feverish and feeling crazy (longish post)

[diplocaulus]

Before Christmas my girlfriend of 5-ish months broke up with me because she "didn't want to be in a relationship anymore." After that, we kept in some slim contact and even tried to work things out again in January. We had some promising dates and things started to feel good again. Then February hit and she started to withdraw, until she just stopped all contact without any explanation. On several occasions I tried to reestablish communication, but she ignored me every time. (If this sounds familiar, it's because I wrote about it in the "Breaking Up" forum several months ago.)

 

So, months have passed and many of my friends were telling me I should go on some dates and just meet some new people. I set up an account on a dating site and looked around. I was curious about all the people and saw several who I thought could be potentially interesting. I did notice, however that I was always comparing them to the ideals that I felt my previous girlfriend had (whether she had those qualities or not) and also a bit of comparing how they might have qualities she didn't have. One girl seemed particularly interesting, although there were aspects of her that seemed oddly similar to my ex: very tall, stylish hair, same job, funny. I told myself she wouldn't be the same person as my ex and I would discover a new person, regardless of if the relationship went anywhere or no. And, I have to confess, it was exciting to talk/text with someone new.

 

We've chatted a few times on the phone and plan on meeting later this week, which I am looking forward to.

 

But there is still a part of me that still feels pretty raw about my breakup. I don't feel as confident/charming as I could. I still think somewhat nostalgically about moments shared with my ex from time to time. When I catch myself doing this, I tell myself that my ex did not want a relationship with me, regardless of how wonderful those moments were. Those moments are usually in the morning, driving home from work, or late at night (like right now).

 

I've been sick this weekend, feverish and sweating off and on and now I can't sleep and I'm letting my mind just flood with thoughts. Thoughts about if I can give the new girl a fair shake. Thoughts about what would I do if my ex tried to contact me. Thoughts about good times I had with my ex. Thoughts about hating myself and my life. Thoughts about prayer. Thoughts about how excited I get when I see an email from new girl. And thoughts about "why can't I sleep?"

 

I dunno. I may have a lot of fun later in the week, after I get better and meet this new girl. After the break up my mantra was "one day at a time". I was really good about living that way, but suddenly I'm finding it difficult to do.

 

Okay, I'll stop rambling.

[bluen]

Although you may feel like your rambling, I think your rambling very normally and processing everything as you should. It's quite natural to compare anyone you meet to the girl you previously dated and the qualities they possessed. If it makes you feel any better i've been broken up with someone for about 6 months now and have not fully healed. To honest, I am very far away from healing fully but you are taking the necessary steps to living your life for you and by signing up for a dating site your taking a leap of faith and who knows, you might meet someone great or even better then your ex whether or not you think that is possible. Your doing fine man, just do you, everything else will fall into place. Feel better.

[misssmithviii]

You will come to these points in your life after a breakup, it's very normal so don't sweat it ;] It's just your mind getting used to not thinking about your ex anymore, it takes time and you're on the right path by moving on.

 

I think you might do really well with starting no contact with your ex. It will help remind you that you are an individual with great characteristics that do not rely on her company or attention. You may feel like your confidence is gone, but you are far from low self-esteem compared to what I've heard from other posters; the lengths to which they go through constantly trying to get their ex back and what not. You can do this, and you will give this new girl a fair chance as long as you remember she is not your ex, she is a NEW girl and you are doing just fine without your ex.

 

If your ex tries to contact you, simply tell her ONCE and only ONCE that you are moving on with your life and it's no offense to her, but you'd appreciate if she'd respect your life apart from her now and would cease efforts to try and talk to you. I've actually had an ex (who was a friend after the breakup) tell me that after all those years, he was hiding the fact that talking to me was actually holding him back emotionally and he would respectfully like to never speak to me again. I understood and replied that I wish him the best and I hope all goes well.

 

So here's the affirmation I'm sure you need: It's ok, these feelings are quite normal, you're better off dating around and finding someone who you can connect with, and you do not need your ex in your life.

 

^_^

[diplocaulus]

Well, I went on the date with New Girl and it was one of the most unusual dates I've ever been on. I don't mean we did weird things or went to bizarre places. I mean we hung out for almost 7 hours (!) and I think I talked for about 30 of those minutes. She talked almost the entire time and only asked me about myself once or twice. Now, there were interesting moments while she was talking, and some not so interesting moments, but whatever. I'd be willing to give her another chance if she was up to it/showed some interest.

 

So, after a not-as-promising-as-I'd-hoped date, of course I was disappointed. I found out that New Girl is NOTHING like my ex, so that's good. I'm glad to know I can move on and hope to find something else interesting. But yesterday, I did spend some time (not on purpose) thinking about those first dates with my ex and how exciting those were. I have to keep reminding myself about how cruel my ex was in cutting off contact without any explanation and how that's why she wasn't right for me.

 

Well, back to the drawing board.