sick to my stomach again..

[hopeful1]

I have an old thread under "we are talking but...." But, I don't seem to get any feedback so am starting a new one as I am having such a hard time today.

 

I have made no contact with my boyfriend for 30 days when realizing that he tries to control me with verbal assaults. We have been together off and on now for 3 1/2 years.

 

95% of the time is good but when he gets angry at me for little things I usually pull back and apply no contact.

 

At Easter weekend we had a wonderful time. We had not been together for 6 months due to no contact over a phone fight and no closure or break up. Both stubborn. He said he had missed me and that he loved me. But, the end of the last day he got mad at a fault he saw in me (over something I said regarding politics) and proceeded to lecture me. I kept trying to get him to stop with humor etc but finally just got angry. When I did that he did his usual "this is not going to work." But, instead of reacting I let him calm down and later he said we shouldn't talk politics. But, for over an hour after that he lectured me about polititcs in a general sense.

 

When I left that night I decided this wasn't going to work.

He left me a hello voice mail a few days later but nothing since. I have since started to miss him and as usual think there must be some way to work it out. I know we both love each other. I think he may have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Anyone have experience with that? Think that is why he tries to control me and thinks he has all the right answers about everything.

 

While I have been missing him these past 30 days I still have not felt in emotional pain. But, this morning made the mistake of calling his house and leaving a nice message when he didn't answer. Ever since then I feel like I blew it! The ball is in his court now and I feel ill wondering if I will hear from him again. I feel he will try and punish me by playing games and will make me wait now.

 

How do I get my power back? I don't want to feel this emotional pain again. I wish I hadn't called.

 

Help!

[lisaria]

Hi hopeful,

Don't sweat it, we all do supid things in the name of love. God knows I do. Have you heard anything? If so, what? If not, then i would keep up the no contact. He sounds kind of like a control freak to me. One thing about a good relationship is that you are supposed to have your own opinions about things. That's what makes them fall for you in the first place...Who YOU are. He's not supposed to try to change you. That says that he thinks there is something wrong with the way you are and people who loves us love us for who we are.

A good friendly argument can be kind of fun and good foreplay if you know what I mean. But it's not about being controlling and manipulative. He either likes you for you or doesn't. If he wants to change you then he needs to find someone else, don't you think?

I hope things work out for you.

lisaria

[hopeful1]

Well, the latest. I am not sure where I have been but feel it is time to post and vent.

 

He did call that night. He felt I should have returned his call 30 days ago. But, at least he returned my call the same day. After a long talk of mainly chit chat. Nothing real. He invited me out. I stayed the weekend. It was mostly great as usual but something still just isn't right. It all comes down to him lecturing me about how I have failed him. Not that I have done it recently but that he doens't think I understand the theory of his "hot buttons." Now, not that I have hit his hot buttons but that I don't understand the complexity of it all. OH MY! Instead of just enjoying the relationship he wants to dredge up all his hurts from 20 years ago done by his parents or x.

 

He tells me he loves me and wants me to live with him but I feel he wants me under his thumb.

 

The weekend ended ok but I had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach because there is no empathy on his side. He doesn't see any of the pain he has caused me but wants to blame me for pain I didn't even cause.

 

He called the Wednesday after... I called him back we talked. All was fine. But, he never called again. (3 weeks ago) He probably has a gut feeling that I want to tell him how I feel. He won't give me much time to talk when he does call. Which he will.

Any ideas how in a few short sentences to tell someone you tried but it is too painful loving them? I love him so much but what about my pain. I am not allowed to mention it or so it seems.

[hopeful1]

Oh, Lisaria.. I meant to thank you in the beginning of my post for your kind reply. How are things with you?

[tere]

I think that in your case you must start concentrating on yourself. I was in a relationship somehow similar to yours like 1.5 yr ago and to be honest it had me become a different person, I was like the "girl" he wanted me to be... and never was good enough, he made me feel so guilty for him mistreating me... and in the end I just realized that no man or anyone has the right to make you feel that way. Remember that abuse can also be done psychologically.

My opinion... is that you have to approach things different to the way you have been handling them, in his eyes he still controls and gets you to do what he wants... without him feeling guilty. He know how you are going to react. Now, your actions must reflect strenght and a confidence that no matter how he tries, you will not allow him to put you down

You have to regain control of yourself and put yourself in first place, learn how to set limits, love yourself! NC may help you focus on that... but I think it is important not to give in to the fact that you also have the right to choose... and if you are choosing not to be in pain and choosing to be happy, he must respect that.