give me a lot of hope for a happy end.

[Anusha]

I know what you mean,Im not much confident about that myself too.But Im just afraid that I might regret it for the rest of my life if I dont give it a try.I still havent decided what to do though.

 

He cant come here cause he already has another plans for his holidays(the only time that he can get free from work).He set that up before we start talking again and before we decide to try to be together again.

[happygal]

How long have you known the guy?

If you have to go to have your peace, you need to go, and don't let anyone tell you different.

But make sure you don't make any excuses for him.

It doesn't sound promising, and I am certain everyone tell's you that. You deserve to be loved and desired and you should feel it, too. Believe me it is a much better feeling than just hoping for it to change to be that way.

[Anusha]

How long have you known the guy?

If you have to go to have your peace, you need to go, and don't let anyone tell you different.

But make sure you don't make any excuses for him.

It doesn't sound promising, and I am certain everyone tell's you that. You deserve to be loved and desired and you should feel it, too. Believe me it is a much better feeling than just hoping for it to change to be that way.

 

We know each other for almost 10 years now.We stayed together for almost 7,stayed broke up for about 6 months and then got back together for 9 months in 2008.Broke up again and now we are a litle more than one year broke up.

 

That is my main doubt,I often wonder if he is just like that because of the net.Plus I think we both see it all totaly diferent.I see the net(our chatts and so on) as our relationship when we are away,that is why I want to do it often and take it as important and so on.But I think he doesnt see it that way.He sees that as our way to keep contact and comunicate while we are away but not really as a relationship,that is why he is fine doing it twice a week and so on.

[Anusha]

Plus I dont know how long more he can keep going online.We stayed a year without chatting and we just have been chatting again for less than two months and I can tell that he is already geting tired of it.He said that after all that time there is nothing "new and fun" to talk about anymore.But at the same time I feel that I might need some more time to decide if I should move in there or not.

[penelope13]

Moving under those circumstances is really crazy IMHO. If he was really interested in a relationship with you he would move heaven and earth to be with you, to communicate with you. It's not an excuse to say 'I would be different if it wasn't for the internet' - the distance is a fact between you, thus you have to deal with it.

 

His unwillingness to cancel his holiday plans and thus expecting you to come over speaks volumes of disrespect.

 

I'm sure that this guy likes you on some level, doesn't mind communicating with you, even seeing you - but only if you do it on his terms!

 

You have really been robbed so much of your own self value that you belief it is all up to you to make this work. "I will regret it if I don't do this" - this sounds like you are talking yourself into this.

 

You have not been really happy since you are back in touch with him. You are constantly worrying about all the things that he is not doing.

 

You have been through numerous cycles with this guy and every time you have to conclude that he hasn't changed. What gives you the impression that things will change now?

 

I have moved countries multiple times, it's a huge deal even if you do it under the best circumstances. But there is a high risk that this relationship might not work out (again) and then you will be left far away from your family, without any support system, you have difficulties making friends even in your own home country, do you think this will be easier to do when you have moved?

 

Moving will not magically remove all the personal problems that you have, but only make them more obvious, you are just taking them with you.

[Anusha]

Thanks penelope and I agree with you.All that is way much more complicated than it seems.And spending a good month together doesnt mean anything really.It doesnt change the fact that 90% of the time it was bad before and it is no guarante that things will work this time.I have lost the confidence in this relationship and so I need to have it back before I can make such a huge decision as moving in there.But Im afraid that if I tell him that Im not ready to do it now and so need some more time,he will prefer to end things then.If he is all that tired of the net after only two months already,I doubt that he will want to keep it for longer until I can feel more secure about that.

[happygal]

Honey, you need to move on! He doesn't want to be with you! To even say those things and the lack of action should tell you right there. Also do you want to be with a person like this anyhow. Come on 10 years!!! Give me a break, go see a therapist - I have seen one after my divorce and it has helped so much for me to open my eyes to reality. I highly recommend that!

Look how much time you are waisting and the man of your dreams could be right there infront of you some where, and doesn't get a chance because you let this guy dictating your every days life (and not in a good way).

 

What do you see in him? Why do you let this come this far? Another book I recommend is 'codepended no more' it is great. Go to the library and start reading some of those books, it will help you to move into a happier and healthier place.

And it really doesn't matter what all of us tell you, you need to get their on your own and get the big "AHAAA" moment.

But get startet... Good Luck!