When the past haunts you...

[AncientYoungSon]

Here's the problem, as it stands...

 

I'm 23 years old, if that will aid in painting the picture. I've known this girl for 4 years now, and our story is a rather complicated one. However, I'll cut it short for the sake of saving the eyes of those who decide to read this thread.

 

She has a past, having been with 7+ men in her lifetime. I've never actually asked the exact number because I've never seen how it will help the situation. I've always been the jealous type, as I've been more of a traditionalist when it comes to sex and relationships. She on the other hand, has "been with" about every guy she has been with.

 

I care about her, very much so, but at the same time, I don't know if I'll ever be able to deal with the jealousy I feel. Frankly, I don't know how I can ever feel special in a relationship with her, knowing that she had been with all of these guys and admits that she went into the relationships knowing they wouldn't last.

 

So my question here is simple: is there anything that can be done for jealousy like this? I feel like I have to be more of a man than all of those from her past, like I'm still competing with them, though she insists that I'm special to her and I'm the one she wants.

 

So I guess I'd just like to know if there's any magic phrase one can repeat to oneself which will alleviate jealousy, or do you think jealousy would be warranted in this case?

 

Any input on the subject would be welcome...

 

-AYS

[Meow18]

Just ouit of curiosity, are you a virgin? My boyfriend told me like 2 weeks ago that he wasn't. That really hurt me. I felt exactly how you are feeling. Like having sex with me won't be as special to him now. I was a virgin (I lost it to him this week... ). I just had to deal with it & tell myself that I wasn't a part of his life right now & she was. At least your girlfriend did it with guys she was in a relationship with, or knew & they weren't just random guys. Every one has a past, not just with sex, but with relationship type things. You just have to keep telling yourself that you werent' with her back then & they were. It will seriously drive you crazy if you keep thinking about it. I know it made me crazy. Just having the thought in my mind was totally messing with me. It was killing me to think that he did that with another girl. Now I have calmed down about it. I know that he cares for me a lot, I know I'm the only one he wants to be with. Your girlfriend is with you now. You are important to her now. They are no longer a part of her life & you are. I'm sure she wouldn't go back to them if she had a chance because she is with you. As long as she makes you feel like you are the only one she wants & you trust her, don't worry about her past. I hope I helped.

[missie]

Well,

I am the jealous type too... And I also have problems with certain things of the past. And in fact I know it is very very silly, because in the past my bf didn't know me, so it has nothing to do with me not being special to him. The problem is he doesn't want to tell things about his past; so I have no idea about how much gf he had, what he did with them... Maybe it is better like this, but on the other hand, now my imagination is making a picture of it.

The thing is just to let go the past, because you can't change a thing about it. Just love each other, and look at the future, maybe you are not the first one, but isnt it better to be the last one?

I know it isnt easy, for me it is a real struggle sometimes, but I will get there one day. And so will you.

 

Hug

 

Missie

[AncientYoungSon]

In answer to your question, she was my first, but we broke up at one point and I had another relationship which moved a little too fast for me, then got back together after that relationship ended. All of this was a little abnormal for me as I'm usually a loner.

 

I suppose I'm not sure if I trust her or not, as I know she cheated on a boyfriend before me and that has always weighed heavily on my mind. She also has had casual sex on a few occasions, though I naturally didn't want to delve much further into that.

 

You have helped me here. I do need to consider if I feel like how you mentioned will be necessary to make the relationship work, and I don't think I do (though I'll have to ponder it a little longer).

 

in the past my bf didn't know me

 

Actually, it's different in my case. I knew her for about a year or two before she ever gave a relationship with me a chance. In the meantime, she was still dating other guys, and while she insists that she just wasn't ready or something along those lines, I can't help but scratch my head about this notion.

 

-AYS

[vitalcoaching]

Hi Ays,

 

When you say: "I've always been the jealous type...", I think you limit yourself.

 

If this is the case, it is time to change your mind pattern and ideas.

 

Jealousy consumes and destroys relationships. Right now, it is consuming you and wasting your energy into useless emotional loops.

 

A part of you defends your jealousy. A part of you even likes it or is proud of it.

 

Now, you are defending the very source of your pain.

 

That's where the conflict lies.

 

For the last 10 years of your life, you lived with this pattern in your mind and probably accepted it as YOUR identity.

 

I 100% disagree. Jealousy is a mind set. It's like a shirt you put on and enjoy. What you need to do now is find a new mind set which will give you greater satisfaction.

 

You need to do two things:

 

The first one is getting rid of the Jelousy pattern. The second one is finding a new mind set which works better. If you remove your "jealousy shirt", you need to find a new identity (you simply can't go around with a nacked torso, right?

 

The question is: What is the slogan you will write on your shirt? What's the quality which is 100 times better than jealousy and which solves all your dilemmas?

 

Right now, you are constricting your girlfriend's space. What you do when you get jealous is keeping her on a leash. True! I am serious. I don't see there an expression of love. I see and expression of control and inner fears. That's what I see in you.

 

Does this generate harmony? No!

 

Is this an expression of love? No!

 

Then what is it? It is an expression of power and control. In fact by being jealous you kill the very essense of what you love in her: her freedom, smile, openess, life force.

 

All these qualities is what you are supposed to protect in her. You do exactly the opposite: you kill them. This is what happens.

 

If you love somebody, set them free (that's from "Sting...")

 

How do you set someone free? By reaffirming your trust, respect, love. When you do this, you empower your girl friend. You give her strength, confidence.

 

So, what shirt will it be this morning? The one which hurts and says "Jealousy" in screaming letters, or will it be the new pattern of TRUST.

 

Don't say you don't have the choice. You do!

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[tikigirl]

I knew my boyfriend before we got together, he was 'with people' while i knew (and liked) him, and it sucked. now we are together it hurts so much to know that. When he tells me i am the most beautiful girl in the world i cant help but think, 'well why didnt u get with me as soon as u saw me then????!' instead of screwing the ugly sluts that he favoured over me.

 

its a mystery and it hurts like hell but there is no magic way to get rid of it. i may have to leave my boyfriend even though i love him and he loves me, because i simply dont see me getting over it and i dont want us to argue about it for the rest of our lives .

 

anyway just wanted u to know ur not alone (which is probably obvious by the name of the forum, )

 

 

[AncientYoungSon]

It's good to know that I'm not the first to feel that way, actually.

 

The logical reason I can think of why someone would not date you immediately upon seeing you is because he/she realizes they're not ready for a strong relationship yet, which is what you yourself represent in their mind.

 

Why they then continue to date and have sex with others is still very much a mystery to me, however.

 

-AYS

[AncientYoungSon]

Damn, you know, you've gotten me thinking again and I can't particularly say I like the thoughts crossing my mind.

 

I have the voice of "cruel reason" which sits at the back of my mind and pokes at me with questions like these from time to time. Questions like, "Why didn't she make a move for me?" and let me tell you, the answers I wind up forming in my head are never ideal. Things like "Because she wasn't done having meaningless sex yet", which in turn leaves me feeling like leftovers at the back of the fridge after she already "tried" everything else.

 

I'm sorry, I know this can't possibly be helping, but I've wound up feeling like a leftover before and I can't say I relish the thought of feeling that way again. I don't know if I care to spend time with someone who effectively picked me last...

 

-AYS

[Meow18]

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe you were just the last thing available or whatever, but the reason shes with you should have nothing to do with that. Obviously she likes you a lot to want to be with you. A lot of things could be the reason why she never made a move back then. Maybe other guys made moves towards her & she thought since they were interested she would go out with them. Have you ever asked her why she never made a move at first? Hearing her reasons for it might help. What is it that you want from her? She cant' take back what she's done in the past. Does she show you how much she cares for you now & stuff?? If you are with her now, why are you still thinking about the past? I'm sure you have done things in the past that maybe you regret now. How would you feel if she broke up with you, or got upset over something you cant control now? Does she regret what she did in the past? You just need to stop thinking that way. It will drive you crazy. I have been there & occasinally I still think about my boyfriend & how he had sex with another girl, but then I remind myself that I have him now & he loves me & wants to be with me & nothing else in the world matters.