How do you react when you're being loved?

[Spirits Away]

1. Why do girls like to hear their boyfriends say they love her when their behavior showed it already?

 

i think females in particular emphasize love and how they're being loved... i believe it makes you guys have a certain feeling when you guys are truly being loved. When I have a hard time, my mother often emphasize her love as the solution. To me, when i have a hard time and my mother emphasize love on me, it feels like she's changing topics. I guess male functions differently because when someone say they love us, i honestly don't feel anything at all. Something just doesn't click

 

2. also, I don't understand why girls would actually post on their info/diary, in quote, what the guy said to her. So strange. What reason?? who does she want to show it to? is she just reminding herself?

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I think this is a great topic. It has been my experience that females in general think much differently than men. Of course it goes on an individual basis, but for the most part, females tend to analyze things a LOT more than men. To answer the first question, my opinion is that women like to hear some sort of reassurance that the male has a general interest in her feelings, and not just what's in her pants. She wants to know that she's not wasting her time, or investing her feelings in someone who is being fake nice just to get "some". Of course, this often backfires because a lot of men just say they love the girl just to get into the pants. But still, it's in our (female) nature to want that reassurance that there is a general concern for our well-being and not just a physical attraction.

 

About writing things down, I have done this many times and still do and I am in my thirties. I think we females do this to help us pick things apart and figure out what the guy really meant, when in all reality, we make things harder for ourselves. It has been my experience and is my opinion that a lot of males (if sincere about loving a girl) are basically straight forward and it's what you see is what you get. They aren't usually as complex as we think they are, and likewise with their thoughts. Whereas women can be a lot more conniving and evil (I admit) because of the WAY we think about all of the outcomes, etc. See what I mean? In my opinion, most men don't really think about how something they SAY affects a female. Females generally take every detail and analyze it..... I guess it's an evaluating tool, for our own inner self and for the male who is interested in us. It's our "job" to figure out his true intentions when all we really need to do is pay less attention to what they're saying and analyze what they are doing.

 

I hope this helps some.

[Princess777]

One more comment.... I think the reason why you don't feel anything when someone says they love you is because you probably need to work on loving yourself. I have this problem sometimes too. It is difficult to feel love from someone if you don't believe you are lovable. Everyone is lovable and deserves to feel happiness and enjoy the feelings of love. I hope you can work on that.

[emptiness]

I am a pretty insecure person, had a lot of crap in my life, and always thought I'd never be loved.

 

After being with my b/f for two years, I hadn't heard "those words" but we were so good together and I felt so loved that it didn't dawn on me that they hadn't been said.

 

In a simple conversation about the future, he revealed that he did not love me.

 

I guess, now in any future relationship I have, it is going to be something I want to hear. It has taken months and months and months for me to straighten my head around the fact that we don't have a future together.

 

Now, I still have never been loved, and don't particularly trust my feelings about love either. So that will be why I wait to hear those words before even starting to plan my life around someone else.

 

but thats just me!

[jasminebose]

Emptiness- I was just wondering how you found out he didn't love you and if he and you broke up? Do you think he has a problem with commitment or something?

[Spirits Away]

hi Princess777 & emptiness, thanx for the reply... I think i gained some more understanding after you guys explained a bit

 

You brought up an interesting point about not loving yourself so you can't feel love. So does loving yourself mean accepting yourself for who you are? or is there more to it?

 

expanding on "love", I sometimes wonder why girls would actually reciprocate love back when the guy cares & have genuine interest in her. I might sound wrong, but if girls are interested in me, i would not want to face them. Maybe because i feel their caring is painted with intention and expectation whereas girls wouldn't feel that way

 

Princess777, can you elaborate on "outcome based female"?

 

Also, I realized that girls talk for hours on the phone. What does "sharing" what happens on each other's lives do for you female? Males obviously don't share day to day events with each other, i mean if i want a friend out, i'll call them and the call may takes 2-3 minute and the point is accomplished, what keeps you guys on the phone for such a long time?

[Princess777]

Hello again,

 

To answer your question about loving yourself, I am not really the best person to ask about that because admittedly, I KNOW that I need to work on that myself, which I have been, but still have a lot of work to do and it gets very confusing. I have a hard time loving myself and thinking that I am good enough for special treatment, receiving gifts, etc. This comes from my childhood of being told I was too expensive to have around and didn't deserve or need new, nice things. A lot of guilt was placed upon me, and it still plagues me. It is extremely difficult to feel "right" about being extremely happy and carefree because it is not natural for me; it is more comfortable to revert back to feeling unworthy. I think it involves a lot more than just accepting yourself for who you are. I think it involves actually respecting and loving yourself, and working on establishing personal boundaries of things that you won't allow in your life, and not being afraid to stand up for those boundaries no matter what others think. You respect yourself enough to stick to your values, and you don't allow others to mistreat you or disrespect you.

 

About your feelings of a girl being interested in you, it just sounds to me like you're not really ready for a serious relationship... maybe you're young, inexperienced with girls, etc. but the time will most likely come one day when you are ready and you will desire a woman to settle down with. I know it might seem far off, and maybe it is. Just enjoy your time in the now, and try not to pressure yourself with something you're not ready for. Perhaps this is your sign to work on loving yourself instead so you will be able to have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

As for the outcome based female, I can only speak for myself, of course. I think a lot of women think like that, though..... we just analyze things, like, "OK, if I do this, what will happen?" and "If I say this, will he take it the wrong way?" ...... there are a milliion scenarios that go through my head, anyway. I'm not sure about all of them. This kind of goes into your next question.... why we talk so much to our girlfriends. Women like to talk things out, get their feelings out in the open and solve the problem at hand, whereas a lot of men, in my experience, of course, like to just sweep things under the rug and only handle them when there is absolutely no other choice, they sort of just go into denial that there even IS a problem, and this creates confusion in a lot of relationships. Women see this sometimes as "Oh, my man doesn't even care about this, he won't talk to me about it, or he won't listen". I don't think it's so much that men don't care, they just handle things differently than females. They don't ponder things usually, over and over in their head, with different results that could stem from their actions. Women on the other hand want to know every angle that could happen before they go into something. At least I do. I think something I should work on is to try to relax more and just enjoy the moment, (like men do usually) rather than worry so much about what "could" happen. Usually we make things out to be worse or more complex than they are.

 

I hope this helps you understand what I was trying to say.

[Derek]

Alot of good questions and answers in this thread.

 

Princess is very insightful.

 

I understand that girls talk for hours with other girls to create bonds by sharing issues. They learn it from when they are little. Just watch the TV show The View at how women can talk all over each other and finish each other's sentences and somehow feel the bond from that. Every time they share a "secret" they strengthen the network connections to the other girls.

 

Guys tend to get more bonded by doing things together and not saying much at all.

 

Girls try to do the sharing talk thing with guys and the guys tend to try to solve everything they bring up instead of listening to how the girl feels about it. So she suddenly feels cut off and not listened to when he cuts in with the solution, while he feels his solution was dismissed and he withdraws back to his TV thinking "why did she bring it up at all if she didn't want to deal with it".

 

Guys try to "do" stuff for his girl to show his love and she doesn't realize that is how he is showing his affection for her. He thinks, "she already knows I love her, here let me go mow the lawn.". While she needs to hear and feel him show affection for her as if he was courting her anew every day.

 

 

If you want to get into the psychology of it all, think about how females tend to use both sides of their brains more, while guys use one side at a time.

Guys tend to do one thing at a time well. Girls can juggle many things (thoughts, emotions) at a time. Guys tend to focus on one thing and miss details sometimes. There are a number of experiments that show this, the classic one is the following: Guys and girls are asked to count the number of times "The" is said in a story read to them. After the story

is done, both guys and girls get the number of "the"s right, but almost all the girls can recall many details of what the story was actually about. The guys couldn't remember the story at all because they were so focused on the task. They missed the forest for the trees.

 

So imagine if you were thinking about everything all at the same time, wouldn't you want to clear your thoughts by sharing it out loud with your friends to see what they think too?

 

On the other hand, if you could think of only a few things at a time, isn't it nice to not be influenced by what you feel about one thing onto the other things and be able to block out anything else from interrupting your thoughts?

 

Remember these are general tendencies, some guys can think of multiple things at once too but it doesn't come naturally and often they have to learn techniques to do it.

 

 

 

P.S. (If women sometimes influence what they feel about one thing onto other things, see how important it is for a guy to be sure to take care of the little things? If one of those little things is wrong, her entire world may be wrong.)

[Princess777]

Awesome thoughts Derek! Wow that was great. I'm re-reading that one several times and letting that soak in. I have only recently (the past couple years) been focusing on trying to figure out how men think, and your post makes a lot of sense.

 

I really believe that we women expect too much from men, in SOME areas, such as what you were talking about. This, however, is not an excuse for men, but more of a level of understanding that women need to familiarize themselves with in order to feel more loved than we do sometimes.

 

Again, great, great information here!!!! Thanks!

[Derek]

I have heard another interesting tidbit as well.

Remember this is just general tendences,

girls can be fiercely competitive as well sometimes.

 

Boys and men ask themselves continuously:

"Do I have what it takes?"

- to hit the football,

- to make a million dollars,

- to drive the race car

- to be a good father

- to seduce that girl

(Shows why they tend to competition more than connections)

 

Girls and women ask themselves:

"Am I worthy to be loved?"

- what will people think of me if I...

- do I look fat in this dress?

- if I don't do this, will people still love me?

- if I hit or miss the ball, what will my team think?

- if I go to that party, what new friends can I make?

- what do my friends think of my boyfriend?

(Shows why they tend to be sensitive to connections more than competition)

 

So from that, if you continuously remind a guy that he has what it takes, he will really appreciate that admiration. While if you tell a girl that you love her and she is wonderful and beautiful, she'll really like that show of affection.

 

 

 

[lytung]

I am very similar to Princess also...i totally like to overanalyze a situation...when there is an issue between my bf and I , i think about it day and nite, and sometimes analyze the situation and/or what to say when he does this and that to me. I think it is unhealthy but it is also part of my personality to analyze and to organize things in my life...(part of being a virgo I have read)

 

I do have some girlfriends who are NOT like me..so it is really a individual basis type of thing..(personality) ..but i do know that women are more emotional and process things differently from men...if you guys have read the book "men are from mars and women are from venus" you would understand men and women better...an important diference that the book talks about is the difference between how men and women react to stress. Men go into the "cave" (meaning dont like to talk, or share) and like to solve their problems by themselves ...whereas women solve problems by talking about it with their girlfriends or boyfriends, and talk out loud to discover a point..sharing and communicating (talking) brings us closer to the other person...and its really important to me in a relationship.

 

Also, regarding what emptiness have to say..my bf has not said the 3 words to me either and its been 7 months...i am thinking about asking him the "do you love me" question but do you guys have any advice as to should i ask or how to ask?

 

thanks ...

[Derek]

You asked about how to ask him if he loves you.

 

1. Use a word picture or visual examples to show how you feel rather than accusing or criticizing. Using

 

2. I've heard people say to phrase things with "I" statements, like "I feel"

 

"I feel ___________

When you _______

because _________"

 

I feel ignored when you don't talk to me. etc.

 

 

[Princess777]

I think another thing we need to think about here is that if you love someone and you're wondering if they love you, it should FEEL like you're loved. That clears a lot of thoughts up, for me, anyway.

 

To feel loved, to me is to know that I am his #1, no matter WHAT. I think this is where a lot of guys misconstrue females. They seem to establish that they love the girl, show it for awhile, make them feel special, then stop doing those things or do them less regularly. This then causes the female to think that his attention is elsewhere, whether it be on another female (another potential #1?) or whether it be completely innocent and he is thinking about work, going out with the guys, the game, etc. and he never meant anything bad by it at all. I think, like was mentioned before by Derek, that it is true that once men know they love a girl, they think the girl should know that everything is fine unless something literally happens and he breaks up with her. I don't think they quite understand the importance to females of "courtship" throughout the relationship. Some do and that is awesome, and those that know its importance reap the rewards, just as females who understand the way men think reap the rewards on their end. Again, communication is key, by repeating what you think you heard your partner say.

[OceanEyes]

^ Wow ... I never really thought of things like that. There are times when I feel VERY annoyed after arguments with my boyfriend, because he always seems to want to just 'talk later when we're calm', and I want to talk about it to feel better. When he says, 'I'll talk to you tomorrow' about something we're arguing about, it frustrates me so intensely that there have been times I've almost said, "Look, piss off and don't bother calling again if you're not going to sort this out". It can be unbelievably irritating and even very hurtful when you're arguing, and one person completely shuts themself off and expects you to just accept it. I think men just find comfort in dealing with things at a later date, after he's had time to think and cool down. I'll admit it drives me crazy!!

[Derek]

hmm,

 

I don't know everything by any means, but I find it interesting to try to better understand the differences between men and women.

 

That makes alot of sense to me that you would want to talk it out to get calm, while he wants to stop talking to get calm. Likely a compromise between both approaches is the best path.

 

Talking something to death isn't good either. But I can understand that you would feel cut off, you might feel like your opinion didn't count to him, perhaps feeling belittled, that he was trying to only talk on his terms and in his time and not allow you to express yourself the way you want.

There is some good info out there on how to "Fight Fair" in relationships.

 

Guys sometimes think that "talking" isn't "doing" anything about the issues. But they have to realize that talking itself is an act of "doing", for women especially.

 

 

[spyro]

What is love ?

Look at my signature!!

 

You can read "2" or "to"

It both fits...

 

When you quit the game, then it's really love.

We guys keep on hunting...

[walking-backwards]

I agree with everything on here, basically girls like to hear the stuff, flat out. It's like someone showing you something awesome in a store instead of telling them you're going to buy it for them. With guys, they're more physical people, and it's easier to understand what love really is if they can get something physical into it.

[atigdng]

WOW I would have to totally disagree with some of this being said, I am a guy and I think that if you really love the girl than you will be also VERY careful in what you say and how you say it. And also to think about everything she said and etc. That is what I do anyway.

[walking-backwards]

yeah, you should pay attention to and care about what she says and does, but keep in mind "totally disagreeing" with some of the stuff on here means you're just denying what girls are thinking, we're just explaining it flat out.