I just dont get it...

[Psinic]

Hi Guys,

 

This is probably just me trying to rationalise things in my head, but i just dont get something and im hoping someone here can shed some light on it for me.

 

You hear about guys that are real b**tards to their girls. They beat them, cheat on them, take money from them and treat them mean. Yet these girls keep forgiving and keep trying to get back with them.

 

Then theres me, I have never done any of that stuff, I have a god job, my own money, my own place and car. I am caring, always trying to do whatever i can for my girl (I recently drove 150 miles out of my way to pick her up as she ddnt want to catch a train for example), and all I ask for in return is to be loved and respected.

 

Yet then I have the year from hell, my divorce kicks off, my ex-wife poisons my children against me, I loose my closest uncle and my nan within months of each other, and because of this i start suffering from depression. 6 months later after the water get a little rocky, my girlfriend tucks in her tail and runs.

 

How can some guys act so bad and keep their girls, yet other have ablip in their lives and loose the love of their life?

 

It's just not fair...

[mgirl]

Hey Psinic,

 

I know life seems unfair sometimes, but you have more than those losers who treat women poorly have. You have a house, a car and a good job, and that is more than any loser who abuses women has.

 

In relation to why women stay around and accept sub-standard treatment: Psychological research suggests that people prefer to have their true opinion of themselves reinforced. For example, if a woman really hates herself, she feels most comfortable when she's around people who reinforce that view of herself, perhaps by treating her badly. This would explain how so many seemingly 'beautiful' women hang around guys who treat them badly, because, underneath, they don't believe they are worthy of good treatment.

 

That is also why some women stay around in an abusive relationship.

 

The other thing with abusive relationships is that the woman's self esteem is so beaten down, that they get 'attached' to their abuser. It is a bit like Stockholm Syndrome. Google it.

 

Either way, the phenomena you describe is not healthy behaviour, so you really shouldn't be aspiring to that level of relationship.

 

You know the girlfriend left you. I was in a simliar situation where a person i was dating left me because i was no longer "fun" and happy. Is that really the sort of person you want to be around for the rest of your life?

 

I say for you and me, we need to get over our underlying issues (our depression) and then they'll see what they lost. By then, it will be too late though, cos we'll have moved on...

 

But, we've got to move on for ourselves, we've got to heal for ourselves.

[squirl]

mgirl answered one part of the question. I'll answer the other.

 

Every single person and every single relationship is different. The first six months is generally a happy honeymoon period. Newer people don't know the overall picture of you. So if you are struggling with depression and heavy life issues this early in the period, the newer person may decide it is too much of a risk to stick it out until you're feeling yourself again.

 

Everyone has their own timing and their own ups and downs. The most important thing is to get healthy, be at the best you want to be, and you'll attract the right person.

[Psinic]

Thanks guys - that helps, and i am working on my depression now with meds and counselling. But we weren't 6 months into the relationship - we were about 2.5 years in when the depression started. We had a good time before, things were good. Thats what hurts so much - i feel like she was there for the good times, and then left as soon as i really needed her.

[DirectDingo]

You deserve somebody who will stand by you through anything. The reason these people stay with their boyfriend/girlfriend despite them being a total numpty is that they love them deeply and they can't imagine life without them.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but this is the best way to find out that she's not meant for you. It's only when things go horribly wrong that you find out who your true friends are and it seems to me that she's shown her true colours.

 

Be strong and keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. There are many good, kind people in this world. Don't be disillusioned by a small subset of women that are fickle.

 

All the best.

[squirl]

Thanks guys - that helps, and i am working on my depression now with meds and counselling. But we weren't 6 months into the relationship - we were about 2.5 years in when the depression started. We had a good time before, things were good. Thats what hurts so much - i feel like she was there for the good times, and then left as soon as i really needed her.

 

I totally get that. It sucks, but some people are just that way. I have some friends who are that way too and you know what? Now that I'm better I find that these fair weather friends bore me silly. They just don't have the depth to interest me.

 

You know what's a great movie that I bet would cheer you up, if you haven't see it? "Stardust." It's kind of about this.

 

Also the book Shopgirl by Steve Martin. It was made into a movie, but I only read the book.

 

Heh, I just realized they both star Clare Danes.