Are we too different?

[Lost_confused]

I don't really know how to say all of this, really. It's been a long time in the making. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years - and the most persistent problems we've faced have been with her not helping out and pulling her share of the load. We've lived together for over two years, and so yes, we probably moved too fast - it was a long distance relationship, and at the time, bringing her to live with me seemed the best idea in the world.

 

Over the two years, she's been unable to hold a job. I'll find one for her, usually, and she either quits or gets fired...and then she just won't look. She'll apply a couple of places, if I really push at her, but mostly she does nothing but sleep and play online - meaning she doesn't clean, not even clean up after herself, or anything else that would at least be a contribution to the household. I actually kicked her out a few months ago, and then freaked out that I'd done so, and brought her back home a few weeks later...and as soon as I did, I regretted it. Even so, I'd done it, so we kept trying, and we found a therapist for her, and the therapist said she was most likely depressed. We don't have much money, so the soonest appointment we could get for low cost mental health doctor's visit is in May. So right now, I'm trying to put up with the problems that at this point are just wearing me to a thread, hoping therapy and eventually medication might help her.

 

 

The more I think about it though, I don't know if we're really as compatible for a long term relationship as I thought. I guess I always help out hope that there would be some miracle, some change of heart, some change in her - and now that I'm faced with the fact that she may actually get better, it finally dawns on me that even if she gets better, and finds a job, we are really, really different. It's the small stuff we agree on - we like similar books and movies, tv shows, things like that. The big stuff, though....we're polar opposites.

 

I want to live outside of the city - I hate the cramp and noise of city life, and I grew up in the middle of a forest with acres as my playground. She loves the city, and wants to move even more into the city, and whenever I talk about moving somewhere a little out in the country, she always objects with "Oh, no, I don't want to live out in the middle of nowhere, please, let's never move to the country." She's miserable in the country (doubly so if there's no internet - that would be the end of the world, to her) and I'm just as miserable in the city.

 

I want to buy a house and restore it - she wants an even smaller downtown apartment. Similar to the country/city issue, I suppose....but my dream is an old house that I can work on myself, and over time restore it. I itch to have a yard that I can landscape, where I can actually plant things, especially trees. I am heartily sick of apartments and renting. For some reason, it's just now dawning on me that for her, apartments aren't just "until we can buy a house." For some reason, I always had this hope in the back of my mind of us both renovating an old house together...but I have to face it now, that she'd probably never even pick up a paintbrush.

 

I want kids - It's not that she doesn't want kids, but she would be perfectly happy never having kids if it turned out that way. I really, really want kids, and right now, a lot of what I'm doing is aimed at that with a goal. Buy a house, renovate it, make it into a home, have a family. It's kind of my mantra at this point. Her...well, I guess this might tie in with the depression, but she won't even help out with our pets. She won't clean up after them, feed them, water them. She has a fit if I want to get rid of them - but I'm the one stuck with taking care of them. And again, for some reason, I'm just now facing the facts that if she won't take care of herself, then entrusting her with our child would likely be disastrous. I can imagine the conversation "Honey, the baby is hungry and has a horrible dirty diaper!" "Oh, sorry, I forgot, I was just so busy roleplaying online that it slipped my mind." (Which is her excuse for well, everything.)

 

 

 

God, I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do. There's all of this - just staring me in the face. It feels like it should be obvious...but it's just so hard. I feel like I love her - but I have to ask myself, do I love her, or am I in love with being in love? Do I love her, or am I scared of letting her go and letting go of my dreams of a family at the same time? And this seems so petty, but I worry about what her therapist would think - she's only seen her a few times now, and I know if we split up and she goes back to her parents, she won't be getting help from them. The thought of saying "Sorry, we won't be scheduling anymore appointments, we're splitting" after just a few visits seems so embarrassing to me.

[penelope13]

I am glad she is seeking help for her depression.

 

However the other problem is see is: you have been more a parent than a partner to her. It is in her best interest to maybe learn first how to take care of herself before being in a relationship or thinking about a family.

 

Does she have any friends besides you? If not, that is what you should be encouraging her to do: to build a social network independent of you and your friends.

[Lost_confused]

No, not unless you count people online that she roleplays with. Unless I bring her along to hang out with my friends, she doesn't even leave the house.