Servre fear of abandoment

[jimbobday]

So I have been through a depression and thought I had dealt with my fear of abandoment (Believed to be the root cause of my depression) through CBT but it appears I have not.

 

About three weeks ago I was contacted by my ex again (which was cool as I thought I was more than prepared to deal with it). Everything was going fine the first two weeks casually meeting up laughing like we used to and so on. Then this last week has been a lot harder (I can feel my fear of abandoment really badly kicking in again) so I have cut contact. I don't really want to do this as she is an absolutely awesome chick and enjoy hanging out as just friends or seeing what arises from that.

 

So I suppose the question I have is has anyone else had a servre fear of abandoment? if so how did you treat/deal with it?

 

As I find it really dehabilitating in every part of my life (I was doing the best I had ever done in my life before this fear kicked in again) and it could well be a huge downfall to any futher intimate relationships I have in the future.

[A Confused Penny]

I've currently been going through the same thing, it's actually hard for me to make any close friends. I push everyone away because I fear they will abandon me sooner or later just like my bf has done.

 

I don't know the details of your situation but it sounds like your ex is at least contacting you and trying to be friends with you. I wish I had that least that. I've been ignored for a long time.

 

I'd say if you need to cut contact with her for awhile then do so until you can feel better about it.

 

I'd like to see someone else's opinion on this because I know it's very hard to deal with.

[Amberlin]

I'm dealing with that now too, big time. Haven't fully come out of that dark spot yet, but here's what I'm doing ...

 

I'm learning about healthy boundaries in relationships. A lot of the times I was abandoned in the past had to due to the fact that I was putting too much stress on the relationships.

 

I'm focusing on my own life, things that I do by myself. I found a hobby that I love, I've found my direction in life ... and I'm starting to feel less of a need for people to always be around.

 

I remind myself that friendships come and go, it's a natural thing - don't focus too much on any one friendship.

 

These have helped, because they have made it so that I live my life for myself. I used to define a lot of my life by my friends - now I define it for myself.

 

But I'm still having problems. Now I have problems opening up to people. I don't like showing my vulnerabilities to people, and I still keep them at arm's distance. I try not to - I remind myself that I need to let people get near me ... but the more I'm depressed, the more I cut people out of my life because I'm scare they will walk away. So I'm not sure how much help my advice is!

[startinover]

I used to suffer from this too. Best suggestion I can give is focus on yourself and finding things enjoy, by yourself and with people. Get curious and experiment and be friendly. It may take a year or two, but eventually people will seek you and your time instead of the other way around.

[jimbobday]

Thanks for the advice guys. This is what I've been trying to do the last few months before my ex came back.

 

I have found hobbies I love and have almost found a direction in life. I think my ex just triggered something in me. I have found myself getting a bit aggressive with her (Not physically but mentally) which is not me at all.

 

So I think the best thing to do in this case would be to go completely NC again until I've had the time to sort out my issues with fear of abandoment?

 

Note I have never experienced this with anyone else but her and believe it may be our constant off and on behaviour that caused it.

 

She is trying to stay friends which I love her for but I'm always trying to push it to far i.e. she wouldn't give me her cellphone number (we only talk on msn) and I insisted if she wants to be friends she has to give me her cellphone number.

 

Another thing I have noticed is my constant need to be around people and feel this need is impacting on my whole life.

 

I've got another therapist session in a week so hopefully we can start to work through these issues (and maybe look at NLP or Hypnotherapy) but by the sounds of it, it may be a long hard struggle to get past this fear.

[Kyoot_Panda]

I'm dealing with something similar. I go through different phases where I start thinking that those close to me, usually family, are going to die at any moment and leave me all alone. I also randomly freak out that my bf is going to leave, I have no reason to feel this way, I just fear being left alone. I have pretty extreme emotions and tend to cry a lot, over nothing or over react to things to the point of anxiety attacks.

The abandonment issue for me comes from childhood and how both my parents worked for Delta and would leave me with baby sitters a lot, they got divorced when I was maybe 7, possibly younger. One baby sitter (a lady my dad was going to marry) would physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse me and I just wanted to be saved, I felt abandoned, I felt unloved and left behind. Out of this, however, did grow a great friendship and closeness with my mom, she was my savior in the end.

How I am dealing with this is well, Zoloft. I was on Zoloft 6 years ago but not for very long. I also have a biofeedback program which helps me to relax and calm my mind. My doctor giving me the Zoloft is going to be trying to help me make some life style changes to help me with my problems with these fears, stress, anxiety, etc. but in the mean time, to get me through the end of my semester, he's got me on pills.

[jimbobday]

Thanks guys and girls for the advice. Its helpful to know there are others going through what I'm going through. I've got my first NLP session tomorrow so Im hoping this is going to make a big difference

[jimbobday]

Thought I would post an update here on my first NLP session. It has made a huge difference so far. The usual anxiety I feel has died down from a huge intensity to just a little murmor (and I'm extremely tired which usually makes me more anxious). Hopefully my session next week will rid it completely.

 

So far would definitely recommend NLP. I will update in another week with progress. Then again a few weeks later. So if this works completely hopefully it will help others

[jimbobday]

It appears the NLP didn't work quite as well as id hoped. My ex contacted me again and said she doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to see me. Just wants me gone. I can feel the depression setting in already on a side note the anxiety isn't there like it was before.