Should I stop seeing him?

[Evenstar]

Hi everyone!

 

First I'd like to thank you for taking some of your time to read this. And thanks for any comments, advise, experience sharing...etc.

 

My problem is simple. I met this boy when I entered university four years ago, I immediately noticed that I had some kind of a crush on him. But I rejected it cause at that time I was not open about my homosexuality and I was convincing myself that I was straight even though I knew something was not quite right.

 

I am a friendly person so when entering university I made lots of new friends. I was having fun with students parties, etc.... I thought all these friends were true friends until the day we needed to decide who's gonna share an apartment for the following year (that's usually how it works in my university, you stay in dormitory the first year and the second year you start living with your friends in shared apartments around town). Anyway I was left alone and realized those friends did not really care about me after all.

 

That was the time I became close to my crush. I was alone and I felt this desire to be close to him. One would have recognized it as love. Anyone but me. I was totally blind to my feelings. I was thinking about him all the time, asking him to go out as friends, waiting for him outside his classroom. And I thought it was just because of the fact my friends has letting me down. That I was just looking for new friends. But it soon went out of control. I was not eating, not doing my homework, I was walking him home even though mine was the opposite way. I wonder what people thought of all that. To me it was not strange or anything. At this time I didn't know how he really felt about me. I thought we were best friends. He recently confessed that he was feeling really uneasy, and thought things like: "what's up with this fag...?". I was shocked when I heard that. Anyway I did a nervous breakdown, tried to kill myself twice then decided to seek help and started to see a shrink. It really helped me. I finally recognized my love for him and my homosexuality.

 

Ok all this is good but the problem is not solved. After graduating from university I went to Canada for a year, and being apart from him did me good I think. I almost thought I was not in love with him anymore. But now I am in Japan doing a double-degree, and he is doing the exact same thing!! So I get to see him quite often, not as often as my heart wants, too often as my head advises. We never talk about my feelings for him, I wish we could. I mean he knows. Even though I never said a proper "I love you". I feel like seeing him his killing me, and stop seeing him would kill me too. He said to me that I am his best friend in Japan (in Japan? that does not even make sense to me...) He never wants to commit himself, to show affection. As if I am going to jump in his arms and kiss him. That's his worst fear. He likes me (cause I am understanding, supportive... ) but he is afraid of the all "love" situation and puts barriers between us. I love him but I hate his hypocrisy, his "mild" homophobia. So I am asking you: should I stop seeing him?

[brueges]

I think, given your history, you might want to discuss this with a therapist. This would be a major decision for you. Is this guy even gay? It's good to have relationships be on even terms and you definitely do not have that. You will probably never have that if he's straight and therefore not interested in you.

[4ever2gether]

I am not sure i am understanding, is he into men too? I can see he is a little freaked out when he thinks like your a bit too much if he isn't gay. but if he is, then he isn't a true friend....seems like he isn't attracted to you.

[lukeb]

From your post it is not at all clear if he even knows about your feelings for him, except for: "He recently confessed that he was feeling really uneasy, and thought things like: "what's up with this fag...?". Certainly there is no reciprocation no matter what the reason.

 

From what I can tell, yes you should probably stop seeing him, the friendship isn't on even ground and is doing you more harm than good.

[Evenstar]

Thank you all for your answers

 

brueges> He is not gay. So i am not hoping that we will be together one day. But despite all the problems we have, we are still good friends and enjoy spending time together. But this is maybe a very bad idea. Maybe i should stop this friendship, even though thinking about its end is painful.

 

4ever2gether> The situation is really complicated. We have a past and he has the right to be sceptical over the way i was behaving. And even though I was sick and now everything is different, he has built barriers and doesn't want to let them go which is harmful to our friendship. So maybe I should just stop trying (I mean trying to stay his friend, I repeat I am not trying to make him my boyfriend)

 

lukeb> He knows everything cause I tell him everything, which maybe I shouldn't. In any case, I am pretty sure this friendship will end after graduation, so why keep trying...? The life should be filled with happiness, and love as beautiful as it is, can be a poison.