So what move do I make now??

[hopeless66]

So I have been hanging with my ex now for about 6 1/2 weeks. Calls me everyday or texts. I've seen her about 4 times a week since we started talking. A few weeks ago I asked her what our deal was after one night I asked for a goodnight kiss and she was hesitent. I got the "I want to take things slow, day to day... I'm trying to figure out my life, etc..."

 

After that I told her I couldn't be her friend and if she wanted to hang out or see if things would progress she would have to take the drivers seat. That I felt like if asking for a kiss goodnight was moving too fast that calling and asking her out would make me feel like I was pushing... Shhe then started coming more at me. Asking to hang out, go out, etc.

 

About a week ago we were laying in my bed watching a movie. I just went ahead and kissed her. She seemed for it and we made out for a minute or two. Saw her a couple more times after that and a couple days ago she came by and hung out. I kissed her again, another quick one. She just seems very hot and cold at times. She texted me this morning and we exchanged a few texts before she went into work. I asked her, "Whats your plan for tomorrow? Would you like to go out tomorrow night?" I assume she started work because I didn't get a text until about 30min ago saying, "Sorry I went into work. I just got off."

 

Huh? Didn't even answer my question. Now I'm a little stuck. We hang out like we are a couple. Laying in bed together, going out together, talking all the time, etc. However on my end I'm stuck going, "What is this?? Is this going somewhere?"

 

I don't know if I should bring up 'us' again. Ask where this is going. I kinda have the thought that if I get the "Im confused" answer, just to tell her that with all the time we have been spending together, if you are still confused as to whether or not we should be together then the answer is probebly not... That I am getting attatched again and I need to back off. That if she wants to try again that my door is open, but until she knows thats what she wants to give me space..

 

My other option is to keep up with this whole thing. Not knowing if anything is developing or not.. Whats your thoughts?

[Puddincup]

I'd continue to hang out with her if you enjoy her company. Just keep doing what you're doing and try to enjoy being with her. If it is really bothering you though, then you'll have to confront her. However, confrontations can go either way so you need to be prepared for a good or a bad outcome if you choose to go that route.

[AutumnBorn]

Why, why, why is it all or nothing? Why do you have to be a "couple"? Can't you just date without the commitment?

 

She is absolutely right in thinking that you should take it slow. Why rush into something at the risk of someone or both getting hurt?

[minou]

Dude, you've got to relax. She probably meant she just got off work and was too tired to think about it. You're putting pressure on the little moments of living. If you can tolerate ambiguity, hang out with her without the huge need to know what the status is. Be the best you can be, independent, happy in your own skin, confident and let time take it's course on whether or not you're a good match for the long run. Take it more slowly. You'll have a better chance that way.

[hopeless66]

I have been completely patient on every front with her, taking things slow, etc. Now I'm just getting a little irritated. How hot and cold she is. I feel like I'm putting in too much effort and not getting any back. We were supposed to hang out last night. We talked around 430pm last night and I told her I was going to shower and give her a call in a little while. I called her at 530 and she didn't pick up. I just decided to go out with other people insted. She calls me at 10pm apologizing saying after we hung up she fell asleep and just woke up.(I believe her because all she does is fall asleep. She has some kind of sleeping problem becasue she constantly falls asleep throughout the day. Makes me wonder if its out of depression) "Call me when you get this.." She tried calling again 10min later then sent me a text, "Call me if you are around.."

 

I didnt text her back until after midnight. I put, "I'm getting in bed. Call me tomorrow."

She responded, "No call?" I called her, she apologized, I just said its fine, I'm goin to bed.

She asked if I was off today, I said yes and that was it.. Hadnt talked to her since..

 

I think the next time we talk I am going to put it out there. I am completely fine with moving slow, but I feel like there is no progress.. We have been hanging out 4 times a week for the last couple months. I just can't keep myself in limbo. I dont know if I am supposed to be seeing other people or if I am supposed to hang in there with her. I feel like she would freak out a little if I decided to go out with someone else..

 

Dont know what else to do..

[atelis]

This is bull_sh_it and you know it. I have followed your story for as long as you've been here and you know your instincts are telling you that she is not in this 100%. The reason she hangs out with you is that it's 'comfortable' and it keeps her from having to deal with her real issues and fears and her depression. But, what in this for you?

 

She says she wants to take things slow, yet she is happy to hang out with you four days a week? Most married couples don't see each other that much. Her words and her actions are a total contradiction and that is the first sign of someone who is not right in the head.

 

This is about her not having the emotional maturity or the emotional wellbeing to be in a relationship with anyone. She needs help and she needs a long time to sort her stuff out.

 

Why do you feel like you need to 'rescue' her?

[adviseseeker]

I would have to disagree with that...uhh most married people see each other every single day!?!

 

Four times a week is pretty good for going slow, but it's also been going that same pace for a few months so I think it's normal for him to feel a little concerned. She's being hot and cold, I don't think there's something wrong with her! She's hesitant, why do people always jump to conclusions and say that there's something wrong and they need help?

[atelis]

I would have to disagree with that...uhh most married people see each other every single day!?!

 

it's called exaggeration. My point is, taking it slow is not seeing someone 4 times a week. When you have had a breakup, taking it slow is going out on dates perhaps once or twice a week at the most over a period of weeks, maybe months and take the time to build a new relationship.

[hopeless66]

I agree with Atelis.. Its not that I want to "rescue" her. We get along extremely well.. I could understand all the hesitation if we had a bad break up. If there was cheating or abuse, etc. We just broke up over little bickering at the end. We were apart for 8 mos NC.. She came at me, I let her in, now she is hot and cold. Its to the point of it being frustrating. She acts like we are a couple. Going out, hanging out, cuddling, calling/texting all day every day... But when it came to the position a month ago asking where she saw this heading I got the "I'm confused"...

 

At this point I don't believe anyone could be confused. I believe she's dragging her feet. She knows every bit of who I am. She knows how compatable we are and how well we get along. I feel after this much time has been invested I have the right to pretty much say, "Its time to crap or get off the pot"

 

Its just been getting under my skin. Last night was a perfect example. I get she fell asleep. It makes it a little easier to take than if she was to ditch me and go out. However, she knew I was around all day and she is off all day today and I got nothing from her. No calls or texts.. So I think its time for me to put it on the table and tell her I'm not interested in being friends with her. If she wants to try this again than I am all for it, but if she is confused than to tell her not to call me until she knows what she wants.

[atelis]

If someone is supposed to be in a relationship with you but they tell you they are 'mess' and 'confused' then what more evidence do you need in order to stop this dead in it's tracks? You don't even need to use your intincts because she is basically telling it to your face......'i am not healthy enough to be in a committed relationship'

[hopeless66]

So I had the talk with her Monday night. We didn't talk for a couple days and she called me at about 11pm Monday night. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and that I have felt like she had been blowing me off all week. She said, "No I didn't, if it seemed that way than I am sorry.. That wasn't my intentions." I told her, "Look.. I told you I would be upfront with you and honest at all times. I am confused on where this is going. We have spent alot of time together for the last 2 months. I have been very patient and respectful to your wishes of taking things slow. I would just like to know where you see this going..

 

Her reply was, "I don't know where its going. I love hanging out with you. I am completely comfortable with you. I am just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life in general. I haven't been happy for awhile. It's not like I'm going out and trying to meet people. I am not interested in anyone else. I just don't know what to do to make myself happy."

 

I said, "I understand. My situation is I am becoming attatched to you. You know exactly how I feel about you and what I want so I'm not going to say it again. I feel like after 2 months of almost constantly hanging out and talking, if you question us trying it again then obviously its not the right time for us. I will always be here for you and I care about you immensely, however I need to protect myself. I'm not saying I am walking away from you and closing the door on us, but I need to start moving on again. I think right now we need space from each other. I feel like you are getting all the benefits of a relationship with me, however I am left trying to figure out whats happening. I think you need to figure yourself out and get yourself happy. If you want to contact me when you get to a better place, I hope you don't hesitate to pick up the phone."

 

She started to cry and said, "I want to continue hanging out."

 

I said "I would love that to but I don't think now is the right time."

 

She said, "OK, well call me if you want to get together or hang out."

 

I said, "Like I said, when you figure everything out and if you want to try again, call me. As for now I am moving on."