I'm feeling guilty.

[Her Lady]

After 3 years of an off and on again relationship, my ex and I decided to give it another go. She moved in with me, everything was fine, just the usual bumps, highs and lows of any relationship. Overall I thought we were doing pretty good. We support one another's dreams and aspirations, the sex is dynamite, the physical attraction is there, we're compatible in virtually every way mentally with the same outlook on life and love. I've always thought this woman was perfect for me but she has one character flaw I just can't get past or accept.

 

She's a liar.

 

This is the reason our relationship was off and on. It's usually harmless lies but what lies are really harmless? They all affect your level of trust even if they're not life altering. Some of these lies were more serious and very damaging, which is why we split for over a year. During that year we stayed in touch, as friends and eventually worked our way back together.

 

The first few months went by uneventful and I was hopeful that it was really behind her. Then, I called her one day and her phone picked up (in her pocket). I couldn't believe I was hearing the words. It was her voice but I just couldn't believe the things she was saying. The lies she was telling wasn't harmful to me or our relationship per se but I knew that she hadn't changed. I confronted her, we discussed it and I hoped that was the end of it but in my heart, I couldn't really let it go. I became much more observant of her, questioning and suspicious.

 

I kept catching her in small lies but they feel huge because of the history. I tried not to allow them to pile on top of one another but I just could not separate them, they became a huge snowball instead of individual incidents. Until one day my suspicion got the better of me, I broke my own standards and read her journal, email and postal mail. What I found was heartbreaking because it was everything I was afraid it was going to be. I was livid but left with the shame of having broke trust myself. I couldn't let it go though and I confronted her.

 

She never even bothered to ask how I knew things, she just confessed and tried a weak apology. I told her it wasn't enough and that I see no change in her and that I refuse to live like this forever. She can't stop and I will not lower my expectations to live with it. It's a very basic, foundational ingredient of a relationship. I ended it.

 

Since then she has started sleeping in the room we remodeled for her workshop. I'm standing my ground but she will won't do much but sleep. Barely eating, won't go out anywhere but to the restroom. Since love is not water, I can't just turn it off and I'm still concerned so I tried to talk with her. She just cried and begged for another chance. I feel myself getting weak, feeling bad because she's so sad. I know I did the right thing and I told her that I forgive her but I won't allow it anymore. I can't accept it.

 

I don't necessarily want her to move for more than just financial reasons. I can't condone the behavior anymore but I don't really want to let her go. I am still in love with her.

 

I'm so confused.

[Staple]

Let go of her, they won't stop lying, trust me.

[Kahdeksan]

I don't know if there are services that provide psychological counseling for free where you're situated, which could help with her pathological ways, but have you given consideration to that?

 

Maybe get her to go and see a specialist? It's clear you still love her and I would hope she'd love you back enough to make this change. Not to prove it to you, but more importantly to herself.

 

Straying away from a life of lying is a very hard habit to break...

[Her Lady]

I don't know if there are services that provide psychological counseling for free where you're situated, which could help with her pathological ways, but have you given consideration to that?

 

Maybe get her to go and see a specialist? It's clear you still love her and I would hope she'd love you back enough to make this change. Not to prove it to you, but more importantly to herself.

 

Straying away from a life of lying is a very hard habit to break...

 

I know that I didn't include it in my original post but we've touched on the potential of her getting help. Probably 8 out of 10 incidents she's cried and vowed to get help but she has never followed through. Once she even LIED and said that she was going to meetings and of course was not. She was going to the park or something. I just don't know what to do. I honestly think I've tried every avenue to keep this relationship. I don't want it to end because otherwise things are good. But how can I overlook such a fundamental part of a relationship.

[Kahdeksan]

Sometimes all it takes is the reality of loosing someone to really get us on our feet. What I feel is that she's grown too dependent on you always being there for her, and that she knows she can always fall back on you.

 

The daunting fear of loosing this dependency might be just what she needs... So, in other words, if you love her can you let her go? And perhaps hope that she'll come to her senses?

 

I also suppose the two of you have had talks about an ultimatum of sort, which would have lead to the initial break up? Also of note, has she by any chance got a dependency on drugs or alcohol?

 

About therapy though, she might need more than just attendance, she'll need lots of support and understanding, you have the 'love' covered in this regard. It may be that her issues stem from her deep childhood experiences.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Pathological lying is a realtionship destroying addiction like gambling, sex addiction, alcoholism etc. As is typical when someone tries to end a relationship with someone prone to these other addictions, the person doesn't want to let go of the relationship but also doesn't want to let go of their addiction. Right now she is doing the "woe is me" act..but remember she is a liar, so this whole depression thing can just be for your consumption to wear you down. I wouldn't trust her sincerity...remember, she is a pathological liar. She needs help...and you need to walk out of her life regardless of how much she tries to tug at your heartstrings. You need to protect yourself. Chances are she won't change. Chances are she will find another relationship and will continue to lie in that one as well.

[Her Lady]

Pathological lying is a realtionship destroying addiction like gambling, sex addiction, alcoholism etc. As is typical when someone tries to end a relationship with someone prone to these other addictions, the person doesn't want to let go of the relationship but also doesn't want to let go of their addiction. Right now she is doing the "woe is me" act..but remember she is a liar, so this whole depression thing can just be for your consumption to wear you down. I wouldn't trust her sincerity...remember, she is a pathological liar. She needs help...and you need to walk out of her life regardless of how much she tries to tug at your heartstrings. You need to protect yourself. Chances are she won't change. Chances are she will find another relationship and will continue to lie in that one as well.

 

 

As painful as it is to admit, I think you're right. My heart tells me the same thing but I'm selfish as well. I love her and that makes it hard for me to let her go (for my own selfish reasons; love). After previous incidents we talked, I know that she had a horrible childhood and has strong hatred and resent for her mother. Initially, it made things tolerable and I'd feel badly, accept them as her excuse and stay. But I notice that these feelings of rage, tears and hatred only surface when things are going bad. When she has to face consequences for her actions, she brings them up and I feel it's to garner sympathy. I feel emotionally raped, blackmailed and manipulated by them. She swears it's not intentional then she goes on this tangent of berating, ridiculing and putting herself down; she's gone so far as to physically assault herself. I feel stuck by love, my own guilt and the guilt that she gives me. Guilt is something I don't know how to deal with.

 

I know that she's lied in other relationships because she's a talker. Being talkative and a liar doesn't mix well; you end up contradicting yourself. I've caught her in numerous lies that way as well. Today she said that she wants to change but she doesn't, then went on a tangent about her mother again, complete with tears, but I found my heart a little hardened then it used to be and it just didn't affect me.

 

I guess I'm just using the forum for a place to vent and get some positive feedback. I welcome and appreciate any feedback/advice.

[violetka]

I thought everybody lies ...I have never met someone who is completely honest... as long as it is not something that concerns the relationship, why dont you leave her alone?