Is it too late?

[czjnkn]

So it's been 20 days since I was last here. It's been 6 months since she left me. Besides directly after it happened, I've kept a lot of distance from her and very limited contact, mostly only in regard to money I owe her for furniture I decided to keep after the split.

 

I see her at the bar every once and awhile and she always comes and talks to me when she walks by. Granted it's only for a few minutes, she always asks me how I'm doing and tells me how fantastic she's doing. I'm sure it's just being friendly. Well as soon as she walked away the last time this occurred, my friend who was with me could see the look on my face. He immediately said "you still love her huh"? He decided to take it upon herself to go talk to her. He came back saying that she still cares about me, but it doesn't look like she wants to be with me. It basically sounds like she went off telling him all the things i did wrong, but did state something new I hadn't heard before. She apparently said, I never made a real attempt at getting back with her.

 

I have made attempts, but I suppose they weren't very in depth. I basically stopped trying very hard because I was always met with her saying that she couldn't or she didn't know, until I started hearing that she couldn't ever be with me again. I didn't want to make an attempt again until I knew I had resolved all the problems I had with myself and in life that came up in our relationship. Now that I'm at that point, I'm not sure if she's very receptive to hearing me.

 

I'd like to show her the changes. I know she will talk to me, but I believe she only wants to be friends. I was suppose to be giving her the rest of the money I owe her last week, but the mortgage I have coming didn't go through yet. It should be next week, but I'm not sure. She called when I was at work late one night and asked if she could come over and get the money and some mail that got sent here. The message seemed grumpy sounding, maybe because I told her I wanted to talk when she came over. Regardless, I called her back, but she didn't answer. I explained about the money and have heard nothing from her since.

 

I really just want to be able to take her out, so she can see I'm different and have made positive changes. I'm scared it's too late. I want to just send a text and see if she'll meet me for dinner some time next week. That way we can hang out and talk. She has said yes to these dinner before since we broke up and everyone has went fairly well. Should I try this, wait until I talk to her face to face, or just give up? I'm so lost lately. I miss her so much and want to be back with her more than anything.

[dre760]

As of right now the ball is in her court. You called her back and she didn't answer. She will be getting back to you sooner or later. So if your planning on asking her to dinner or something, don't do that until she calls you back and you guys arrange your whole financial situation going right now.

 

I do not know what she means when she said that you never made a real attempt to get back with her. But I would not look at this as any sort of hope at all. Always expect the worse as a dumpee, that way things can only turn out better then expected. =)

 

During the meet up to deal with the financial situation, just play it cool like you have been. I wouldn't do anything different just yet. After the whole financial thing is settled, I'd post back here with an update. See if you notice anything different in the way she acts compared to your previous talks.

 

I wouldn't recommend going for dinner just yet. Dinner is a date and dumpers do not want to go on a date with their ex if they don't want them back or if they are not sure what they want (hopefully this is the case for you). You two should be having small get togethers before you start going on dates. Go get coffee together or go get ice cream or something. When you tell your ex you want to take her to dinner, this will usually puts a bad image in her head and she won't want to because they don't want to give you false hope or give you mixed signals. She still might say yes because she doesn't want to hurt you or she just doesn't know how to say no. But taking her out to dinner when she really doesn't want to, is only going to push her further away.

[czjnkn]

Well, I actually just said dinner because of how well things went before when we had dinner. It was about 2 months after the breakup when she was still in the "i'm not sure what I want" phase and she still came and we had good meetings both times.

 

My first inclination was to text her and see if she wasn't busy to see if she'd like to come over and hang out. I was originally going to say to come over and watch a movie, but that could be construed as a situation she might not want to be in. I figure we could just sit around and be comfortable, watch tv, and talk or something. I'd say we could also discuss all the financial things too and make sure we get it in order. I keep about sending her a text right now and asking if she'd like to hang out next week.

 

I just read a letter she wrote back to me, just after we broke up. She seemed in the 3 letters she did write, that she wanted to make this work in the future. I want that to come true more than anything.

[dre760]

Do not send her a text! As I said before, the ball is in her court and you shouldn't be doing anything until she gets back to you.

 

I am sorry to say it but dumpers very rarely go through the "Im not sure what I want stage" for 2 months after the breakup! They are in that stage for a month or a week or so before they breakup with you. They had plenty of time to make their decision. They thought it out over and over and over again. They are sure what they want or else they would never have dumped us! Then alot of times they will string you along after a breakup and make you think they still arn't sure. And us dumpees are looking for any signs of hope all the time. This is why NC is the best thing you can do in dealing with a breakup.

[czjnkn]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the input. However, I just realized that all advice on my issues have been the same for the last 6 months. Everything I read says to do the same thing and it's gotten me nowhere.

 

Being out of contact hasn't really done any good for me. Taking the time alone to work out issues was needed, but once I got those issues in order, I should've started back in low contact. She's not like normal girls, that's why I've always found it hard to deal with issues we have because she does not expect the same things other girls I have dated expect. So why have I been trying methods of getting her back that work with normal girls? She isn't playing a game, she isn't stringing me along, etc. She's being real and honest, just like she always does. She has a wall up to keep herself from getting hurt and instead of working on breaking that wall down, I've been slamming into it and giving up at first sign of failure.

 

I'm ready to start breaking it down. A lot of time has passed and I can only hope that I'm not too late. I'm going to do whatever is necessary to get another chance and she the positive changes that I've strived for and made. I know there's going to be failure at the beginning, but this time I'm not going to just back away. I think that's what she really needs to see. Tomorrow is the first day that I take action on regaining what I lost and getting my life back!

[dre760]

Before you make any moves. Get some advice from someone else. Acting based on emotions never work and you always regret it. Wait to see what other people say before doing anything.

[minou]

The blanket NC rule for all situations is totally wrong. Every situation is different. If she feels like you never tried to get her back, listen to that. Go get her. Be honest and open. Twice this weekend I read about female dumpers who wanted the guy to come after them. What do you have to lose? Just make sure you do it in a way that is dignified and true to yourself.

[czjnkn]

I think part of my problem was always listening to other people, rather than my own feelings. I really won't have anything else to lose if I go for this. We haven't really been talking anyway or seeing each other anyway. It's going to be my final last ditch effort. At least I'll be able to say I put forth a true effort.

[Lastchallenge]

If u can put the effort and deal witg the possibility of being rejected n set back do it! But only if u are sure and know what u want....

[czjnkn]

Yes, I feel that I will immediately be met with rejection, but I think that's the wall she has up that has to be broken down. I know she's still at odd's with some things that happened at the end of the relationship. She's brought it up every time I've tried to make a move toward reconciliation in the past. I think I just have to push through that until I almost have to force her to see the changes and hope that eventually it leads to a chance.

 

If it doesn't work out, nothing will be any different than it is now.

[nomad0792]

Well, I wish you the best my friend, but what exactly did you do that deserved being dumped?

 

I just hope she's not playing you or placing some of the guilt on you. In other words, she says you didn't really try to get her back, so she doesn't have to take on the full weight of the dumper. Really ask yourself, did you really try to win her back and she just wasn't receptive? OR did you half-ass it and she thought you didn't love her? Just be careful...cos by saying u didn't try hard enough can be a cop out on her part.

 

Good luck man!