Ms. personality

[eggplant47]

I have an unusual problem with friend I'll call Lynn. We've been friends for a long time and recently Lynn has started to come into contact with my friends and family members through things like Christmas parties & my wedding. My problem? I feel like she's hi-jacking my life! Shortly after any party she attends she'll mention that she is now texting, calling or hanging out with someone else I'm close to. She's done this with my other friends, my Aunts, my brother, co-workers & even my younger cousins. The first couple times it happened it didn't bother me... but now it's starting to make me really uncomfortable.

 

I feel like I don't have any privacy anymore! Every family has dirty laundry... and I used to be able to escape the family drama and confide in my friends knowing they'd be on my side no matter what. Now, Lynn has her own perspective she shares with the group and she kinda dismisses what I have to say. To make matters worse, she is more approving than I of certain behavior my teen-age cousins egage in (heavy drinking, one night stands). As a result, they now tell her things they don't tell me. So Lynn ends up filling me in on my OWN family gossip and I'm left feeling like I'm standing on the outside.

 

The strange thing is, she's actually very private about her own social life. I almost never meet her boyfriends or other friends. She even dated my brother briefly and sorta forbid me to ask either of them about it.

 

I know I have no right to tell her who she can be friends with... but shouldn't there be some boundries here?? Isn't it at least a little unusual that my 30 yr. old friend is going out to dinner with my teenage cousins and chatting at night with my 50 year old Auntie?

 

I used to enjoy having a few separate circles I socialized in, but now that Lynn's invaded them all... I feel smothered and like I have no outlet. My friends and family are part of MY life, part of what make ME unique. I tried to hint to her that this was all making me uncomfortable but she didn't seem to care much. It's left me feeling sort of disrespected and resentful.

 

Is it worth talking to her & telling her how I feel? Do I even have a right to be upset about this? Or should I just accept that she's free to do what she wants and hand over what's left of my contact list?

[d24]

If it's making you feel uncomfortable the only thing you can do is ask her to back off a bit. Good luck with that though because it's not going to be an easy thing to do/ask/request. I totally understand why this would make you (or 99% of the people here) feel very uncomfortable.

 

Reminds me of a film I saw once when 'the friend' was doing this to learn more about her, because she was secretly in love with her and wanted to knit their lives together more. I know it's a long shot, but you said you've never met any of her boyfriends, and she is trying really hard to become a bigger part of your life... so.... you know.....? Thought I'd throw that out there...

[Sabina K.]

I think that your friend is jealous of you. I would suggest looking into her family history and also her social life, to see hints of what would make her feel that way. By doing what she does, she's also becoming very competitive with you, so she might be a "toxic" friend to begin with.

I had the same experience when I was younger in college. A friend of mine, an only child and also an attention seeker, had grown up to believe that she was the center of the universe. She would become very competitive with her female friends and she would always have to be the center of attention. Deep down she was really insecure, but she managed to alienate me when a. she slept with my boyfriend, b. attempted to start flirting with my next "love interest" and c. tried to become best friends with my best friends.

I think that insecurity is at the very bottom of this. Your friend needs to prove to herself that she is better than you and therefore can "steal" in a way the attention of your family and friends. It's sad. Do not talk to her about it, be cool about it. If you indentify it as a problem, that will be her triumph.

[eggplant47]

Thanks! I'm sorry your college friend was so awful! But it's good to hear from someone else has gone through this... I've had some trouble trying to explain it to people!

[eggplant47]

Haha! Thanks! Funny you should mention the part about the movie... The plot to Single White Female has run through my head a couple of times since this all started....

 

Although, in all honesty, she is a wonderful person. She works for a non-profit org. & has two rescue dogs. I just can't figure out why she won't show me the respect of respecting my boundries! Maybe we've just been friends so long she doesn't think there are any.

[Sabina K.]

You know, now that I think of it, the best solution would be to talk to the people that you care about, not her. You can tell them that you don't feel at ease and that you feel that they are sharing way too much.