Insecurities and how can I deal with them?

[xcr0ssmyheartx]

I've been dating this guy for a month, and things have been going pretty well minus a few things.

 

Background info: I'm a 20 year old male, I've had one serious relationship that ended TERRIBLY about 6 months ago.

 

Him: 27 year old male and has already told me he was quite a * * * * * when he was in college, but isn't anymore.

 

Some things that have been bothering me are the ways in which he doesn't filter things. For example, whenever he sees someone that he feels is attractive, he will state that, and that kind of makes me feel a bit down on myself. I've brought it up to him, and he apologizes and says that it doesn't mean anything, and that he'll do whatever he can to make sure I'm comfortable and whatnot. I just kind of feel like I'm changing him to be someone who he isn't and blah.

 

Another thing, he has MANY gay male friends. I just sometimes feel insecure because of this, whereas all of my friends are girls (I've never really gotten close to men as friends). Some of them, as greetings, kiss him and that kind of turned me off too. He does, however, introduce me to all of his friends. He really is a sweet guy, and even though he does some of these things, I just get really insecure sometimes. I've already had breakdowns about this, and we talk about it. And he always ends up comforting me, telling me that he will give me a reason for me to trust him. It's just really hard to do, since my last boyfriend was a compulsive liar and I was terribly depressed for nearly 4 months afterwards. Am I being too insecure? How can I deal with things like this?

 

Oh, another thing. He hasn't tried to have sex with me yet, which makes me pretty happy. I don't want a guy that just want to have sex.

 

One last last thing, he lives about 40 minutes away, and I stay at his place on Friday nights until Monday mornings. So, we usually spend a good amount of time together during the weekends.

 

WALL OF TEXT, sorry

[hexaemeron]

He's not doing anything wrong, man. He's up front and honest about how he lives his life. Everything you mention is about "my insecurity" -- Why would you make him change to fix YOUR insecurity? You know what fixes your insecurity? You.

 

Are you really so frail and brittle of a person that your bf looking at guys and chatting with you about them and having gay friends who have a friendship peck are sending you into breakdowns?

 

If so, you don't need to be in a relationship, kiddo. You need to work on yourself and realize that it's your job to deal with your insecurities, not change him so you don't have to.

[ceez]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. He choose to be with you and he still is. And actually a lot of couples feel secure enough about their relationships to point out people they find attractive to one another. There's a few guys in my class who are in long term relationships that say they have a "look don't touch" role

[lukeb]

6 months is a little fast to be hopping back into a relationship especially if it ended badly. Do you think you are just a naturally insecure person or do you think your insecurities stem from your bad break-up?

 

I agree with what was said before, if anything I would take that he has a lot of friends as a good sign. If he is naturally somewhat affectionate, hugging kissing with his friends he shouldn't have to change that to appease to your insecurities.

 

He could be somewhat sensitive to if you object to him ogling other guys when you are with him. If he does it when he knows it bothers you, that could be something to talk about. It is probably true though that this is something he just naturally does, and he is not trying to hurt you. He may do it out of habit and he can learn not to do it as much.

[FathomFear]

Are you really so frail and brittle of a person that your bf looking at guys and chatting with you about them and having gay friends who have a friendship peck are sending you into breakdowns?

 

Well, I would say that the "problem" is that the OP is approaching the relationship in much the same way that a heterosexual person would approach a relationship. He doesn't seem comfortable with "friendship pecks" or his boyfriend checking out other guys and talking about it, as these typically are dynamics which don't exist between heterosexuals. The insecurities are likely rooted in his lack of gay friends.

 

To the OP--I would try to come to terms with these differences instead of being afraid of them. I mean, if a heterosexual couple walks down the street and walks by a very attractive man, for example, only one half of the couple (the woman) could be attracted to him. This leads to the whole charade of the woman pretending not to look, not giving any indication to her boyfriend that her interest is perked, etc. However, if you and your boyfriend walked by the same guy there would be no need to put on this charade as you share the same orientation. You both "could enjoy it", so to speak.

 

Just some food for thought.

[xcr0ssmyheartx]

Thanks for all of the advice guys. I honestly DO realize that this is me being insecure, it's just a matter of coping with it. I just feel like constantly bringing up, though it might help me, would only annoy him and ultimately turn badly.

 

I do agree with the unexposure to other gay men. Like I said, I've only known women, and mostly the * * * * * y kind that have their men by the balls (probably why they aren't usually successful in relationships).

 

I'm really going to try and go with the flow, and while it may seem really shallow of me, it's going to be tough. But if this could be something great and what's holding me back is my own insecurities, I'm just going to be really disappointed with myself.