Guys - What makes you cheat?

[NittanyKitten]

All I have to say this time is... I completely disagree with your last statement, Outlaw... I don't think there is such a thing as a girl "turning bad"... or a guy, for that matter... Highly confused, yes... unsure of themself, yes... not sure exactly what they want in a serious relationship, yes... but they aren't lost forever. At that time, yes, they're lost... but not to guys. These girls have lost themselves, and it's just a matter of time before she finds herself again.

[Outlaw2747]

People can be confused but people can turn bad as well. I know girls who just destroy guys for fun. I know guys like that too however. But I have seen bad boys turn good and bad girls stay the same. The NEVER change. I'm just talking from experience. I am hoping that isn't true because I see it all the time. I think the worst case of cheating is when this girl was dating this guy who went to Iraq and then she decides to cheat on him and go with the guy she used to go to AIT army training with. Imagine you are busting your behind out there in the desert getting shot at and you finally come home, only to witness that you girl is going with somebody that she went to training with (she in the army too). Now all your hopes and dreams....shattered in a blink of an eye. It was so sad it pissed ME off. If this girl cheated on that guy, what gives her a reason NOT to cheat on him? But back to the main question (which I have answered several times), not all guys cheat. The question is.....do all GIRLS cheat? I say no, there are a few good girls left. What do you fellas think?

[Trulyhonest]

I really think you look at cheating compleatly differently if you are cheated on. I myself found out about 2 weeks ago that my boyfriend of a year cheated on me. I think their are different ranks of cheating. A kiss is one thing, making out is another and having sex with someone else is in a whole different catagory. I think when u find out u have every right to be pissed and yell and get out everything u need to if the cheating went to the extent of sleeping with someone else....how is their an excuse for it? what you slipped and fell? and being drunk is not an excuse....you still have morals when ur drunk, whether or not u think of the consequences of your actions. I mean you have all the time in the world to think about what ur doing and just as my EX-boyfriend did....but he didn't think about what would happen when he did this. I don't think you can fully say if you'll forgive or not until ur actually in the situation. I honestly think u can be sorry, but your most likely only sorry cuz u got caught and ur losing someone who u supposedly love.

[gabrialscholz]

i think its pathetic what the world is turning into. i mean, i have a girlfriend who would never cheat on me and i know it. i would never cheat on her.. but in the town that i live in, more girls cheat that guys do. i cant stand listening to girls complain about how guys are never trust worthy (thats fair enough because im not saying that no guys cheat). i just thinks its lame that 1 person is never good enough for a lot of people these days. IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE ATLEAST TAKE 2 SECONDS TO CALL THEM AND SAY "HEY I DONT THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACHOTHER ANYMORE."

[Outlaw2747]

Yeah really Gab. It is getting old that we always appear as the scum. I have known more girls to cheat than guys but like someone mentioned earlier, it isn't really the sex, it is the type of person. Usually cocky or stuck-up or just plain mean. But anyways not even calling someone to break up with them just to get with someone else is excusable UNLESS....your partner really is a jerk and you need to move on. other than that it is just like cheating...but in a more formal way. breaking up with someone just to be with someone you found cuter or has more money just isn't right. Basically, if you break up for that reason, then all you did was waste that person's time just so you can be with this hotter, richer, etc person. Now if your partner is a jerk and mean, then i understand. And Gab, I really agree when you say these days one person isn't enough. It is so dumb man....if you going to go out with someone THINK ABOUT IT before the words I LOVE YOU come out. Then you would not have to be in the position to cheat or dump a person just because they don't have what you want. You would have already picked a person to your liking. I already found what want, I have NO EXCUSE to cheat or break up with my girl to go with someone "better". Think before you act and look before you leap. I couldn't agree with you more Gab.

[Princess777]

I too have pondered the phenomenon of people not thinking that one person is enough for them. After all, if they commit, stay committed until it is broken properly, why do people have to make the whole breakup worse by doing something so cowardly as cheating? I also think that some people cheat (male or female) just because of that.... they are cowards. They don't want to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and it's an easy out. They don't want the confrontation of a breakup so they cheat cause it's easier to be dysfunctional in their mind, rather than to rationalize the situation and be honest with their emotions and feelings and tell their partner that something is wrong that is making them unhappy. So instead they venture to the seemingly greener grass. And I agree that getting drunk is no excuse, there is NO excuse for ANY kind of cheating when a guy is with me, and as soon as I find out any kind of infidelity has occurred, I don't give him the time of day. I just cannot handle that because it would eat me alive, wondering what he's up to when I'm not around if I ever forgave him. I tried it once. My husband of nearly 11 years cheated on me several years ago, I've since remarried, however, I thought the world came to an end at the time. I never felt so low in my whole entire life. And it definitely marred my perception of men because, like someone else said, "my partner would NEVER cheat". My husband shocked everyone when he did that..... it was SO not in his character. So never say never, my friends. It does happen sometimes, no matter how much of a saint your partner is. I wish I could trust men like I used to but it will most likely never happen again. 10 years down the toilet..... I agree that no one knows or can control how they would react when they have been cheated on, when it really happens to them. The emotions are just too strong to say "be rational" or "listen to your partner". Cause at that moment in time, you just want to die of embarrassment, shame, and stupidity. At least I did. I try very hard not to implement any of those feelings into my new marriage, but admit it is very difficult to have faith sometimes after such a long time of trusting someone and being cheated on.

[Outlaw2747]

Your husband was a coward. He just threw away a good well spoken woman and people like that should not even be able to BREED! That really stinks and I am sorry about that. But do not let stupid jerks like that ruin your outlook on the rest of us. At one point, I could not stand women. The only way I'd go out with one is if she came after me and even then I was very untrusting of them. I had a childish intellect by believing that but eventually I convinced MYSELF that thinking all women were like that was wrong. And I decided to give it one more shot and I wound up having an extraordinary woman for a girlfriend. In any case, CHEATERS F*^%#$@ S*CK!!!

[Princess777]

You are exactly right. I am trying VERY hard not to be judgmental of my new husband in that respect, or any men for that matter. I don't feel I am worthy to judge anyone on their past, so I shouldn't feel like I am worthy to judge someone on something that hasn't happened yet. Right? I don't think anyone is better than anyone else to begin with, so I should just keep all that in mind when those feelings of the past creep in for no reason.

 

Great replies on this thread, thank you everyone!

[tiger_lilies]

When my ex came to me and confessed about cheating on me, I lost it! I basically freaked out and I've never reacted like this before to anything. I was screaming my head off at him. I was so enraged, all I could see was RED! I couldn't even cry I was so pissed off. Today thinking back, I still get pissed.

My husband shocked everyone when he did that..... it was SO not in his character. So never say never, my friends. It does happen sometimes, no matter how much of a saint your partner is.

 

My ex of 3 years was also someone whom I never thought would ever come close to cheating on me. We were close friends for years before we finally hooked up. Now I'm left wondering, if I can't even trust someone like my ex, then who can I trust? I trusted him wholeheartedly. I never questioned anything he did. It was NOT his charachter to cheat either, but he did. It ruined us. I tried so hard to forgive him because I could see that he was truly remorseful, but I had lost all trust in him and consquently our relationship ended. So, I've learned my lesson, EVEN NICE GUYS CHEAT!

[Princess777]

True, nice guys do cheat sometimes, but so do nice women. But I do not think it is fair to judge someone before they do something, which is difficult to do when you've been hurt before. However, we cannot go through life being afraid of giving our love to someone just because we're afraid of getting hurt, right? Because once we're gone, we're gone, and we'll never have another chance to find out IF you only trusted this person, would it have worked out okay?...... That would always be in the back of my mind. Hopefully most people can be objective instead of judgmental when going into new relationships or existing ones and not base them upon the past. After all, I wouldn't want a guy thinking I would cheat on him on the time, so it's not fair to him to think that he will either........

[Outlaw2747]

I sure don't cheat. I been cheated ON but I haven't cheated on anyone. So in general this dispels the very direct and highly inaccurate question of do all men cheat. Because we all don't. Once again, I hate being hated for everyone elses mistakes. I get mad at women and talk about them in a general sense but I do not blame every woman on the planet for the misdeeds of others. I am fully aware that not all girls are bad, so why can't girls be aware that not all guys cheat or are scum?

[Roffler]

Me? Nothing. I have been screwed around with before, and I can't stand it. The same question could be asked of women, what makes them cheat. At least for males, it is a primal instinct, dating back to early ages. Think of it, women would be pregnant thereforeeee "no good" to the man, so they had multiple partners. That's the primal logistics.

[SteveNaive]

Hmm, well I'd say a guy cheats for the same reason a girl cheats. Unfortunately I do not know what those reasons are seeingas so far I have always been cheated upon and never done it myself... Maybe it is just an urge to explore things? To see what else you can have? Maybe?!

[GymSweetie]

I would like to know how a single guy who cheats with a married woman might think & feel. Let's say maybe you have some commitment issues & you don't think you can love b/c you're afraid all women are out to trap you forever. So, you decide a married woman is a safe bet b/c she is already taken and thereforeeee cannot possibly be a threat to your freedom, but then you, surprise! "accidentally" fall in love with her. I would like to know especially how you then feel about her husband, do you arbor anger, guilt or jealousy for him...ever think about her sleeping with him & would your pride not be bothered by knowing that the woman you love goes home to another man? Would you ever consider exposing the affair to your mutual friends or her husband & why?

[snorklecookie]

I imagine you might find as many reasons for cheating as there are cheaters. The second part of this question, about not telling and deceiveing is a moral principle and those who lack it not only betray but they deceive as well.

 

[Outlaw2747]

Those are the worst. Not only are they with someone else, but they trick you by doing so. I hate those that go out with you so you can get back at their ex or whoever they want to make jealous and when the job is done, they float on over to who they really want. Or those who pretend to like you and be with you and then hop right on to another guy without warning. I have been victim of that game hundreds of times.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Why do men cheat? Well I am married and I am cheating on my wife, and here is why I think I cheat....

 

First of all....I have a good relationship with my wife. I love my kids. I feel most happy when I am at home with them.

 

Also, my wife is japanese. In many japanese marriages, sex does not play as much of an important role as it does in Western marriages. (I'm canadian). Some japanese married couples I know go months between love making.

 

My wife and I do not have sex much..maybe once every few months....To her it's normal, to me it's like being in prison. I have talked to her about it many times but she just replies that she doesn't need it. I don't think she is naive but I'm sure she doesn't have a clue that i need sex more than once every few months. Even though I have told her many times I NEED IT, she just like 'shrugs it off' like it's no big deal.

 

I love her and I do nice things for her: buy her flowers, take her out to dinner, give her a massage almost nightly after her shower. Do A LOT of cleaning up around the house etc.....But whenever I try to be intimate....she just says "NO".

 

Now, I know what some of you maybe thinking that she has someone on the side as well, but she has been this way since the first day I met her. It is not something new. I was planning on ending our relatonship about 7 years back, before we were married, but she became preganant so I didn't. I respected her wishes and we got married.

 

I guess it is partially my fault for not knowing this about japanese woman before I got married but now that I have children who are still very young(6 and3) I will never divorce my wife.

 

I am happy except for the sex / intimacy thing.

 

*****So for me, the reason I cheat is because I want intimacy. I want a woman to hold and kiss me while we make love. To feel her touch and hear her voice in my ear. To look in her eyes while we pleasure each other, Not just once every three months but often.

 

 

As simple as that for me.....the only problem being is that the woman I have recently been with...well.....I'm hurting, confused, and wondering if all the heart ache is worth it.....

 

oh well......

[Princess777]

Thank you for the insight, Mr. Wazowski. I have to give you credit for telling your story even though you will most likely be chastised from someone. I am sorry that you feel the need to cheat on your wife.... AND it is unfortunate that she does not want the intimacy with you. It helps me understand what drives the man to cheat.... however I am still confused:

 

I understand why you would WANT to cheat.... but what I still don't understand is why you are staying married to someone who does not satisfy all of your desires, and taking the risk of her and your kids finding out and that pain being subjected onto them. You evidently have never been cheated on? I truly feel that anyone who has had this happen to them would not cheat on anyone ever again. The pain is indescribable....

 

Why not get marriage counseling, or a divorce, still see your kids, and be happily intimate with someone else who fulfills that for you? Are you staying married because it's easier than rocking the boat? What would you do if your wife found out? How would you feel if you walked in and found her with another man? Even though you treat her so well, evidently she is not getting what she needs from you either. After all, being married is what that's all about, sharing EVERYTHING and staying faithful, what is the point of being married and not doing that?.... I would venture to say that even though you think your wife has no clue, she does. I think she's smarter than you give her credit for.

 

I wish you luck in that you can find what makes you happy, all in one package instead of spreading yourself so thin. Have you also thought about the fact that the woman you are cheating with is showing you that she does not respect the institute of marriage, and that how could anything ethical and solid, like a serious relationship, ever come from behavior like that? I guess if you only want her for sex then that wouldn't apply.....

 

Again, thank you very much for your insight.... it makes sense why you cheat, you're not having your sexual needs fulfilled. I guess I would suggest that you evaluate your marriage for either improvement or termination because why would you subject yourself to this inner turmoil when you could be at peace without causing other people so much pain down the road. And they will find out if they haven't already.....

 

Good luck.

[Mike_Wazowski]

I think one thing that you need to undertand is the difference in marriage in Japan and the States:

 

In the States: the main bond is between the Husband and the wife.

 

In Japan: the main bond is between the wife and the children. The husband is just the guy who pays the bills etc...

 

That is just a very general Comparison, not true in all cases of course.

 

 

Since I am white and my wife is Japanese, we as a couple had to go through A LOT of stress and arguments from her side of the family because they didn't want her to marry a foreign man. Anyways, all those problems are behind us now. The point being that for me to get a divorce would cause her to Lose face in the eyes of her parents. This is the case in many japanese marriages and many people stay married for their kids, for their chances to get job promotions(in Japan married men climb the corporate ladder much much faster the single men) and just so they don't 'Lose Face' from their friends and family.

 

 

To answer some of your questions.

 

I f I walked in on my wife and she was with another man.....That in itself would give me a Good Reason to divorce her and take my kids and move on. In that case, she has brought the 'Loss of Face' on herself.

 

You said she is not getting what she needs from me: Check this out.

 

In japan, japanese men are lazy slobs when it comes to household chores/ manners etc...For example..the man will say, "Get me a God damned beer and hurry up about it too".....and the woman will jump out of her chair and do it. Thats an extreme example but you get the picture.

 

 

I do the dishes , vacuum on the weekends, bring her flowers once and a while, give her a massage after her shower most nights etc.....

 

As I said, we have a great relationship....just hardly any sex....typically japanese marriage.

 

i've got some good advice from these forums and the woman who I am having an affair with ...well...it is just a fling...Of course I have feelings for her, but I know that is a dangerous thing, so I am just playing it cool!

 

Hope that helps you to understand me a bit.....

[Princess777]

Hmmmm.... ok. Yes, I understand the difference in the way marriage is viewed. I was with someone in the military for 11 years so I met a lot of different people and learned their cultures.

 

So basically the reason why you're not getting a divorce is because of your wife's parents opinion, and because you haven't caught your wife cheating on YOU, and also because you are content with being seen as a breadwinner and not as a person with feelings. So you are living your life for them? What about Mike's needs? What about Mike's wants, desires, and needs in life? What are you going to do one day when you wake up and decide that you're tired of living your life around someone else? It may be too late to find true happiness.

 

I'd advise to ditch the fling and take a long hard look at what you're doing and the real point of it all. You can't really love this woman you're married to or you would never cheat on her. What you are doing is not fair to her OR you.

 

Don't get me wrong, if you say you're happy with this arrangement, then I am happy for you. Whatever floats your boat, as they say.

 

Thank you for your explanation. I really do appreciate the insight. It is interesting.

[tmontana]

Hello all,

This is my 1st post so be nice . Anyway I think that the approach while a good start, could be slightly off. What I mean is that this particular issue is hard to generalize for either gender. Yes men cheat but that doesn't mean that women cheat less. I would venture to say that the ratio would be 1 to 1. When a person cheats more than likely something in the relationship is missing. Either they don't talk like they used to, or they don't make out like they used to, something that used to be isn't there anymore. If a guy is insecure about being desired then his mate hasn't done her job and vice versa. In a relationship both people are responsible to a degree for that other person's actions. A woman is responsible for doing certain things for her man. Men are visual creatures. If a nice looking lady passes by you can watch a group of guys as their necks turn to rubber to follow the lady's stride. So ladies don't get comfortable after you get the man, as that's only half of the battle. Comfortable= not working out, losing your manners, etc. There should always be a little magic to you. Unless the guy is a loser he probably will have an easier time being true to you, if you stay tuned to his needs. If that's the case then you need to know when it's time to throw in the towel and move on. I would love to get some feedback on my thoughts and given the number of posts in this thread I am sure you all won't disappoint me.

 

Are there any women in this thread that have cheated and if so, why?

[Ali07]

Hi-

 

I am not a guy, and I really don't know why they cheat, but I can tell you why I cheated. I cheated (one night stand) in the beginning of my long-distance relationship with my current boyfriend of three years because at the time I had no self esteem. I had gotten out of a mentally abusive relationship not long before, and I was not aware that I wasn't ready for another relationship. (Before I started seeing my current boyfriend, I had been fooling around with random guys out of a lack of self-respect.) Unfortunately, I never told him about the one night stand. Now, I still live with some guilt, but I honestly believe that it is not worth telling him about it now. He would take it as if I had done it NOW, and not trust me for the person I am now (recovered from the mental abuse, and now completely in love with him). Our relationship is great, and when this happened it had barely begun.

 

A lot of women cheat because they are not ready for something, or they have a lack of self-esteem

[timberline]

I think that everyone who responded here made very insightful comments. I believe that men and women cheat equally. I think women are better at getting away with it than men are but the bottom line is this... everyone who does it gets caught in the end. What is done in the dark eventually comes into the light. I've done it and been caught. I've caught people. You can only lie for so long. However, to answer the initial question... I can really only speak for myself. I cheated b/c I felt insecure. Even though my bf at the time was loving and attentive, I didn't feel secure with MYSELF. I felt unattractive, etc. so advances from other men were hard to turn down. However, in the end it only made me feel worse. I would never do it again, which is why I do not believe the addage "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe people can change IF THEY WANT TO. The cheaters who stay cheaters don't care enough to change their behavior. They don't have enough respect for themselves or for the people they hurt. I find that most cheaters end up alone in the end anyway. Let me know if anyone else has noticed this: with myself and people I've known, it seems that when someone strays on their partner it is rarely ever with someone better than their signifant other - not prettier/more handsome, smarter, funnier.... but that could also be b/c the people I've known in these situations are just good people.

[lonelyOhio]

Here's my story.

 

I almost cheated on my wife.

Well...I suppose it depends on your definition of "cheating". If "kissing" (ie out) a lot with the same person is "cheating" then I did...if not it's not...anyway.

 

I almost left my wife for this person.

 

Why?

Our relationship...or lack there of...has gone south. It's almost as if I'm just living with her and we share the same space.

 

I made a much more longer post about it (you can see it on Forum Index) for anyone to look at and give feedback on.

 

Why didn't I cheat?

I was, and still am, very good friends with the other female in question. I knew she went through something similar in her first marriage (she was single when I met her), and not only did I want to put my child through something like this,...but I didn't want to put her (the other woman) in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable/get massive ammounts of grief or hate from the wife/etc etc.

 

Yeah I guess I cared too much.

 

...I somewhat regret it though...

[Pensive]

I am in a similar situation as Mike Wazowski... I have a beautiful wife and 3 young kids, and ever since very early on in the relationship, lack of sex, affection, and intimacy has always been an issue. I always clung to the hope that someday she would change... but as we all know, you can't change people.

 

I have realized that my wife is just not a sexual person, never wants to be, and doesn't see it to be a problem at all. The constant rejection was too much and I couldn't even talk to her about the issue without having an argument, so I just bottled it all in for years. It was driving me crazy, then one day, the opportunity presented itself, and the sex has been mindblowingly great with the new girl. Now, I can't help seeing her...

 

I don't think I could ever bear to leave my family. Other than the lack of sex thing with the wife, things are generally great. I have finally succumbed after 14 faithful years with my wife ( since I was 18 ) and I've been having my affair for about 6 months now... I know this situation can't last forever, but for now, it's at least getting my pent up sexual frustations out of my system.