A tin of worms i can't close & my journey so far!

[ebik]

So here I find myself once again...

 

Here is a quick run down (i'll try to sum it up briefly, appologies if this still ends up being a long one):

 

- I broke up with him after 4.5 year relationship (1st love from both sides)

- 3 days later he sleeps with a lady 11 years his senior who was going through a divorce at the time. (didnt find this out til later)

- I continue to live with him, sleep with him and sleep in same bed as him for about 2 weeks when i get my own place and move out.

- a month of NC, im doing well, feel strong enough to talk to him and try be friends. This ends in us sleeping together twice, and cuddling, kissing, everything that friends arent meant to do!

- I find out about the chick he slept with after confronting him and him telling me he "thinks he thinks he had sex with her"

- I walk out of his house, thrashed off in my car out his street and so begins NC for 6 mths.

- At first I feel a lot of animosity towards him, even as i feel myself heal, if i saw him at this stage i would spit on him.

- 3 mths of this and i decide to let go of the anger on NYE, so without that, i begin to think about just the good stuff and things i miss.

- Feb10 i go on a cruise that he was meant to come on with me. I go with a friend instead.

- he contacts me around this time. We txt and it feels ok.

- Mar10 as he had opened the door to contact, and the contact we had was ok, I dont feel so bad when i decide to txt him one day. As i am txting him i dont even know why i am, or what i wana say.

- Since then i have seen him about three times, he txts almost every day and we have chatted a bit on msn. all seems ok but still very confusing and hard.

- last time i see him, i decide that it was a bad idea to contact him. even if we were to have some conact, what we have been doing is too much. When he was over my house last time he was talking about how he had been at his mates ex gfs place all day (apparently with another girl too) she is 18 and he is 24. he says they are mates. i feel jealous. He aso gets a phone call from a girl while at my place he tells her he is at a mates place and will cal back later. he asks if she is on school holidays (how old is she?) i ask who it was, he says XXXX a girl he use to be friends with when we were dating, i had met her a few times. I feel jealous! so i decide that its too soon to deal with this. either way, even if there is nothing there it is still going to hurt to find out we have been seeing different people.

- i find out he had been to a mutural friends place yesterday. a couple who since the breakup i have got very close to. i consider them my best friends. he cut them off when we broke up. he hadnt seen them in 6 mths. now apparently him and the other guy are back pretty good friends again.

 

i feel like i have opened a tin of worms i cant close now.

i think the reason why i contacted him was coz i was feeling down, have been having a hard time with life, been a bit depressed. despite everything i still feel like he knows me better than anyone. i was vunerable. seeing him hasnt caused me to feel depressed, but it hasnt helped, it has probably made it worse! it was a mistake. i had high hopes we could be friends. but i dont know if that could ever happen.

i dont want him to see my friends but i have no control over it. i cant tell them or him not to see each other! i have opened the door to all of it and now i must deal with the consequences!

 

now i find myself feeling so alone. its almost winter here and those were the best times we had together. cuddling on the couch watching movies, listening to the rain. i feel lonely. i had been seeing another guy who was probably nothing more than a good distraction but it just didnt compare to what i had with my ex. i feel like i will never have that bond we shared with anyone again. i have become a closed person where i cant let guys get close to me. i keep them at a distance to prevent myself getting hurt. but that makes for what could end up a very lonely life!

 

appologies for long post, but if anyone is still reading... thanks.

[sidehop]

Could I ask why the breakup happened first of all?

[sidehop]

Okay, I read your original thread. You two basically fell out of love. You broke it off. The comfort and attachment is something you'll always miss until you are healed and ready to move on.

 

When humans are clueless especially after a breakup in a relationship it brings in a lot of fear, uncertain feelings, loneliness and the urge to get that person back. It's completely normal. Even if it's been six months or two years later.

 

If you were with him without the breakup happening, would you still be happy today? Chances are, you'd probably be miserable even if for that one moment you can be with him when things were perfect.

 

Do you ever feel that you're blaming yourself for breaking up with him? Is it possible that if such guilt is there you cannot forgive yourself and move on?

 

Personally if you two did try to save the relationship but couldn't, you did the right thing. It's a matter of accepting that truth and finding ways to move forward including keeping NC with him. I'm very sorry you're suffering but hope you find some inner peace and the path to move forward.

[ebik]

i wasnt happy with where it was going.

we drifted so far apart that i felt like we didnt know each other anymore.

he would rather smoke weed and play his playstation than spend time with me.

lack of comunication, physical and emotional intimacy.

[ebik]

Thanks sidehop.

 

Your right in that if i was still with him i would still be miserable.

after i broke up with him and got over the initial pain, started to feel i was healing and it felt good. i was almost on a high. i felt like i was loving life so much and it had changed for the better. i felt like i was a fun good person to be around.

 

Now its like that high has gone, and what goes up must come down, now i feel like i have slapped back to reality with a mightly thump!

 

the other night i witnessed the ex having what i can only describe as a complete mental breakdown! i would say him having a big night the night and then being drunk again had something to do with it, but a lot came out about how he was feeling. he was crying and yelling and saying how when i left him, he lost everything. he has lost his job coz he stopped caring and lost all his freinds but a few. he says he did this for me. he cut them off so i could have them and it would be easier for me! he was talking about suicide, how he wants to disapear. eventually he started feeling better, after getting it all out im guessing. then it just made me feel cr@p! i didnt know how to deal with what he was saying. how to process it. i said to him he must hate me but he said he cant hate me coz he loves me. that it hurts to see me but it also hurt not to see me. always wondering what i was doing, where i was going who i was seeing. he said i haunted his dreams.

its like he wants me to feel bad about him cutting off our friends. but even before we broke up he was not a good friend to them! i have been there the whole time, making an effort when he never has! i think it was easy to do NC and helped coz i never had to see him or hear about him.

Now if he starts hanging out with my friends again, it changes everything.

[sidehop]

You two had a relationship that didn't work out. As much as he may have been hurt being the dumpee, had one of you not taken any action, both of you would still be suffering. It's just the way it is, he may be taking this out on you now as much as he claims to love you.

 

I may be looking into it too far but how did he meet this woman that he supposedly slept with three days after the breakup? At a bar? It just sounds odd to me that he can just have sex with someone if he was so badly hurt and goes out with another woman in such short time.

[ebik]

no it was a friend of a friend. at a party which i was at too. everyone was pretty drunk. he disapeared with her i didnt even notice.

he didnt even like her, he thought she was annoing, old and yuk (his words to someone else).

i guess they were both just drunk, vunerable, going through the same thing. i dont know. i dont even care so much that it happened anymore. it was more about how he acted afterwards.

he put my health at risk. lyed to me, decieved me. had i not asked about it he probably never would have spoke of it again.

i think he is disgusted in himself, so he should be!

[sidehop]

I think you were much stronger emotionally and mentally through the whole phase. His friends, the upcoming winter and still feeling the void maybe making you feel empty inside, you didn't purposely go out to take out your emotion on someone else.

 

But he's a human also, you'll eventually have to let him go, forgive him and allow your heart to heal (part of self forgiveness) so you can love and be loved again.

[ebik]

i know but it is hard.

I thought i was doing so well before. now i feel i have regressed bad!

 

i know what i have to do but now it might be even harder to do that now that i have opened this tin of worms and made contact with him again!

 

lesson to all about NC!! stick with it!!!

 

i always wanted even in the end for us to be friends. its probably way too soon now anyway if it was to happen. but more to the point i should have made contact with him when i was fully healed and felt good about life and was happy. this wasnt the right time.

 

Now he probably thinks that i have been feeling bad lately coz i mis him or something. he must secretly love the fact that i am hurting and miss certain things about the relationship!

[rigguy]

Sounds like he is just taking it badly, that is all. It may be for the best but the amount of pain one can feel is incredible especially when disposed of. Can make any man crazy...