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Help me interpret this...


artsman1

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So, it's a long story but: last February, I broke up with my ex due to severe depression and a myriad of other issues in my life that I was dealing with at the time. We worked together at the time and it was an emotional breakup. I was upfront about it with her, said that I couldn't be in a relationship since I was so unstable, and said that if I could get over my depression, I'd really like to reconcile in the future. She was heartbroken, as we had been best friends prior to this and she had had a huge crush on me for a while (and I had a crush on her too). It honestly was just bad timing with what was going on in my life. But we left it at that, and things were never the same for a while.

 

2 weeks after we broke up, she started dating someone else. At the time, she was bringing him by the office where we worked, right in front of me. I was so upset, as well as dealing with my own issues, that I had no desire to talk to her anymore. We ended out tenures at the job in April and basically didn't talk for 2 months. In July, we were at a house party, and I got really drunk. When I was in the bathroom, she came to take care of me and we had the first discussion we'd had in months, and she said that she thought I didn't want to talk to her (which was only kind of true - I did miss talking to her, even though I was still upset with how fast she had "replaced" me). After that, we only talked sporadically as we saw each other for the rest of the summer.

 

As fall hit, we only talked occasionally but were friendly, even though I wouldn't call us friends. We have a lot of mutual friends between groups, so we still saw each other a lot. We kind of started re-warming up to each other again slowly over the fall and talking more and more, and laughing with each other again.

 

In January 2010, we were both at a conference. At one of the pub nights, we were both there and ended up alone. I told her that I really missed talking with her and that I'd really like if we could ACTUALLY be friends again (because we'd said we would be friends before, but we weren't actually friends). She said that she'd like this.

 

Since then, it's basically been back to how it was before - almost like best friends again and chatting a lot. She re-added me on chat, and we've talked quite a bit on there (and both of us initiate).

 

Now basically, what I need to ask about is this: about 2 weeks ago, there was a big party amongst mutual friends groups. We both stayed and she got very drunk (I didn't.) I should note at this point that she's still with the same guy she started dating immediately after me. I should also note that she has a tendency when drunk to say things and express feelings that are on her mind, but that she's too afraid normally to express. We're both chatting with each other, and then she leans in and says in my ear, "Do you ever regret that we dated?" It was totally unexpected and kind of out of the blue. I said, "Not for a second. I regret how it ended." Then she essentially told me that she was happy that we could talk again.

 

Then, as she got drunker, she started resting her head on my shoulder and kind of grabbing my arm. I was initially a little weirded out, but it was nothing that I wouldn't let a friend do. Then she says, "Thanks for all that you've done for me, you're really great." I just say, "You're welcome, any time." But then as I go to leave down the elevator, she gives me this look - you know, one of those looks that you can tell means something. It was the same look she use to give me when we were dating.

 

Perhaps I'm reading into this too much, but does this mean something? I realize that she still has a boyfriend (and I would never encroach on this) -- but the first time we started dating, she was going out with someone long-term who she was unhappy with, and we basically started talking and realized we both liked each other, and went from there. I'm at the point now where I'm happy either way (which I think is the best place to be). But I've had 2 relationships between when we broke up and she's the one girl who I've always thought about on and off over the past year. I'm not sure if this is a sign that she's interested again, but she's basically acting towards me the same way she did before we started dating for the first time. Anyways, I'd be open about getting back together for her (though obviously, this isn't on the radar right now since she's dating someone). What should I do? I worry about discussing this with her because I don't want to make things awkward again since our relationship is vastly improved now, but at the same time, if she's sending me signals, I wouldn't want to ignore them. The other thing is, I'm travelling to Europe for part of the summer to live with a mutual friend, and she's going to be coming to live with us for a week. So I'm not entirely sure if I should bring it up now, then, or never...or wait for further signs (which she tends to give only when drunk). Anyways, any help would be appreciated.

 

artsman1

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Alright first off let me just say that this is a really tough situation that your in. Since you are the dumper, you should be the one to come back to her and be coming out with all your feelings. But she is dating someone so I think this is out of the picture. The fact that she only comes on to you when shes drunk seems to be kinda common with girls. From my friends in the past, I have noticed that drunk feelings are definitely a sign that she still cares, but since there only coming out when shes drunk, this makes me think she is scared to show anything when shes sober. Not showing signs should be common for the dumpee since there is absolutely nothing a dumpee can do to get someone back.

 

Considering your situation, I think you should hold back on coming out with your feelings towards her unless she breaks up with her current boyfriend. Play it cool for now. Try and hang out with her and kind of hint that your interested but don't come all out with it. If she still loves you, and you guys are still hanging out a lot, then her relationship with ehr current boyfriend will fail sooner or later. You just got to play the waiting game and as I said before, see if you can give little hints at what your feeling towards to see if you can speed up the process a little.

 

If nothing happens soon, I'd say just wait til summer when she's going to be living with you. If she's holding back feelings for you, the odds are they will come out then.

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Thanks for the advice. I should mention that back last May, after we'd been broken up for about 2 months and she was dating the new guy, I did send her a message telling her how I felt and that I did want her back (I had pretty much kicked my depression by then). At the time, I got no response, which wasn't surprising since it was only 2 months after an emotional breakup and she had a new boyfriend. But I definitely did let her know how I felt.

 

I'm not getting my hopes up, but it does seem like I may have a chance here (particularly after it seemed like she was snuggling up to me that night).

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Im sorry to say that I didnt see too many signals there?

 

I mean she was close to you when she was drunk....I wouldnt read too much into things

 

Keep it on a friendly level and see where it takes you. I dont recommend bringing up any conversation that might hint that you are interested

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It was mostly the look for me that was it. The leaning against my shoulder was nothing. But she had never given me a look like that since we were in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. It was one of those right-in-the-eye, longing looks that seemed to have something behind it. Anyways, maybe I'm reading into it too much, and I hadn't planned on saying anything.

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The other thing I should note is that this is the kind of girl who keeps her feelings to herself and always has a boyfriend. Not that this bothers me, but before we started dating, she was in a long-term relationship for 2 years that had all but fizzled, yet she didn't break up with the guy until we started talking and realized we liked each other. She later confided in me that she had had a crush on me for 6 months prior to us actually getting together - despite this, and the fact that she knew I was single, she stayed in an unhappy, long-term, long-distance relationship. This is why, just knowing her personality, that I took this as some kind of sign that she still might like me.

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... always has a boyfriend. Not that this bothers me, but before we started dating, she was in a long-term relationship for 2 years ... she didn't break up with the guy until we started talking and realized we liked each other.

 

So you are into cheating girls who treat you like crap who are into using their current boyfriends until a new one comes along?

 

She later confided in me that she had had a crush on me for 6 months prior to us actually getting together

 

And you are okay with the fact that she did the same thing to you?

 

despite this, and the fact that she knew I was single, she stayed in an unhappy, long-term, long-distance relationship.

 

Making another man unhappy and hurt because of her needing to be with men consistently without fail.

 

Hun, you need to figure out why this type of woman attracts you. She is... skanky, or at the very least, immature.

 

Women worthy of a man do not run from man-to-man-to-man-to ... especially while in a relationship.

 

Yuck!?

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I do see your point, but just to clarify...she's not skanky. She's a complete sweetheart, in every sense of the word. It's not like she sleeps around or anything. However, she seems to have a habit of being in consecutive long-term relationships though, without much time staying single. I chalk this up more to the fact that she has low self-esteem more than anything else. I don't think I'm attracted particularly to this type of person (I've never been attracted to others like this), it's just this girl. I'm not sure why, I've just never clicked with anyone like that before.

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I do see your point, but just to clarify...she's not skanky.

 

Angelina is a sweetheart (and skanky). I have no doubt that woman loves her kids and loves her man... but she is skanky.

 

Anyone who does not take time for themselves after a relationship, doesn't take the time to figure out why that one did not work, and WORSE, jumps into an emotional relationship with another person before physically extricating themselves from their current relationship, is a skanky individual.

 

In men, we call them pigs, and players.

 

In women, we call them skanky.

 

And right now, you are her means to be skanky with her current guy. do you want to be *that* man?

 

really? Because if she did it to you once, she'll do it to you again.

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