Pragmatic Considerations about breaking 7m NC w/6y xGF

[AFriendInNeed]

First off I want to say thanks again to everybody. I posted a thread on this forum a week or so ago and found some amazing help. After much consideration, I did some thinking this weekend, and I've now decided that I am going to call her. This decision was long coming and I finally made the realization in large part from help from members on eNotAlone.

 

Now that I feel like stage one is over (i.e. I've made the decision that I will definitely be calling her imminently), I wanted to start a new thread to talk about some more practical and pragmatic concerns and thoughts about re-initiating contact and our possible new relationship:

 

I think part of the real reason I am hesitant is because when I was with GF, I used to 'complain' about her a lot to my friends and family (or rather, I used to talk a lot about whether I might want to break up with her). I feel like the people in my life might be in some way disapproving of my choice.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not concerned with what they think of me. The reason I think this is relevant is that if they think I'm making a poor decision to go back to GF so soon, does that mean I am ACTUALLY making a poor decision? I greatly value the option of my father, brother, friends, etc. Knowing my situation thoroughly, I think that their consensus would be for me not to call GF. But * * * , were does that leave me? I guess I should just f*$% their opinions and do what feels right to my heart.

 

So now that I've pretty much definitively decided that I'm going to call her within a few days or a week or so at most, I'm starting to think about what I might say. I want to give you some of my thoughts of the matter and get some feedback on it.

 

Thoughts:

1. How can she accept me back into her busy life? She works 80+hrs/week and has lots of friends and loves to go out and stuff. Sometimes I question how she would make time for me again -- I stepped out of the picture before she made the transition from college to living on her own in the city with a new job. Would she want to make time for me?

 

2. Assuming I call her and part of her wants to get back together with me -- how can she explain our re-union to her close friends and family? To them (and I know also to her), it feels like I totally walked away from everything, abandoned her, and broke her heart. I don't know how she'd justify getting back together with me to them. I think the majority of those people would tell her that she should be careful in thinking if she'd really should even consider taking me back. (---It's ironic, really. I broke up with her, and now I'M the one left wondering if SHE'D take ME back...lol)

 

3. What do I tell GF if she asks if I've been with anybody while we've been apart? Tell her I don't want to talk about that now. Tell her exactly the truth (that I slept with 2 girls, kissed a couple, and very casually dated another one for 5 months)? That doesn't seem prudent. I guess avoid the topic if at all possible and then just in general I should let the news fall as gently as possible.

 

Well, I guess that's it for now. Any thoughts about my thoughts? Or other comments? Any input is so greatly appreciated.

[adviseseeker]

Doesn't matter what any friends/family think about getting back together with her, if it is what you want with all your heart then nobody's opinion should matter to you. You told them things apparently, so they only got the one-sided view of probably only negative things you had to say about her. Maybe some of them will disapprove, maybe some don't care really...who cares? They can live with it, would you sacrifice everything with her because you want to please everyone? Probably not.

 

My dad told me after my breakup that all his friends in college told him not to marry my mom... but he didn't give a rats a$$, he told them to screw off and did it anyway because he was in love with her - best decision of his life!

 

If she does want to know what you've been up to, be honest but don't give her details please! She may probe for details but don't tell her specifically which girl you slept with and kissed etc. Just say you casually dated and leave it at that.

 

All I have to say about the busy life thing is...well initially things will be very slow to start because she doesn't have a lot of time. You won't hear from her often especially at the beginning when you pop back up and she is confused, but if she really wants to work on things with you she will make time for you and you will probably notice. Although I wouldn't expect too much at first.

 

And also don't get too far ahead of yourself! You haven't called her yet, you need to think about these questions in time when they are an actual issue. At this point you haven't talked to her or seen her, you have to be prepared for the worst as well.

[AFriendInNeed]

I was just thinking about GF again and since I've been posting so much on eNotAlone lately, I figured I'd write my thoughts here....

 

I guess the main thing on my mind is how much I would like our relationship when I'm back in it. Let's say I call her and everything goes 100% how I would hope. We catch up on the phone. I suggest meeting near the end of the convo; she agrees. We have lunch/coffee later that week and go for a walk in central park. I tell her how much I love her and how much I've been missing her. She says that her life has been hell without me, and has just been WAITING and HOPING for my call....

 

Even if all this happens and we get back together. I question whether this is truly what I want, it's a little hard to know. I mean I know for 100% sure that I miss GF terribly -- It's just that I need to make doubly sure before I call her that it IS what I want. I love GF and for whatever it's worth I do NOT want to hurt her. She is so special and I care for her, still, after 7 months apart. I would absolutely hate to have the above ideal situation happen, and then a few months later having doubts that I made the right choice. How can I be sure I'm not just caving for the easy option? I mean, how can I be sure I'm not just 'homesick'? Maybe my having a rather average first rebound relationship has marred my view.

 

If I get back together with GF, I know it would be for good (unexpected turn of events non-withstanding). The two biggest factors in our break up was the distance (causing extreme stress on our relationship), and maybe even more importantly, that I had never really been with anyone else and, on some level, I felt like I wasn't really choosing GF -- instead, life had chosen her for me at the young inexperienced age of 17. Part of me wants more time to see what's out there, but I guess I'm worried that the more time passes, the less chance I have of a reconcilliation with GF. On the other hand though, as I mentioned above, prematurely getting back together with GF could cause the oposite problem.

 

What do you think?

[Kashmir4321]

I kind of know your story from reading and offering advice in your other thread. I don't think you should write off what you're feeling for her at this moment as simple "homesickness". If the relationship really wasn't worth it and your love for her was not real, I don't think that you would be missing and loving her so much right now. And if, when you speak to her, you end up discussing the other women you experienced while you two were separated, it might be wise to somewhat flatter her and tell her that the were nice girls, but nothing compared to her, and being with them realized how much you want to be with her. I know I would HATE to hear about what my ex did with other women, but saying things like that could soften the blow a bit. I hope it all turns out well for you.

[jmr19114425]

Good luck bro