Just need to get this out there...

[Maverick32x]

Okay, so I've written this a couple times, but always end up not posting it.. it just sounds so foolish I guess... but this is really bugging me beyond belief, and I feel like it would just be better to get it out there and let you guys give me your thoughts than just to have this bounce in my head all night...

 

OKAY, so lets start at the beginning (I hear this is the best place to start)

 

I've been at my place of employment for about a year and a half now... I've worked with this one girl since I've been there.. different area of the place and she was a supervisor so I didn't really talk to her/see her much outside of occasional small talk at first... I thought she was cute, but we didn't really talk much so thats about as far as I took it... fast forward a bit, I get a supervisor position and I'm pretty much her equal at the company... this is back in July... we start talking. hanging out.... and we actually have a lot in common!! (I'm sure you've all heard this before)

 

Well, the twist is that shes dating someone.. for the past couple years.. like 6 years!!! So I kind of back off a bit.. but probably not as much as I should.. we would go out for drinks after work, and go to the movies etc.. really "couply" sort of things.. but we didn't kiss, touch anything!! it was pretty innocent.. until one day I finally got the guts to kinda be like "hey, whats the deal with your boyfriend?" and I'll try to fast forward through this because it was a crisis that we got through.. but basically she ended up breaking up with him, and we started hanging out a bit more... started having sex etc...

 

Well, that lasted about 2 months.. pretty much the highpoint of our "relationship" and then out of nowhere she gave me the whole "I feel like this is getting too serious" (which it really wasn't) and she wanted us to just be friends? or something.. I really don't even remember it because it was so vague and so ridiculous that I just didn't know what was going on!!!

 

and I fell apart a bit.. its tough working with some girl that you REALLY like and she just kinda pulls the rug out from under you.. it was kind of whirlwind relationship of passion before all this... lots of "I really like you"s (more so coming from her which was the confusing part!!) and flirting non-stop..

 

Among all this chaos after this shady "break up" (which I at first attributed to a returning ex-bf)... Like an angel from heaven, this great new girl showed up a month after our "pseudo-breakup" to take my mind away.. really really stunningly beautiful, smart, hot.. everything I could ever want in a girl.... and as quickly as she came.. she told me that she wasn't quite "feeling the spark" anymore.. and we broke up...

 

and again, my mind is left wondering.. what is going on?!

 

While I was with this new girl, I ended up just not talking to the girl from work at all.. and its like these girls have a hidden camera on me or something, because not more than a week later, the girl from work was telling me how much she missed us being friends, and she wanted us to be.. friendly?

 

So I agreed and we re-started our little thing... this involved leaving work early to go get food and eat along the lake... watching movies late into the night in my room.. texting just about everyday.. hanging out at work.. meeting up during the weeknights... and of course we started having sex again...

 

However, no actual relationship at all... and see this is the thing that probably bugs me the most.. I'm good enough to have sex with.. to hang out with a bunch... to whisper sweet nothings in my ear all night... BUT- I'm not good enough to actually be in a "relationship" with...

 

The girl is a total flake... she makes plans haphazardly and breaks them ... At first I would ask "are we hanging out or not?" (since she had asked if I was free, and if I would hang out at a future time) but every single time she would have some excuse.. so I eventually just stopped asking... (yet she'll still toss out these invites- but not follow up)

 

But every once and awhile I get tossed some kind of scrape (we're going to a baseball game together wednesday- to which she already mentioned that I can just spend the night tuesday at her place) and I just don't get this girl!!!

 

Its like sometimes she really really is into me... wanting to see me, wanting to spend time with me.. and other times its like she could care less...

 

I play it cool.. I don't pressure her to hang out or anything.. but in the back of mind there is one question that is just gnawing at me.. "Where is this going"/"What is the point of all this?"

 

and this is the overall issue I guess... if she ran away because she thought things were getting "too serious"... than if I ask her these questions.. shes going to interpret that as "too serious" and run again.. OR I'm just her backup until someone that she really likes comes along.. which I know will hurt like hell if she pulls the rug AGAIN....

 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I'm not a total idiot.. and I have been open to the idea of dating other girls... however, its tough when you're stuck on some girl that will occasionally give you signs shes interested... and you'd rather be with her than any of the other girls that you've met!!!

 

But I guess the main thing I'm trying to drill in my head recently is that "if she really liked you- she would date you... due to the fact that she isn't interested in dating you- you're just the best she has right now..."

 

thoughts? this girl is destroying my mind on a daily basis....

 

 

[helloladies21]

"if she really liked you- she would date you...

Not exactly. She likes you (attraction) otherwise she wouldn't be having sex with you. But she doesn't respect you, that's why she takes you forgranted and brakes plans with you, broke things off with you, etc.

 

The thing with relationships is that it takes both for a girl to commit to a guy. In your case, since she doesn't respect you, you can expect that she will indeed string you along until she either finds someone else who lights her fire or tires of you. One of these two options is a complete certainty, you can count on it.

 

So what's the solution? Confront her. In a "matter of fact" manner, tell her that that you like her, but you need someone who's serious about you, otherwise you don't have the time to waste. So either she gets together with you and gives this a real shot, otherwise you're outta here. Then follow through, which means no FWB, no friends, being friendly, any of that.

 

Because when it comes to romantic relationships, you have to look out for yourself and your well being, no one else is going to do this for you. People will string you along, waste your time (not necessarily out of choice remember, so don't be mad at them for their lack of self-control), but it's up to you to prevent this from happening to you. You accomplish this by sticking up for yourself and what you believe you deserve and never accept anything less.

[adviseseeker]

I think you already know what this is all about! She needs some time to figure herself out, she broke up with a boyfriend of six years and that is really tough. She has probably been thinking about that relationship way more than the one you guy's have, yet she likes spending time with you nonetheless. She feels guilty for breaking up with him and doing things with you, and probably still has feelings for him too. I would probably speculate that she had been considering leaving their relationship and needed a push (ie. a nice attractive guy being interested in her) but that doesn't necessarily mean you're in the clear - she has feelings for you but obviously isn't ready and isn't sure yet.

 

I would leave it alone for a while, unless you feel like being a comfort to her while she gets over him or works things out with him...after six years I'd think it would take a while for her to be ready for a new relationship if they didn't work out anyway. It's not you. It's an unfortunate situation, and I would think twice before getting close to a woman who is in or just got out of a really long term serious relationship! Keep your options open.