five months later and some lessons on karma

[gambitismyhomy]

I've hardly been on this site the past few months. And I only check up on the getting back together thread because sometimes it makes me feel better.

 

I'm at work right now but I can barely concentrate. I just felt like posting. It's been almost five months now since I last saw the boy I still love. I guess offically we've been broken up for 7 months, we briefly were together again in november but it was premature and he left me again, because well, nothing had changed, i flipped out and got insecure about something stupid and that was enough. I don't know, I don't want to go into it.

 

I still love this person with all my heart, and five months later, and two months of complete NC I'm not doing much better. It's gotten easier but not better. The only real difference now is that I can fake it when I go out with my friends, well not exactly. I do enjoy my life. I've gotten a new job, I quit smoking, I go out every weekend doing the things I love with my friends, but I can literally go out and have a great day with my friends and then come home and cry my eyes out before getting on with the rest of my night.

 

I guess I haven't actively tried to get over him because to be honest I don't want to. I still love him and miss him. And no matter how much he's hurt me by leaving, no matter what hurtful things he has said since the breakup I don't blame him at all. He's immature and did his fair share of things to bring about the end of our relationship but I didn't deserve him or his love. And I cry now not because I feel sorry for myself but mostly because I feel so awful for hurting him.

 

I would still like another chance because I've learned a lot about myself and about love with this breakup. I know it would be easier to move on and start over with someone new but I already love this person so much and he was my first love ( I know I'm kind of old to be going through my first real breakup). I guess I'm still hurting because I'm holding on and hoping for a chance to love him the way I should have the first time. But I really believe that I needed this, and that a lot of what I've been going through has opened my eyes, it's like I was amassing all this bad karma ( yeah, I started believing in karma too) and I feel like I'm finally putting my ego aside and taking the right steps to become a better person. And yes, in my heart I believe that he still loves me too, I only hope I haven't done too much damage and hurt him too much for him to ever want to try again.

 

So for now I'm being patient and following my heart like I should have been doing all along. I'm not really looking for advice or any sort of response to this. I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest, maybe because I'm lying to everyone else about how I really feel and it's just tiring. I'm so tired of acting happy to be set up with dates and tired of nodding my head as friends and family tell me how much better off I am without him. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine and that I'm over it, when no one knows I still cry my eyes out the moment I get home at night.

 

It just kills me to finally realize, too late, how awful I was being, how much he loved me and stood by me when I didn't appreciate him. That it took him leaving me for me to finally understand what I needed to change about myself. All I can do is continue to strive to be a better person, to keep up with being a non-smoker, to keep learning how to cook, to be patient, to love him unconditionally even though I don't know if it'll ever be returned in the way I'd like it to be. To love him without being able to tell him. To feel remorse for hurting him without being able to express it directly to him. So honey, I just want to send this out there, even though you'll never see it. I will always love you and I'm truley and deeply sorry for ever hurting you, for ever taking you and your love for granted. I hope one day you can get past everything, remember how much we once loved each other and forgive me.

[GenoGeno]

I took my ex's love for granted too, it'sa big killer and hopefully we don't make these mistakes again.

[yonanz]

same here..its NORMAL! dont be so hard on yourself OP! its normal that we all makes mistakes..esp early on in the first 1 or 2 r/s. just think about this. can u swim perfectly, or ride a bide perfectly on your first try? definitely not! We definitely took many tries to finally know how to swim or ride a bike well.

 

its easy to look back and lament over your mistakes. but it really takes a few tries and a few falls in order to learn. the same goes for relationships. u realize u have hurt him but its too late, u only realized it after its over. that's OK! u learn from this mistake, so next time with ur future partner u wont hurt him in the same manner again! ur looking back and of course things seem lamentable and regrettable. but thats how things go, u fall, u learn, and u move on. rmb - we are not perfect, in whatever things we do, we make msitakes in our first few attempts. its easy to look back now as an experienced swimmer how easy swimming is and how stupid those mistakes but at THAT Point of time when ur still learning its impossible not to make mistakes. tell me someone who took to a bike like a swan to a lake - able to balance a 2 wheel bicycle on his/her first try. theres no such thing.

 

so forgive yourself, get over the regret, and understand ur human and its ok to make mistakes, esp since he was your first love. learn from your mistakes. its not wrong to mae mistakes, but its absolutely unforgivable to make the same mistakes twice.

 

stay strong girl, u have our support!

[jenmar]

I feel the same way- I feel that I made a lot of mistakes in my most recent relationship and wanted a chance to show him that I changed.

He was willing to at first but then insisted that I wasn't going to change and it was going to be the same thing over and over.

its hurtful and frustrated that you cant fix something that you FEEL that you broke, however it takes two in a relationship.

 

all you can do is stop thinking about the what ifs. and move on.. move on to someone that is going to appreciate you and not leave when times get rough.