How can I end this abusive and manipulating relationship?

[ted89blue]

Hi, I am a 23 year old male who is currently dating a 19 year old female. I've come to a breaking point with our relationship, as she tries to control my life completely. She does this by threatening suicide and self harm to get what she wants, and I end up giving in because it scares me. But I know it is very unhealthy and unfair to me, and I need to end it. But I fear when I go to end it she will threaten suicide again, and I don't know for sure if she would actually carry it out. But I don't want to risk it. I think she needs help but I don't know how to get it for her as I know if I talked about it with her she would get very angry. I need to end this relationship but I don't want her to hurt or kill herself.

[greensleeves]

This is very manipulative and selfish behaviour on her part and you can't possibly stay with someone because they are threatening suicide. If she does it again, tell her you will be contacting her family and or the nearest hospital about her threats and then follow through with it. Don't let another day of your life go by with this person.

[ted89blue]

I have told her before when it happened that I would call 911 if she threatened that but she then said she'd tell the cops that I hit her. I never laid a hand on her.

[greensleeves]

That's unbelievable behaviour. I would just walk away and not be alone with her again so that she's not able to accuse you of hitting her. She sounds very unbalanced.

[H20]

Good grief. I'd try to record her somehow..or like G.S said, just NEVER be alone with her. If you break up with her, do it over the phone , with a witness present, so she cannot say you were with her.

[greensleeves]

I just read part of your other thread about her cutting herself and sending you the photos....save them. That way if she ever accuses you of hitting her, you'll have evidence of her mental state. You REALLY need to get away from this woman.

[rustyschackelf]

Next time you try to break up with her and she threatens suicide, tell her that nothing she says is going to change your mind. Make sure your point is clearly made and she knows that the relationship is officially over, then immediately leave no matter what she says or does, and never talk to her again. Odds are she won't kill herself. Most people who threaten suicide have no intention of actually going through with it, its just a form of manipulation and attention-seeking behavior. People who actually want to kill themselves just do it, and usually nobody hears about it until its too late. You may consider alerting her family of your plan beforehand so they can keep an eye on her after you break up with her. But if she actually does kill herself, than she is beyond help and there was nothing anybody could do for her, totally not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[greensleeves]

I agree with your post except the bolded part. It's actually a common myth that people who are going to commit suicide don't talk about it...they often do talk about it and sometimes at great length and detail. In this case though, I don't believe she's serious..she's manipulative. Even if she is serious, it isn't the OPs duty to give up his own well being by staying with someone that he doesn't love and who is so unbalanced. There are other people that can help her and you're absolutely right that he should consider contacting her family prior to the breakup.

[nutbrownhare]

When someone threatened to commit suicide if I ended the relationship, I told him that if his life without me would be that bad, then I'd respect his decision. Then I ended it. I did contact a friend of his to keep an eye on him just in case.

 

It's not an easy thing to do, I know, but you are not doing this girl any favours by allowing her to manipulate you like this. The more she thinks she'll get her own way by self-harming, the more she's likely to self-harm and so on. Sometimes people who attempt suicide as a way of punishing or controlling others can do themselves a lot of harm, or even end up dying as a result of their actions - when this was not their primary intention.

 

If she did attempt suicide if you finish the relationship, it may ironically bring her the very help she needs.