So he's confused again.

[confused2010]

So he tells me he's confused again...*sigh* To recap, he dumped me, started dating her right after. This all began at the end of November. Now he doesn't know what he wants. Now I'm lost too. What do you guys think??

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that the only thing he's confused about is how he can keep you on the shelf, while he enjoys his life with this other woman. This will go on as long as you allow it to, and until you stand up for yourself, and say "enough is enough."

 

I'm guessing that your goal is to win him back, but you're missing out on the real picture here. Is he someone you would want as a life partner, or someone you could put all of your trust in?

[coolchick64]

So he tells me he's confused again...*sigh* To recap, he dumped me, started dating her right after. This all began at the end of November. Now he doesn't know what he wants. Now I'm lost too. What do you guys think??

 

What does he say he's confused about? You? You vs. her? Are they still involved?

[confused2010]

I think that the only thing he's confused about is how he can keep you on the shelf, while he enjoys his life with this other woman. This will go on as long as you allow it to, and until you stand up for yourself, and say "enough is enough."

 

I'm guessing that your goal is to win him back, but you're missing out on the real picture here. Is he someone you would want as a life partner, or someone you could put all of your trust in?

 

*sigh* He is definitely someone I would want as my life, but the trust would have to be earned. I do not want us to pick up where we left off. I want a brand new relationship.

 

And I'm not sure he's really enjoying the new relationship anymore. I think the honeymoon period is starting to hit some speed bumps.

 

But I do also know that I should not be concerned with them. I should be concerned with me. I am trying, but it takes a whole lot out of me to try. I did start attending a support group at church. Although, I'm not sure if it's depressing me more to hear other people's stories that seem so painful as well. I just feel so lost. A few months ago I was happy, right where I wanted to be. I had my goals for the future. And now? I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. It just sucks! I know, I can only accept and go on....

[confused2010]

What does he say he's confused about? You? You vs. her? Are they still involved?

 

I asked him straight out "Are you confused about her." and he said yes. "Are you confused about getting back together with me but can't consider it b/c I'm such a mess right now?" He said yes. He says that things are "complicated" with them and there are a lot of factors.

 

They are still together.

[shessofly]

perhaps you should help him cut down on the confusion by telling him to go enjoy his new girl. maybe he won't be so confused if he's not playing with two women.

[confused2010]

perhaps you should help him cut down on the confusion by telling him to go enjoy his new girl. maybe he won't be so confused if he's not playing with two women.

 

I find that I'm growing tired of talk. Maybe I'm finally beginning to be able to let go??

[coolchick64]

I asked him straight out "Are you confused about her." and he said yes. "Are you confused about getting back together with me but can't consider it b/c I'm such a mess right now?" He said yes. He says that things are "complicated" with them and there are a lot of factors.

 

They are still together.

 

ohhhh. Best thing to do is back off, then. Mine said some stuff like that when he was still with his rebound and I told him I couldn't help him as long as he had another girlfriend (!) Eventually, things took their course and they broke up. At that point, he contacted me and we got back together.

 

So, I guess I'd say it's somewhat encouraging that (a) things aren't going well with them and (b) he's contacting you through it, but it doesn't serve you to be involved in any way. Just stand back and wait until the situation is a little less 'confusing' for him.

[confused2010]

ohhhh. Best thing to do is back off, then. Mine said some stuff like that when he was still with his rebound and I told him I couldn't help him as long as he had another girlfriend (!) Eventually, things took their course and they broke up. At that point, he contacted me and we got back together.

 

So, I guess I'd say it's somewhat encouraging that (a) things aren't going well with them and (b) he's contacting you through it, but it doesn't serve you to be involved in any way. Just stand back and wait until the situation is a little less 'confusing' for him.

 

Is it a bad thing that I still talk to him? About other things,nothing relationship related. He texts to see how I'm doing and comes by to check on me and I know I should care but I feel bad for not responding.

[atelis]

His confusion will end pretty quickly if you tell him you no longer want any contact and that you want to move forward wit your life.

[confused2010]

His confusion will end pretty quickly if you tell him you no longer want any contact and that you want to move forward wit your life.

 

As in he'll want me more because I'm letting go?

[coolchick64]

Is it a bad thing that I still talk to him? About other things,nothing relationship related. He texts to see how I'm doing and comes by to check on me and I know I should care but I feel bad for not responding.

 

You know, there are different opinions on this.

 

One way to look at it is he's someone you care about and you're not going to turn your back on him. Or, to put it another way, you're going to respond like a normal person would instead of acting like some mortally wounded victim.

 

The other side is that if you're available as a friend, you actually make it easier for a lame-*** rebound relationship to continue because you fill in for what the other girl lacks. Also, you give the impression that you're too available and somewhat of a doormat. Others in this camp will say you have to cut him off to make him miss you.

 

When I was going through that, I tended to go with view #1. I wasn't going to just ignore him. If he wrote to me, I wrote back, but always in kind---meaning if he asked how I was doing, I'd say, "fine thanks" and leave it at that. However, I did reach a point when I told him he had to stop contacting me because he wanted more and more contact and it was always a bunch of shallow BS. Basically, I didn't want to be his buddy while he was sleeping with some other woman, telling her he loved her, etc. etc. whatever. I would've helped him if he really needed me, but I didn't need the empty chit-chat, and I told him that.

 

Anyway, I think it's best to take each case as it comes. I wouldn't stop myself from writing back or something, if you feel like doing it. But remember he has someone else in his life. Don't be a doormat! Hold your head high and command some respect. On the other hand, if you get some message that suggests he's playing games with your emotions or trying to get an ego boost, blow him off.

 

I would add that you can't really manipulate him into coming back through your actions and it wouldn't be a good thing to try even if you could. Accept that he's with someone else, fade out of the picture, and let him live with the relationship he's in. If/when he decides he wants out, it'll be better for everyone if he decides it on his own. Stay above it all.

[1guygirl]

when all else fails, respect yourself and your dignity and let him go figure out his confusion with lots of space from you. that way he gets to see what lifes like without you. and what lifes like just with the rebound

 

yes its hits the skidders, he wasnt confused when it was all sweetness and light with her, was he? ...he was so sure bout leaving you back then...

 

hes throwing crumbs of hope, whilst ensuring, no sorry snaring you as an emotional air bag for his oh so conflicting trauma ...poor little lamb

 

i personally wouldnt stand for even hanging around an ex and his new bit of stuff, but you have and this is the price of it. a possible plan B, maybe C if someone hotter comes along

 

is this what you really want?

[confused2010]

You know, I'm not even sure what I want and what I will put up with anymore. I just know that I'm tired, exhausted. I'm ready for all this to be done and over with.

 

Acceptance. I know that that is what I have to learn, but it is oh so hard. I keep questioning, ,"why did this happen," and "how do I fix it." I feel like God is just telling me "because I said so!" And that is so hard for me to accept, so hard. I'm one of those who understands things better when I know the reasoning behind it, but it looks like this time I may never get an answer.

 

It is just so hard to let go. I know I have to, but I just can't seem to do it. I know it's not healthy, but I just keep doing it. I'm too stubborn for my own good.

 

I know my happiness and fate is all in my hands, but I somehow can't help but feel that it's somehow out of my hands. Sometimes I feel like I am just existing not living, just existing. I'm not the kind of person who likes to live day by day as it comes, I like to plan, far far ahead. It bothers me that I can't make plans because I don't know what it is that I want/see for the future.

 

After 3 months is this normal? At times I still feel like crawling in bed and crying. I have weekends where I just stay in bed and cry.

 

Why can't I let go of the past??