does goodbye letter means the end foreever

[lilyofthemount]

I broke up with my ex almost a month ago..(after valentines) and so i dont know who is the dumpee or dumper..I initiated the break up because i felt neglected and taken for granted... or jealous.( I will will discuss all about the details later)

My delimma now is do i want him back or do he still want me back...two weeks ago i sent him a letter after he sent me an email saying goodbye. After that i realised i dont want to lost him and I email him back pouring out my emotions and saying i understand we agreed to break up but i dont want to lost him suggesting if we can go back like when we first started as no string attach and start from there and even told him i am willing to walk that road again if he is willing to take my hand....I waited for his response but nothing..after a week i sent an email saying goodbye...

Heres what wrote

I was going thru my email today and i realised you havent reply to my email to you. I take that as the end of us. I understand that two weeks ago we agree to break up and said goodbye to our relationship but is that mean goodbye also in person?

I was reading my email to you last week and i realised how i humiliated myself by asking you to take my hand and walk me to that "road again, I now realsed i was trying to hold you against your will not considering your feelings that you want us out completely in our own and say goodbye and cut off communication with me completely. I guess i was afraid i am losing you completely and i was not ready to let go...this past few days something happen that make me realised i was still keeping you deep in my heart and i realised i have to let you go. I am not going to pretend it will be easy because you been a big part of me but i see that it is what it is and i need to let you go intirely

I dont wanna see goodbye without saying that what i told you in my last letter are all true and that i have loved you with all my heart and truth and honesty and if i will ever look back to our good moments together i can honestly say with a smile..."Im glad i had the chance to love you even in a short time.. and i can say that without no ill feeling towards you.

So I guess this is it.Goodbye

I wish you all the best and hope you find what your looking for.

 

And his reply;

 

Thank you for understanding. i needed space and could not find it with you gripping so tightly. You held on too tight and I tried so many times to get that space. My focus has and is changing in many areas. I unfortunately was not ready for a relationship no matter how much I yearn/yearned for intimacy. My not replying was needed for you to get your space and clarity as you would not have let go, and you needed to. It was in interest in you healing as well. I question weather I should be emailing you as well but non the less here I am.

 

I do not regret knowing and loving you. I do not blame you for anything. Our timing was just wrong. My desire and ability to keep my integrity was being torn with my needs conflicting with my reality. I was enduring some internal conflicts that were going to lead to something disrespectful of you/us if I did not get some space to figure it all out. I did not disrepect you/us in the relationship, but I did/do have desires and needs. They have not yet been met, but things as I say are changing. Though not in the way you think/forcasted. (name witheld) is not a part of it, and we do not have that between us. Though you have no need any longer to know what it is. And i have become very much internalized in my feelings and sharing of information to anyone.

 

Things have happened that scared me in you. . It was a pleasure knowing and loving you. I have learned a lot about me, relationships, balance, commitment and rebounding. I hope your journey as well has grown as well as our paths ran parallel for a breif while. You are a sweet lady, and deserve to be happy. I am not the right man for that at this time, and possibly not in the future as I had said things are changing. I am seeing I may have to stay for another year, and with that anything can happen. I release you to find your path, and encourage you find your dreams and desires.

********************************************************

 

Now my delimma is.. is this means forever. twice i break up with him and he pleading me not to break us away.. whenever i tried to back out because i sensed something wrong he always come running after me... ringing my phone at the middle of the night...i was kind and understanding and told him we need to back out but he was so persistent that he melt my heart to come back to him...so the queston now in my heart is.. was he really finish with me or going thru some difficulties.. i knew he has lots of issues to deal with but those issues really didnt bother him when he was chasing me.. now suddenly he need space.. growth.. healing ...etc...I knew there is a girl he mentioned but insisted it was just platonic and the girl was pestering him he should cutt off his relationship to me because its not healthy (ohh by the way we are in Long Distance Relationship) and his platonic girl friend lives near him. so it was a struggle for me to believe his story...like they hang out 3-4 times a week and called and ym each other...is that platonic??

I admit i still want him.. but i am not sure to what level...i am still angry...jealous and untrusting..but i want him back...i am not sure as a boyfriend or a friend. the night before he email his goodbye letter to me he woke me up at midnight and even cry how he feel so bad for putting me in pain...i was not even crying but yes i was hurting..the following morning he sent me an angry goodbye letter prior to the one i just posted here.

Right now i am confused.. .. YES i want him back... But do I really???

is " Getting back your ex" is what i need ?

I would love to hear from you guys.. i need inputs to help me sort this out. I would really appreciate both sides of the female and male point of view..analize both the letter and help me see what is it behind the lines. thank you

[RobD70]

You need to ask yourself why you want him back. Is it because he's unavailable now?

 

Right now he's happy about the breakup so there's nothing you can do or say to change his mind. As a matter of fact, the more you try to engage with him the more he's going to think the breakup was a good idea.

 

Go NC and see if he reaches out to you after a couple of months. That's the only way you'll have a chance of reconciling if that's what you want (if there's even a remote chance that is). He may show more interest in you if you move on like he did.

 

In the mean time, keep asking why you broke up to begin with and why all of the sudden you want him back.

[FrenchFries]

I think that letter is saying goodbye. I don't understand why you broke up with him (twice) already and now you want him back? Why keep breaking up? It seems as if you are playing games and this time he did not come back, pleading for you. Anyone would tire of this eventually.

[lilyofthemount]

well.. you have to understnd there are things wy i break up with him twice...he wiglled with his feeings and i dont know where i stand....this time he said he is so devoted and really was all over me and ready for commitment.. ( i did not asked) and the next day he was kind of giving me signal that maybe we just date and let him see if he can deliver me the goods.. twice i told him..ok.. maybe we need to back out .. i will be here.. but i wont wait forever... you go find whatever your seeking and come back.. i just cant promise i will still be available..and that freak him.. in other words he love me to the core but also want to have his cake and eat it too.. thats what i am sensing.

i heard about the NC.. i did that and after a week he called..because i sent him a message asking politelu if he is missing up with my yahoo ids..(he's a computer geek) and he called me i didnt answer back and he called midnight ....

anyways...what can you say guys..is he playing me?

[lilyofthemount]

figure this out guys..

 

1. if a guy and a lady go out for dinner coffe.. movies and ym chat.. phone call a lot.. is that still consider platonic..?

2 .when your girlfriend freak out because she doesnt know where you are the whole night you you suppose to tell her where are you.. do you consider that clinggy? In fairnes he check on me regularly thats why i thought it is fair for me to do the same..?

3.would you tell your girlfriend to sleep with you but you wanted her to know that you want to date other girls? to check your feelings if you wont ever cheat her?

 

This are the reasons of me wanting to back out twice but he came running after me and was apologies and say.. he was wrong..

so now suddenly.. he had a sudden change of heart.. i am clinngy.. manipulative..untrusting..and should grow

[iBroken]

It sounds to me like this is good bye.

 

It almost sounds like there might be someone else, or the idea of someone else. It seems as though he is now taking the time off to work through those feelings.

 

I got a few red flags from this;

 

My desire and ability to keep my integrity was being torn with my needs conflicting with my reality.

 

And this

 

I was enduring some internal conflicts that were going to lead to something disrespectful of you/us if I did not get some space to figure it all out. I did not disrepect you/us in the relationship, but I did/do have desires and needs.

 

and this;

 

(name witheld) is not a part of it, and we do not have that between us. Though you have no need any longer to know what it is

[lilyofthemount]

ep.. those are the things i am looking for..thanks for your input..i witheld the name of the girl out of respect. althogh he still insist there will be nothing netween them.. he is all planned in coming here to my country and retire.. we had plans alrady but his prediction of how things will turn out regarding some issues he is dealing with did not turn out ot be what he is expecting..