friend's ex-beau creating obsession issues with her...

[Kary]

the overview i'm here for a friend. i've been searching for help topics online and have not found the right key words for search engines to find a direct topic of help for her.

 

i have been friends with her for about 2 years. in the beginning of our friendship, i noticed her boyfriend would abuse drinking at any chance. now i'm aware that he's an alcoholic and has done treatment, AA, etc. with no positive end in sight. she seemed to handle it fine and i didn't know her well enough to communicate personal feelings about this with her.

 

well, long story-sort-of-short: she has been cheated on about 30 times (for a fact) in the 4-year relationship and has acquired 3 stds--one that doesn't have a cure and also has been in the unfortunate situation of havign to be present with him for blood tests because two women have said he may be the father of their newborns (he's not, but it's an awful experience, i'm sure).

 

she loved him so much and tried so hard to help him and now with my help recently too--she has realized that no matter how much she cares for him and how much she wants a family, that it's not worth it. she's 37 now and just wants to settle down (divorced once, no children, civil breakup there).

 

so, she moved out of their apt. approx. 5 months ago, which went okay, but she was still "seeing" him. then she moved into her mother's, straightened her head out and now broke it off for good.

 

the problem he's obsessing. he's very emotional, aggressive and well, obsessed. he calls her cell once, she won't answer and i've been there to see at least 10-20 calls one after another. he finds us if we go out for just social chatting, he calls the business she owns and the PT job on the side that she has--so much now that her employees, partner, boss, co-workers are all questioning the issue of the obsessive calling. he'll call crying like a mad-man, begging for her to come back, begging for just a friendship (no way!) and the like.

 

it's over, but it's not. not for him. she has fully moved on now and has taken up a relationship that had been a friendship prior (the ex doesn't know--and won't the new one lives states away).

 

now he has a court hearing this morning in a different county for his 7th DUI/after revocation and of course he can't drive to it or catch a ride for that matter. she has consulted her new boyfriend and he's ok with her driving him to the hearing as long as i go with. of course i am.

 

i'm afraid for her. he has physically and obviously mentally harmed her in the past and is now practically stalking her. i've asked her why not threaten a restraining order, but she said he won't listen. she's right. also, his job is directly accross the street from her PT job, so i'm not sure even if she did get one if it could be in effect because they "have" to work so near each other. he is a desperate man and will litterally do anything to constantly attempt to get her back. he has not threatened her or himself with physical harm yet, but it may get to that point.

 

oh, another thing: he's relied on her for rides to and from work when it works for her because of his revocation--so now when he goes to hueber (jail with allowances to continue present job) or gets the bracelet, he's goign to be more obsessed with begging her to pick him up and drop him off.

 

it's just never ends with him and i feel like i have no more advice or solutions to help her. she's very cornered right now and i just want to help. is there anyone online tonight that could give me some help? one other thing: she's selling her business but it doesn't look too near in the future--she's going to move to where her current boyfriend lives. so for the time being, what can i do to help her so things don't get worse and also so she can just live in peace?!

[melrich]

As tough as it sounds I am not sure that you can do anything. If she won't take the issue to the police or the courts I don't see what else, within the law, could be done. It sounds like there would be no point in confronting this guy from what you say. And on that note, I do not think it would be wise for you to get directly involved. That sort of confrontation can be like a red rag to a bull for people like this...it becomes their excuse to take the obsession to the next level. I actually think from what you describe that your friend is playing it quite smart. She seems to be going out of her way not to aggravate him and keep him on side whilst at the same time planning her "break". She is probably seeing her move as the light at the end of the tunnel and is just keeping things steady until then.