No contact BS

[BrotherD]

Well, here goes. We dated for about three months. Was told "Let's just be friends, I'm back with my ex... (They have been off an on again for years and they don't live together, I think this 'ex" is a smoke screen that is erected when anyone get's too close etc..) I said "no, see ya later, call me if things change..." Got a call two days later. Hooked up. Was okay but distant. Following weekend, tried to make a "move..." Was rejected big time and told "I said we're just friends!" Again, I said "see ya" A week or two later, we hooked up again accepting the "just friends" thing. That was January '04. During that time I have been subjected to insults and degrading comments, and a host of other unpleasant scenarios that are much too twisted and lengthy to go into here. I am clear that I should have instigated No Contact in Jan. Instead I allowed myself to be treated like horse dung for almost four months. I am very much in love with this person and the first three months we had alot of fun (although there were "red flags" strewn everywhere along the roadway) The person I knew at the beginning is dead replaced by an irritated, lying, upleasant be-yatch! what the hell happened? In April 04 I instigated NO CONTACT!

 

I must say NC works on the following levels

1.) My head is a lot clearer. I have distanced myself from the roller coaster of emotions and I am seeing the relationship in a completley new light. And my role in it.

2.) Distance and time has allowed me to do an inventory of the good and the bad in this relationship. The bad outweighs the good by a signifigant margin...

3.) Has allowed me to put away all the negative aspects of my partner and remember the good side and why we were drawn to each other in the first place

4.) Has made me realize how much power I have over the outcome of my life and this relationship i.e. Why would I want to be with someone who is clearly irritated with me? If it's unpleasant, move on! etc, etc...

 

Now here's the tough part and the place where I'm stuck and need advice.

 

It's been almost 6 weeks since we've spoke and it looks as if we're at a stalemate. The 6 weeks has really opened my eyes in regards to the role I played in the break down. I think I understand what I have to do now to make it better. How do I go about re-entering this persons life? I've changed, is it realistic to think the same on the other side? Will I be greeted with hostility if I call? Has too much time gone by? Will I be forgotten? I was treated so crappy near the end that I feel if I make contact I might as well write "doormat" on my forehead or say "boy that was fun(not) may I have some more abuse?"

 

We were at such a gloomy place six weeks ago, I initiated No Contact knowing full well of the aforementioned results. I am willing to be forgotten if it means going back to the BS we were doing before.

So, I'm cool with goodbye and yet I would still like to reconnect and test the waters. Whaddya think? Am I insane?

[Michael2]

All I can really say is that once her ex is in the picture, stay far away.

[BrotherD]

Agreed. That's another reason for NO CONTACT..Curious thing though. They've been on again off again etc. I think the whole relationship is a mirage...They don't live together and see each other one or two days out of the week...Sounds like FWB and a smokecreen. And if that's what it really is, again, NO CONTACT. If you want to cut the BS and get real, CALL ME! Until then I'm busy...Here's the insane part again, I'd really like to talk...Yikes!!!!! Help!!!!

[Singer]

Wow, sounds a lot like my story (which you can read here... link removed ). Knew each other for 2 years, dated exclusively for 4 months, got along great, had a great time, he told me he loved me pretty much every day..... then after a few mos. he decides that he doesn't want to date anymore, and a few weeks later he's with his ex. That was mid- to late-April.

 

Unlike in your case, they did live together (and probably do again now), but they hardly see each other because of work schedules. Also, he never treated me badly.... he was wonderful. I am totally in love with him. His ex is pretty much nuts. She has major issues, including trust issues. They have been on & off for a couple years. He has left her twice before, because they were arguing so much he couldn't stand it anymore.

 

I also want to get myself back into his life at some point, but I'm not sure how. His work schedule is so wild, it would be almost impossible for me to "accidentally" run into him, and if I did manage it, chances are his ex-ex would be with him. We talk about once a week now, usually initiated by me. I am unable to give up completely. And my feeling is, since she is such a miserable b****, and I WAS happy with him, why should I just be like, " Uh, yeah, OK, you can have him...." You know?????

[peachents]

I think it is likely she was on the rebound when she got involved with you which is why she has gone back to her ex.

 

If theyve broke up many times it is also likely to fail but dont wait around fro her, get out there and have a good time!

 

The red flags are a sign of the confusion caused by rship break ups and rebounding. This is also why (although doesnt excuse) she has blown hot and cold and has treated you bad toward the end.

 

You say the bad times heavily outweighed the bad... with this in mind - do you really want her back??

[raider5]

For both of you.

 

I'm in a similar situation: my girl went back to her ex too.

 

This happens ALL THE TIME. Everyone on here is so worried about getting back with their ex but it happens more often then you think. But it just doesn't seem to happen to those of us on here who really love them.

 

My ex's ex broke up with her twice before. I have a friend who went back and forth with her bf 4 times. Two of my best friends have broken up with there gf's before. Relationships to have hiccups, but repeated breakups are a sign that it probably won't work. I'd say if they broke up more than twice then it's probably not going to work. More than once and it MIGHT work. It all depends on the reasons for the breakup of course, and what issues they both face.

 

My ex's ex broke up with her twice because of distance, so there's a good chance they will stay together. On the other hand he's one of those men that can't love, she has fear of rejection issues, they both fight often, and he doesn't really love her. So it will probably fail years down the road when their married or something.

 

Singer: I would just give it time. It will probably fail. And he already shows himself to be a man that reconsiders his exs. So if you improve yourself, he will really think it was a mistake to leave you. Have you even dabbled at NC? After enough time, things will start to fail with her, if you seem to be getting more an more distant then he will really be struggling with why he left you in the first place. He'll be worried that he cant have you anymore.

 

BrotherD: I would check out the book, "Men who cant love." I know she's a girl, but you should see if any of the commitment issues apply. If she seems to be sabotaging the relationship when you move to the next level. She may simply be incurable. You don't want to go back and forth with her for years if she's the type of girl that can't commit. But I think this is rare. This is usually what guys suffer from. Women do have "passive" commitment issues. Is there anything about this guy which makes him permanently unavailable? That she'll never be able to move to the next step with this guy?

 

GOOD LUCK YOU TWO

[BrotherD]

Hey, thanks for the feedback. Can anyone out there share NO CONTACT experiences with the following criteria:

 

1.) How long have you been doing NO CONTACT

2.) Has anyone been contacted by their ex. What happened?

3.) Has anyone accidentily run into an ex ending NO CONTACT

 

 

I'm at 6 weeks. There are times when I'm blue, other times I feel pissed off ( a good sign? ) Like I said previously, I'm resolved to having no contact ever again. Having said that, I'm cooled off enough to re-open lines of communication. Any tips? Any firsthand experiences?

Thanks!!!!!

[DragonGirl724]

Brother,

 

i am the dumpee of an 8month relationship->now the SWF of 3 months. ive initiated NC for 2 months almost. i never contact him if we talk its b/c he IMs me which he hasnt done much of recently. i have not "accidently" tho i say accidently i should say i havent ran into my ex planned or unplanned. i might soon tho b/c he has my comic books i left at his house a long time ago so he said hell look for them asap. so i might see him or he just might P***Y out & mail them. only time will tell... i hate not knowing so this NC thing is killing me but watever its probably whats best for now... i feel as u do too. i feel we had enuff time or shall i say I had enuff time of NC that im ready to start speaking to him again. but i am also confused as to how i go about that... i can only HOPE hes thinkin about this as much as i am... grrrrrr i doubt it. tho earlier in april i called him & he said (in front of his friend!)-> "i was thinking about you alot today" and sounded very happy to talk. but yea that was well over a month ago.

 

0X damnit.

 

what now???? i dont feel anything is being accomplished with NC anymore. i used NC as time to get my head together & him do the same. now that i have what do i do now???? just wait???? ugh thats sooo not how i am. ima go-get'em kinda gal. i hate this waiting around BS! in a way i want an absolution either way it may go i just want a finalization. b/c he said he never gets bak w/ his exs but im different & i treated him better than any of his exs did....he just needs time to be w/o a GF since he had 1 relationship afta another since he started highschool... about 7 yrs ago.

 

any input guys & gals???

 

-DG724

[BrotherD]

DragonGirl724

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Where I'm at with NO CONTACT is as follows

 

I was treated like horse crap! I hung in there after the dreaded "let's be friends" thing was handed down and that was mistake #1. NEVER, I repeat NEVER hang in as friends. It doesn't work and in my case, the nicer I got the nastier it came back. My sweet pea turned in to a fork tongued beast! I'm tellin' ya, the minute they "smell" fear, neediness or "love," they are repelled.

NO CONTACT.

Familiarity breeds contempt. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. That should be the new definition of NO CONTACT. Boy I learned my lesson on this one. I hung in thinking things would change ( for 4 months!!!) Wrong. It got me nowhere!

 

As I have said before, If we never communicate again, I WILL LIVE!!!

I am clear on this. How I was treated had no name...And I can't call!

If I do, I am the biggest wimp on this earth.

 

So, we are in a pissing match. Who will break first? If ever?

[Azure13]

I completely feel your pain! I am sortof going through the same thing. I don't know what the heck they are thinking when they say they want to be friends but act like you carry some kind of bubonic plague when you're around them.. thats not how friends treat each other! I don't know, being friends is more painful if your the dumpee and for some reason who the heck knows, the dumper seems to think they can get off treating you bad even if you are "friends." I don't get it.

 

Anyway as for advice i just think keep up with the no contact and be strong.. trust me take it from me whose tried, being friends with a freshly made ex hurts more than anything.. don't give them the satisfaction.. it'll only hurt you more, do no contact.. from what you've written it sounds like she'll come back eventually.. but after how she's treated you/shown you of who she is as a person I hafta wonder if thats really a good thing or not Good luck with everything.

[Singer]

Thanks raider5, I am going to take your advice, at least as best I can!! Having a new job helps... Much less time to think than before. I have support in the meantime, from this board and also from my friends & family. My sister, who has known him for years, says exactly the same thing you do.

 

DragonGirl724: Maybe I can offer a little help - and please, NO OFFENSE to the guys reading this!!!! - but you know, "guy time" is totally different from ours. You say it's been a month since he last said he was thinking about you... but in his mind, that was probably like, a week ago!! Guys are not detail-oriented and thereforeeee do not keep track of things (like time passing) like we do. Esp. when they are the busy type. Trying to remember this might help you feel a little better, it helps me sometimes.