In a heavy numbness, 7 months later

[grieving]

Hi,

 

Haven't been in for a while - I've been dedicating my energies to trying to survive my breakup and learn to smile again.

 

We'd been keeping in touch afterwards; not more than 2 weeks have gone by without an email exchange or a phone call. It's been tough - he is so guarded where he used to be so open, so loving. And I just want to be in his life in some open, beautiful way, even if it isn't as his soulmate.

 

And he left me, ironically, and he acts as though its his heart that's all busted up.

 

And finally, for the first time since he dumped me in a divey cafe, he agreed to meet me for a walk in the park. We chatted under a gorgeous blue sky and caught up on quite a bit.

 

I came clean and told him how much I still loved him and that I'd like very much to try again - I figured it was dishonest pretending I didn't have feelings for him and us trying to be friends and all.

 

He appreciated my comments, I think but told me the same story all over again: he'll love me forever but his animating force isn't motivating him to come back to me. Not anytime soon, of course.

 

And he said how painful it was to see each other again, how it hurt him so much.

 

I'm so damn tired of trying to understand why he left me. Every cell in my body is suffused with a deep and overwhelming love that just percolates through every thought and in everything I see. It's as though he's behind my eyelids, still.

 

He loves me so much he can't reach out to me as a friend and he doesn't love me enough to come back.

 

And I wonder still what scheme of the universe would place a human heart in such an ugly paradox. It is as though the gods are playing he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not with my life.

 

Sigh. If anyone has ever felt this crappy about shamelessly loving an ambivalent ex-lover, write to me? And if you're a fiercely strong woman who can let go and never look back, will you send some advice? I used to be the latter but this boy has taken it all.

 

Love,

 

Me

[disEnchantid]

hey grieving!

how about a post from a waffler? haha...I'm not in love with him anymore, especially since i haven't heard one word from him since we broke up almost six months ago to the day. But am I a strong woman who has let go? eh, not quite. I waffle. One day I am totally cool, totally past, and another, I feel a little down, but generally the down-ness is due to the fact that I haven't met someone else yet, not cause I am pining for him anymore. I gave that up a long time ago when I realized I was only making a fool out of myself by continuing to grieve for someone who so clearly didn't care one bit about me or my feelings.

 

So yea, I am sure the continued contact has hindered your progress, but if you can find the inner strength to just finally stop communicating with him you might find yourself slowly starting to feel better and moving on. I know it's probably not new advice to you, but it really does work...it just takes time, patience, and the will and desire to pick yourself up and start over. make a clean break, you will thank yourself later.

 

feel free to pm or aim me anytime you need someone to talk to, or some support or encouragement

 

-disEnchantid

[tiger_lilies]

I still love my ex more than anything and I know that he loves me still today, but my ex has hurt me in the worst possible way. I've realized that my ex is still so immature in so many ways that even though we still love each other, I can never be with him again. Because all I feel besides the love is immense pain. Pain from his actions of immaturity. I realize that I can't change him. I can't make him grow up.

 

Your ex says he still loves you (which I'm sure he does) but he is unconsciencly playing with your emotions by telling you this and then saying that he doesn't want to work at the relationship. It's like teasing a cat with a toy. "Your close, but not close enough".

That's very cruel in my books.

 

The only way you can stop obsessing over him is to stop contact. "Out of sight, out of mind". You need to move on with your life. Be strong, I know you can do it. You are torturing yourself by keeping contact with him, and by telling him how you feel. He clearly does not want what you want. As soon as you realize this in your head and heart, then you will start the process of healing.

 

You've made it a more difficult road to travel on by remaining in contact with him. It will be hard of course, but it's the only way for you to stop the pain.

[bleeder]

Hi Grieving,

 

Breaking up was never designed to be easy. I sympathize with your loss for I am going through a massive loss myself.

 

The toughest thing about losing someone is that an integral part of our lives have been lost, as if a limb was gone or taken away. Learning to cope with that emptiness is something you would have to work on first. Understand that, as alone, there is still much happiness and joy you can discover in life. Do not mistake that yearning for companionship with that of you still loving your ex.

 

Since he chose to leave you, tell yourself that it is really his loss in the end. Contrary to popular belief, our feelings are not like a switch which we can choose to turn on or off as and when we please. Be patient with yourself for now and most of all, love yourself first.

 

Be well. 8)

[lisaria]

Hi grieving,

I am sorry you are hurting and I hope that you will take matters into your own hands really soon and stop talking to this jerk. I have been where you are and some days I am halfway where you are (if that makes any sense) just wondering and wanting him. BUT!!! I will not ever call him or email him again. I do not want to see him simply because I know that it would probaby kill my fragile frame of mind. I have worked damned hard to get to where I am emotionally and I will not let him take back that power that he once had over me.

Oh yeah. I've been weak, but not anymore. You have got to start the NO CONTACT rule if you ever want to feel better. When you see him and when you talk to him or hear from him you are simply pushing that knife in your heart just a little deeper and twisting it just a little harder. Stop doing that to yourself!!!! It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but you WILL do it. Why would you want to hear from someone who obviously does not care about you enough to stick around? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but like tigerlilies said he's being cruel. He has you waiting in the background just in case he decides that maybe he DOES want to be in a relationship or maybe he just misses the sex or the companionship or whatever it is that he thinks he wants at that minute or maybe he just can't find anyone else because trust me, he is looking. No matter what these dumpers say they ARE looking around. Ok, just my jaded opinion, and everyone will say, not my ex he's different, but I have seen it happen over and over again. But he's the one making all the decisions and it's your life that's being stomped on and played with.

I am stronger and getting that way more every day. You will too. Just give it time and leave him alone. The no contact is for you. Get busy and find other things to do. Find something that will occupy your mind and your body. A new hobby, exercise, write in a journal, go out with your friends, get up here and write, but do not contact him. It only hurts you.

This will be one of those things that will make you so very strong. We have things happen that teach us and they are always the lessons that hurt the most. I still am not sure what this lesson is supposed to teach me and until I figure that one out I am doomed to repeat it again. Any ideas anyone? It is hard, grieving, but you will get through it and you will be stronger. Just getting through it is the tough part.

So hang in there and if you feel like contacting him again get up here and contact us instead. We are all here for you. Good luck.

lisaria

[grieving]

Hi all,

 

Thanks guys.

 

I think it's hard for my friends to be objective about my ex and if they do have bad things to say about my ex, I guess I don't want to listen.

 

Your comments sort of shook me up and made me look at the situation again. I want so desperately to believe that it's different, dramatic and tortured, that it's not just some ordinary breakup. I don't want to think that my ex is just some silly confused guy who quit the love of his life when the going got a little (well, actually, very) tough.

 

It's hard, you all know that. I don't want to believe that my ex is a jerk or a mean guy or cruel. And I honestly do believe that he's just trying to do the right thing by being honest.

 

But, ultimately, because he won't communicate clearly to me, I have no idea what's going on in his head. None.

 

I should assume the worst for now - it'll probably help me move on. I've initiated no contact - I'm going on a week now! Let's see if the bastard notices that I'm not around anymore ....

 

And just a comment on his "loving me forever" crap: what's that going to do to his next relationship? I think you have to be pretty arrogant or just dumb to believe you can walk away from someone you feel that strongly about and not have it totally mess up your karma.

 

And thanks guys for being strong where I can't be.

 

Me

[spaceandtime]

Grieving,

 

You CAN be strong, but you have to actively take control of the situation now. No more walks in the park, no more discussions about getting back together, no more thinking about getting back together.

 

I broke up with my ex about 7 months ago as well and still think about her every day. But so much less now than I use to. Because I instigated No Contact a month after realising that each time we communicated it was just regress into a plethora of pain.

 

Yes, we WANT to believe that they feel as deeply as we do - but they ended it, so they didn't. And you have to try and remember that.

 

I posted something on break up forum entitled A HELPING HAND FOR THOSE IN PAIN. It was about how I got through the worst parts of the breakup. I hope it helps you.

 

Good luck sweety - and remember, EVERYONE here is here for you!

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