Cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel

[cparker]

I have been reading postings for the last couple of days now and felt that someone will be able to relate to what I am feeling. About 1 month ago by common law spouse of 8 years decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said that he is tired of fighting and arguing. I really believe that we didn't do anymore of this than any other couple. I am completely devestated by this breakup and don't know what to do with myself. I still love him very much and still want to be with him but he feels that he can't do it. It won't work he says and we may as well do this now.

 

It is not getting any easier emotionally for me. I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a ton of people telling me to keep my chin up, move on, it will take time but it will happen etc. I know all of this but I truly feel that I can't do this. I am not a kid, (32 years old) and I know what I should be doing but I cannot bring myself to do it. I really feel like I am drowning in my emotions right now and don't know where to turn.

 

Can someone please help

[Ilak2helpdahelpless]

Well I don't have any experience with divorces, but my sister does. She broke it off with him becase He was too controlling with money (he makes a lot of money) and lied about what he was spending it on. (somehow they were always broke, she had no idea where it was going).

 

The point is this: She now has a boyfriend that she's serious about, (she started seeing him a couple of months after they broke up and it's been about a year now) and he, for the past few months has wanted to get her back. She dosen't want him back. But he's stubborn and buys her stuff and does little things that are nice, to get her back. He's wasting his time!!

 

I know your situation may be quite different (reasons for the breakup).

I don't know if he's found another woman yet, but sooner or later he's gunna. You don't want to be in the situation your're in now, when that happens. You will want to be in that place where you've decided to move on, and maby find someone else.

 

If you don't move on, and he finds someone else, that's really going to hurt.

I suggest that you find some activities to occupy your time, to keep you busy. Go do whatever it is you like to do.

I know hearing all this sucks, but it's all I can say for you. Hope it helps.

[SwingFox]

Hi cparker,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for bringing your confusion and questions to us. I am sorry that things didn't go the way you had them planned and I understand that you are going through a lot of pain right now. Although, I even have never been married before, I can understand your pain. Being together for 8 years is a long time, even though it doesn't seem like that.

 

I can tell you though, that time will heal your wounds eventually. Your feelings are correct: you feel very down, especially because all this happened not long ago and a little unexpected, as well. I think that it might take another few months, may be even a year before things will start to get back to normal again. You are in a healing process and to speed up this healing process, I would suggest to accept your pain as part of it. That will definitely benefit you.

 

Another suggestion I have, is: try to live in the present. When you feel down or depressed and you're looking back again, take a very very deep breathe through your nose... hold your breathe for a few second and then let the air go slowly through your mouth. Then tell yourself: "Hey! I am living in the here and now! I live in the present!"

 

Try to keep yourself occupied and if possible, try to get a very close friend involved in you, so you can tell him/her everything that bothers you. That also benefits you.

 

I hope that (some of) this helps you. I wish you strength and good luck to pull this through.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[fletche]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain, maybe what I can do is to relate my experience.

 

I'm a guy, not sure if it makes a difference!?

 

I was married for 10 years, I lied and cheated my way for a long time. 3 years before she left me, I reformed. I mentally commited myself that I would stay with and be faithful to this women. We discussed things and agreed a plan, bought the country house, I got more stable employment and broke off contact with my previous 'friends'. I believed we were building a future together.

 

Over 2 years later I came home one day and she told me she was divorcing me for what I had done 3 years earlier. While I'd been working in India, she'd struck up an affair with an aquantance of mine!

 

Without going into who might be right or wrong in this situation (I don't think it helps), I was and still am devastated after over 1 1/2 years later. I reached the ultimate low not too long ago!

 

It does get better day by day, month by month, but I sometimes have incredibly bad days.

 

I tried to understand why!

 

I try to do the things that used to make me happy, ski a lot (3 weeks this year), sail, do business...........

 

What I take from my experience is communicate, communicate, communicate. This is certainly helping me now and if I'd of done a better job in the past, it might have averted my current situation.

 

I'd also say that it is important to close chapters, there is no such thing as the truth, it's totally subjective. Close that door and move on with positive memories and valuable experiences and don't be hard on yourself. It's can be a killer!

 

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

 

Quentin

 

P.S. Every kick in the ass is another step forward.