The Rebounder

[alexinter2003]

Hi, this is my little story for what I would appreciate some thoughts on.

 

Well, my partner and I we had been together for 4 years now. She got a kid which made it a bit difficult for me and us at the beginning.

We had had really good moments and got through some difficult challenges as any couple.

 

After 4 years and moving place 2 times and some hard times. While being in a new country I left for a trip. She felt abandoned and started meeting a new guy who turned to become in few weeks (while I was away) “the new guy”. Nice cheat.

As we were in a new place we did not know lots of people and that native guy started showing to her lots of places and meeting with his friends…

 

Obviously that allured her and kind of felt “in love” with it.

She always denied any sort of relationship but soon after I came back I found out.

When I came back she told me to be a part as she felt much more free while me being away… though I knew later she planned to live with that guy.

 

At first I went crazy as could not understand anything and blame it to him but she kept lying about it.

 

We spent the next 6 months in a kind of nightmare.

After I told her I knew it and that did want to work it out.

In those 6 months she came back twice. She recognized he was not for her and that wanted us to work it out.

But she was still seeing the other guy…as a mere “friend”.

That blew me off and did not help to our making it up. So she became really selfish in this as wanted the best of both worlds.

After 6 months when being together she told she would go to therapy to work out some issues and that she needed some time to see how would evolve…

Her issue was that she could not show me affection supposedly due an issue with me.

Few days later she was living with him.

 

I took it as she cheated me twice.

I got crazy again and could not understand it.

Our counsellor said she felt I was a more appropriate partner for her and her son but she had a crush (or being in love) with this new person as she was in the “honeymoon stage”.

 

After I found out she was living with him I talked to her to wish her the best and to give my blessing to her new relationship. Though I later admitted I would not mind if the guy died right away (feelings…).

She apologized for all ending in such a way and admitted being comfortable with the new situation.

 

A couple of days later she contacted me saying “you will understand”.

When we meet up I did not know what to say so I let her talk. She basically said she did not know she loved me or in which way she loved him. That she was confused. Did not want to give me hopes though.

That she did not want to have a relationship (although he was sleeping with her all days) and that that was more a friendship thing…with no commitment that could end up anytime.

She then dropped it, that she considered him more like a “temporary treatment” for her to recover. As she says “carpe diem” which is an expression I never heard from her in 4 years.

She admitted she did not have the love we had at the beginning of our relationship despite being a “fresh couple” and that she did not see herself spending her life with him but that one does not know what can expect from life.

Said was confused and help her to go through these hard times.

 

We ended up like that and a day or so later I contacted her to tell her I did not care about her new relationship. That I was not going to be there to help her fix it (WTH).

Then later apologized and that I did care about her but still said I cannot be friends in such situation.

 

To me it looks a really selfish person. I tried hard to improve things not only for me or her but for the kid I lived 3 years with and I regarded as a son.

I could never understand how frivolous and selfish and immature one can be by behaving how she behaves.

 

Then I took a step back and started something I should have done long ago. Doing a list of the cons of this person. In this way I took away the idealization and the pain started fading away.

 

Rationally I could never understand why she took the decision she took. And to me was/is a coward decision to take a shortcut to a rebound (as is how I consider it) rather than working things out…in what we both regarded a “one of a kind” relationship. We both made mistakes but we could have learnt from them and moved on even stronger.

 

I also analyzed her breaking up in previous relationships and seem to me they follow the pattern that when she is not or entirely happy or gets something out of it…she just leaves. Sometimes even regretting later.

 

I did my readings about rebounds and seem most of them do not work out though as always there are some exceptions.

 

The 15 years of difference, the socio-cultural background, the goals in life among other things I think they will set them a part. Although they may have some common issues that keep them together and enjoy the fun.

And that in part she is with him is because she does not know lots of people in this new city/country and might be nice for her to have some bunch of friends of her boyfriend to hang out with to feel a sense of relieve.

 

Started focusing on myself too !!

Learning from it and improving it whether the future may bring I understand would be beneficial.

 

Then I started reading these posts and taking a different approach to it. Much more objective.

I understood she is in a rebound.

That she seemed and probably is confused. And that it may be quite comfortable to have that guy as a “friend”.

 

I particularly got quite pissed at all this because I have been supporting this person for a long time and help her in lots of issues. I back her up during our last 1,5 years were she did not have a job and now when she got one and I do not have she just left without minimum remorse.

 

All this brings to me a couple of things I think are missing here in most of the posts I read.

To me was clear that a mature couple after all the challenges we went through was a pitty to spoil it all in the way it happened.

I also believe in loyalty and that sometimes are hard and sometimes are to enjoy but that couples who intent to have a long term relationship and commitment should stick to it.

Yes I did some mistakes. She too.

But whenever she had the minimum chance to get rid of me as she found her new “prince in a horse”…

 

And all this has given me 2 approaches:

-On the one hand what she has done by cheating and lying during all these months is the worse things one can do. And trying just to comfort oneself seems to me quite selfish basically is because she has a kid who she told him that relationship was “not serious”.

 

-On the other hand seems what she has done and she is doing is kind of conscious-unconscious female behaviour (no offence) in taking the more emotional approach rather than the more rational by taking a rebound and all the benefits can take from it.

 

But for what she told me last time seems she still somehow confused.

Though seems quite clear to me she does not want me in her life and she rather prefers a temporary band-aid (rebound) rather than facing the issues and working out a relationship she may feel as finished.

 

Obviously I went 2 weeks ago into a NC and start working for myself.

I realized how easy one can say “I love you” without meaning it just to get someone close (as she did to me twice probably because she was “needy”).

 

So my approach to that situation is, besides focusing on myself, just to see how things evolve.

She may start getting into a new guy or she may try once again (for 3rd time) to come back to me, but what I would pay more attention in case happens is the Values and Learning’s she got from it rather than the sweet words one can say without feeling them.

 

Well, that is my case.

Very much appreciated some thoughts on.

 

[MajorFailage]

I'm so sorry

Maybe she was confused. What did you do to her??

Did you call every night when you were gone?

I mean if she really loved you she would've tried to stay...

but on the other hand maybe she was trying to get your attention.

[alexinter2003]

thks,Well she complained she felt lonely...but the truth is that she started dating this new guy 3 -4 weeks after me leaving.

I hurted her in some ways i was not aware of...

So i think was a communication issue...

She told me she lost her love to me because she felt not been taken care of... but i think she started consciously-or-unconciously argumenting she falling in love by only seeing all the negatives in our relationship...

 

and that i think help her to get a new "in love" feeling with this new guy..

[MajorFailage]

Yeah I've been the rebounder and the rebounded so I know what you mean

[alexinter2003]

hi guys,

any insight on this pls?