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[Psych]

Hey guys. It has been a while since I have posted about my story. I think the last time was right before the ol’ “Reunion Date.” Below is my update. Guidance is appreciated.

 

The reunion date seemed to go well, and ended with a short conversation and a kiss. Basically he just repeated the things he said on Facebook (missed me, made a mistake, still loves me, etc), and said that he thinks he has grown a lot over the past few months. I asked if he actually thinks I’m selfish because I didn’t watch kung fu with him (yes, kung fu. See my breakup thread). He said no, I’m not selfish, and that was just breakup-speech filler, or something to that effect. We agreed that we both need to work on communication, and should take things slow. Since then, we have been seeing each other a few times a week. We hang out, and make out, but haven’t talked about it since. This was a month ago.

 

In my mind, it seems backwards that I, the dumpee, should have to put in the effort to start these conversations. But, since he seems to be slipping comfortably back into old habits and I’m still bothered by the breakup, it seems I will have to speak up about it soon-- especially since he has said he loves me a couple of times and I haven't been able to to say it back. That seems to damage things in itself.

 

I want to ask him what the real reason(s) is/were for the breakup. Are there any thoughts on good/bad ways to go about this?

 

How do you work towards getting the trust back?

 

Any other comments or advice on my situation?

 

Thanks everyone.

[JBaker]

The best way to bring it up is to just be upfront about it. Call him and tell him that you would like to meet up specifically to discuss the breakup; what has changed; and what you each expect from moving forward toward a relationship. That is, if you want to discuss these things at all.

 

Another option is to just let those things go. Forget about them. Treat this as a brand new relationship. He came back, so obviously whatever was bothering him has been resolved, or is less of an issue now. You let him come back, so obviously you want to be with him, too. You can just let things progress naturally as if you were just getting together with a new person. This is what I would personally recommend.

 

Ask yourself these questions: Would knowing his reasons for the split strengthen your relationship? Would knowing make you feel any better about things now? What is it exactly that you hope to gain from knowing his reasons for the breakup?

[Psych]

Thanks for your quick response, JBaker!

 

Although your recommendation of just letting it go sounds nice in theory, I have tried that before with a different guy and learned the VERY hard way that it doesn't work for me. I never got over the breakup, and it kept eating away at me to eventually cause a very bad final breakup. Maybe just letting it go would work for me after the breakup mess is cleaned up.

 

When my current ex dumped me and gave his reasons, he covered pretty much everything under the sun, including kung fu. Therefore, I think a lot of that had to be filler, but I don't know exactly which parts. I have a theory or two, but if I go through this "new" relationship believing my theory and never confirming it, I can see it turning out to be wrong and ending very badly again. There is also the possibility that the issues have not been resolved/reduced at all. Maybe he just thinks he wants me back right now because I have lost weight, and had a makeover with professional modelling pics published on a popular local website. Possible fear that I'll meet someone else before he does?

 

What I hope to gain is some insight into what actually went wrong as opposed to what I think/want to be true. Also, I think it would give me a better understanding about what he wants/expects in a relationship. We never really discussed that before. I need to know that he's sure he wants me, and not for some superficial reason.

[JBaker]

I understand your reasoning. Are you sure that knowing will actually help you to get over the initial breakup though? He already gave you a number of reasons. It is possible that all of them played a role in his decision. It is more likely that the smaller reasons, what you call "filler" were things that he came up with to justify his decision to himself much later after the break. Either way, they are still significant enough for you to note and pay attention to in the new relationship.

 

The reason I ask if knowing will help you is because the reasons he did provide were not enough for you before. Chances are, the discussion will be a rehashing of the same things he told you before. Could you not go off of those reasons and try to work through them yourself?

 

From your second post it sounds like you want to know why he came back more than/as much as why he left?

 

I still think it is a better idea to enjoy the new relationship as it is now. This is how it went with me and my ex when we got back together years ago. But I understand that your situation and personality may be different from mine. If you find it difficult to let things go then you might be right to talk it out with him before you let it build up. I just worry that you might not get the answers that allow you to put it behind you. That is something you will have to find within yourself.