My underlying issue. (Just a Rant)

[Patternpimp]

First of all; I have cheated on my wife in the past. It started as a fling and got carried away and had me questioning my feelings for my wife. I resolved the relationship with the other woman long ago and she has since married. I hurt my wife deeply and tried my best to be a better husband since. Im successful in my career, dependable, hardworking, physically fit and take excellenct care of our home and my son.

My wife has cheated. Together 10 yrs married 4 yrs with a 3 yr old son. My first marriage, my wifes second. I suspected my wife of cheating with her exhusband around Christmas of 09. Instead of confronting her I merely made subtle hints about the time she was spending with someone, the text messaging and so on. I ultimately sent a text while she was with the guy to "Wrap up what she had treed" of course she denied everything. In hindsight it was wrong to sit back and watch it unfold waiting until I could prove it. Till this point I had no hard evidence, so I spot checked her email and texts until I had irrefutable evidence. My evidence came a month later when I intercepted an email with the ex husband praising how well she blew him after a birthday party. I confronted her and she denied, after much prodding it eventually came out. A couple days later after doing more research I found out when and how many times they had sex. Since I knew some of the details I insisted she tell me every dirty little detail. In hindsight even though it made for incredible arousal; probably not a good idea.

My underlying issue is the ex husbands wife never found out so he has no consequences for his actions. I found some mutual friends and they all told me what a wonderful person the ex husbands wife was; that she wasnt the demon he made her out to be; at that point I couldnt knock on her door and tell her. Few of our friends and family know what the wife did, so she doesnt have the public shame that goes along with said behaviors so no consequences for her. I fantasize about my wife being called a home wrecking * * * * * by the exs wife, but alas not yet. So I decided a few weeks back that if I showed up on this mans doorstep and had a not so gentle discussion he would never underestimate the ramifications of banging my wife. However upon arriving at his home and seeing what looked like a lovely home tastfully decorated by his wife, I decided I just couldnt do that to the poor woman.

Its been a couple of months and we might work through this, might not. My son is buying her my patience right now. She is seeking her own counseling because she legitimately has childhood issues she must deal with and she utilizes anti-depressants to keep her level.

While I think I want to forgive her, I really dont want to. Unfortunately I lack the courage to leave my son and become a part-time father.

I have heard and read many of the lies she has told about me to friends, I have been disgusted by the people who claimed to be my friends that knew what she was doing. Unfortunately now that I know my wife is no better then she is; I dont feel compelled to deal with many of her issues. Such as her employment choices, money management, time management, house keeping or weight issues. Before I could always say at least she is faithful, but I no longer have that. I have no real questions just what we are dealing with today. Thanks for listening.

[iBroken]

I would say that the OM's wife has a right to know.

 

It doesnt matter if the house is tastefully decorated or not. She should know whats happening so she can make a decision on her own as to whether or not she would like to stay with him or move on.

 

Im sorry you are going through this, I have found myself in your shoes before (cheated on) and it sucks and it kills and its so hard to recover from. But you will come to meet great people of this site and you will get great advice.

 

Also, check link removed They have a great healing library and forum

[shessofly]

if i am reading this correctly, you have cheated on your wife in the past and she forgave you, but now you don't want to do the same for her? now she is a homewrecker, but what were you? i guess what i'm saying is, you have painted this awful picture of her, but you have forgotten you haven't always been husband of the year. i would think you would be a little more understanding of where she's coming from.

 

now i am by no means saying two wrongs make a right, but i'm not quite getting your reasoning right now.

 

i do think the other wife should be aware of the infidelity, but i'm not sure how you should go about doing it. right now it seems like the revenge you want for this guy is overshadowing true concern for his wife.

[Patternpimp]

I call my wife a homewrecker as the man involved has a wife and child. My relationship was with a single mother. Im aware that in the eyes of my wife there is little difference but I have no intention to be the reason a home is split apart and children are left to live in separate homes. I am keeping my desire for revenge in check, I do greatly want the wife to know but it is not for me to tell her. As you have pointed out Iam most certainly not a candidate for husband of the year, but I have many qualities that allowed my wife to weigh whether I was worth taking another chance on and since then I have been faithful. When I weigh my marriage to my wife Im not sure that she is worth the effort. I have tried to remove the love for my son from the equation and focus on if I want to be married to my spouse. Thats the answer I cant seem to find.

[shessofly]

i guess to me, any person who is married and involved in an affair is a homewrecker, as they are indeed wrecking their own home/relationship. no affair is more or less destrucive or at some "higher" or "lower" level than another, but that's my opinion. but anyway, just don't jump too soon. take time and hopefully some counseling to make sure you want out of the marriage. i'm sure your wife may have thought about getting out of the marriage too when the news of your infidelity was fresh. i don't have much advice to offer as to what you should do about the other man's wife. hopefully someone else can share some of their wisdom. good luck to you. hope you are able to make the choice that will work best for you and your family.