God help me

[holdingon]

Death would be better than this. I am so trapped. What have I done to deserve this?

[Springs]

Can you explain more about your situation?

 

I am sure there is a way out and always light at the end of the tunnel

[mandyc]

Nobody ever, ever, ever deserves to be hurt or abused either physically or emotionally. Some people in this world prey upon those who they think won't fight back. So fight back. Not physically, but get yourself out of whatever situation you are in. There is always hope. You just have to believe that there is. I hope that whatever it is you are going through gets easier. In the mean time we are here if you need to talk or just to vent.

[holdingon]

Im sick of hiding and lieing to peoples faces. I just want to be myself and it feels like everything is a dead end. Ive either tried it or it didnt work or it will make things worse. Ive done it to myself by not being honest, and I know that its my fault it just feels like now everywhere I turn is a dead end because ive lied to so many people

[minou]

What have you lied to them about? And who did you lie to?

[holdingon]

My family, my friends, even my best friend. Ive done everything for him but nothing is ever good enough. Im so tired. Everytime I think im free and im going to be okay it always gets worse. Ill say something wrong or do something stupid or speak up for myself. Im tired of fighting it and im tired of looking over my shoulder and. I have no idea where to turn anymore

[minou]

Hard to know what to say without knowing what you lied about. If I were you, I would come clean to my best friend. If you don't know why you lie, say so. If you do, say so. Say you are turning a new leaf. Then get some help. Go to a therapist to get on track. you can turn a new leaf. Why do you feel you keep having to look over your shoulder?

[holdingon]

Everything. Ive lied about why i cant see them, why im so shut off, I lie about being happy and i lied to them about how amazing our relationship was. And he knows how tied up I am. He knows i cant do anything about what he does to me unless I hurt myself and everybody else. I dont feel like I can do anything. I cant go where I want or do what I want in case he finds out. I need so badly to sit down with someone because i cant hold it inside anymore, I just want to release it, all the negative feelings and the pain hes caused me but I dont know how and I dont know the way out

[catfeeder]

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

1.800.787.3224 (TTY)

Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

[TN-Walker]

I was in your situation not so long ago, and also felt like there was no way out. I was virtually a prisoner in my own home. (I've included the links below to my first posts so you can see what I was going through.)

 

My husband was emotionally and physically abusive for almost our entire four year marriage. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and he would nitpick and criticize everything I would say and do. I was not allowed to visit or call my children or grandchildren unless he was present (the phone had to be on speaker phone during any calls that I made or received.) He opened my mail, read my e-mail, and monitored the cell phone bill to see who I had called each day. If I had to leave the room for any reason, he wanted to know where I was going; and if I was gone from the room more than five minutes, he'd come check on me to see if he could catch me making phone calls. He put me down, he called me names, he told me that I couldn't do anything right. He shoved me, slapped me, and punched me.

 

I felt trapped too, because his mom, who I love, lived with us; and if I left, they would have to move and I didn't want to do that to her. I actually did leave twice and came back each time when he promised to change. When I did, things improved for awhile, but then got much worse, as if he were "punishing" me for leaving.

 

Like you, I also lied to my family and my friends about being happy and about what a wonderful relationship we had. I think I just wanted it to be true. I also thought maybe everything was my fault and if I could only be what he wanted me to be, everything would get better. And since I figured it was my fault, I didn't want my family to be upset at him so that they would like him and everyone would get along and we could be a family. But my family and friends didn't like him and didn't want to be around him. I felt responsible in part for that because of things I did tell them the two times that I left. They were angry that he was treating me that way. But they also saw how he was and didn't like him, no matter what I said or how much I later lied and told them things were better in my marriage. And they also understood why I lied to them. (Your family and friends will understand too. They love you and want to help you. I'm sure they will forgive you, given the circumstances, and that they're more concerned about you and your safety than the fact that you lied.)

 

Finally in December, I realized that it was not my fault, it was his and that he could not and would not change. And I finally had enough and moved out in January. I have my own apartment, and I'm NEVER going back! And I feel so free!!!

 

Our house is up for sale now, and though I feel bad for leaving his mom having to pack up and move at the age of 73, I needed to take care of me before there wasn't any me left (emotionally, spiritually, and maybe physically). I gave up a lot of material things (home, pool, money, etc.) to move out, but I'd rather live on the street than to be treated like that again.

 

Please, do yourself a favor and do whatever you need to to get away and be safe. You do NOT have to live like that! You're a valuable person, and whatever you think is holding you there isn't important. Just set yourself free!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[turnera]

Make a choice today to start telling the truth when people ask.

 

Tell your parents and ask for their help.

 

And call an abuse crisis hotline.

[SeekingWisdom]

I am only a month out of a situation that is similar to yours. At least from what I can tell. I lied to everyone too. Made all kinds of excuses why I couldn't see anyone or why I never answered my phone. I was afraid to even walk out my own front door because I never knew if he would find out and I never knew what he would do if he did find out. I never invited anyone over and if they did come over I rarely answered my door because I was afraid that my now-ex would pop by for some odd reason which he was prone to doing.

 

I felt trapped and caged and after awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong inside my own head. I never felt like myself. Part of me still doesn't and probably won't for a long time. But get yourself out of there. I did it. It took me over 2 years(and takes others a lot longer) but I finally did and you know the only thing I felt when I walked out the door? Relief. It was a huge sigh of relief. I was scared deep down but at the moment... it was the best feeling in the world and it's part of what keeps me going and is keeping me strong. If you leave someone and your first major emotional reaction is relief... you'll know you made the right choice. Although it already sounds like you realize that your relationship isn't working for you. Do yourself a huge favor and follow your gut instincts.

 

I wish you the best and hope everthing works out for you. Keep your chin up.