benefit to starting no contact again?

[brit]

here's the rundown

 

- bad break up

- told me to leave him alone

- did no contact, went to gym, happier outlook

- we started hanging out again - as friends

- now everything great - as friends

- get along amazing, share lots of things

 

- i can't get past this

- he is away all summer

- usually we talk on the phone weekly

 

is there a benefit to disappearing for a month or more to see if he starts wondering about me, and thinking about me?

 

* btw, he's in a band which is starting to break so lots of girls are after him now. hopefully it will grow old

 

thanks everyone

[murrayfaces]

Disappearing to see if he misses you is clearly a game. I know alot of us do play the games at times, but I think as we become wiser in the ways of relationships, we realize that we don't want to be involved in a relationship that is based on games, or has the tendency for them to occur.

At the risk of sounding harsh, it sounds like you needed some long-term no contact directly after relationship, that way you had time to get over him. It doesn't sound like you're completely over him romantically, which means friendship is the unhealthy substitute, in this case. If you go back to no contact, do it because you're trying to work on you, and get over him, not to try and active that "missing you" feeling in his heart, because it may not be there anymore. I'm not even going to address the part about him being in a band, because alot of times it's the mid-20's life crisis that puts alot of guys into these bands, and all of a sudden I see red warning flags(from experience with my ex partner).

[brit]

yes murrayfaces, i'm not over him. you're right. that's why i'm posting in a 'getting back together' forum. thank you for replying, though. points are well taken, but i am trying to get him back.

[murrayfaces]

The only thing I can say is, I don't know if "absense makes the heart grow fonder" is really true. I guess I didn't realize you wanted him back. Well, I know that some people who are trying to get their ex back do try a period of time away from each other, but from most of what I've seen "no contact" is used for people trying to get over their ex's and move on with their lives, without them. You forcing no contact in order to provoke a feeling of loss( of you) on his part is like I said, it's forced. I have to "force" no contact on myself every minute of the day, because I'm trying to get over someone, not to get them back. And there's nothing wrong with trying to get someone back. But I think you need to know that if he misses/wants you back/wants to try again, he's going to do so because he feels it in his heart - not because it's been a month since he's seen you. Sure, he may wonder what you're doing, or how you are during that time, but he may also start to move on himself, without you. Are you willing to take that chance?

 

What's your current relationship with him like, how often do you see him, is there any quality time together?

[Azure13]

Thats not entirely true, murrayfaces, sometimes the only way you can get someone back is by doing no contact. As in the case with my ex.. we were together for years.. then we broke up, he was so used to me trying to get back with him to make things work and being so desperate for the relationship I suppose, but this time I didn't try to get back with him.. I didn't talk to him for about a month and a half.. then guess who came crawling back after a month and a half of no contact.. my ex.. ironically by then I realized I didn't want him anymore...

 

When someone wants space, pouring your heart out and telling them how you feel even though it seems logical and the best thing to do, won't work. Its strange I know and it doesn't seem to make sense.. but sometimes the only way to get someone back is to just let that person go. That is if you've already told that person how you've felt.. and still got no where then just stop, give them space, if they love you they will miss you and come back. Maybe they need time to think without being bombarded by you trying to get back with them/talk to them. Thats your only chance if you've already shown/told them how you've felt.. saying it over and over won't get them to change their mind and will only make them lose respect for you.. I've made that mistake in the past. Good luck.