I'm confused about this 'no contact' rule...

[pollylop]

Okay, I'm confused - who is meant to avoid contacting who, or is this supposed to be a mutual decision?

 

I recently separated from my boyfriend (for various reasons!) and whereas I had assumed he might want to give me a wide berth for a while, he contacts me at least once a day and I sort of feel that the least I can do, given that we lived together for nearly 4 years, is return his contact - not only that, but I miss him too and still love him, despite feeling strongly that we shouldn't get back together again. The contact we have is light-hearted and friendly (rather than lovey-dovey or emotional), but I'm concerned that he may just be contacting me because he's hoping for a reunion and that by continuing contact I could be leading him on and the last thing I want to do is hurt him any more. Is it okay to stay in contact with him as friends if that's what he says he wants (and is what I want if he's genuinely okay with it)?

[derek_w]

I think within time, you two can be friends again. The best thing to do is NO CONTACT. No phone, texting, emails, im's. I'm going through some hard times with my gf of 2 years and if and when we break, I plan on deleting her numbers from my phone, buddy list, friendster list, remove (but not destroy) any letters/photos of her from home/office, redecorate my room (because she's given me some of her paintings to hang). If she contacts me I will just ignore it. Try embarking on some new social activities, I plan on joining the gym soon to take my mind off things, and possibly meet new people for friends/dates. Hope this helps. I just registered here today, seeking some advice for my own relationship.

 

D

[pollylop]

Thanks, Derek! That sounds sensible. Difficult, though, as whereas in the run up to me making the break, I felt angry / upset enough at the way I was being treated to cut off all contact, I now feel really guilty at having ended it, even though I don't really have anything to feel guilty about. And then cutting off contact feels like i'm 'double dumping'! Think I'll do some work on the 'will power' front over the next few days! Best of luck with your girlfriend, whichever direction things take, I know it's not easy...

[murrayfaces]

I have to say that I don't think that initiating no contact is double dumping someone. You broke up for a reason, and those reasons must be remembered. If he has any feelings still left for you, he's channeling them through your "friendship." That's the dream for alot of people - getting to stay friend with your ex, until the dreaded things start to happen. You find out who they're seeing, what they're doing long-term in life, all without you, watching their life move on with someone new. If you really think both of you are OK watching each other move on with new people, then I guess that's OK. Heck, it worked for Jerri and Elaine(sorry, a little Seinfeld humor).

But personally, and I know what's worked the best for me, is a real policy of on contact. Sure, I've screwed up a few times here and there(mostly drink related), but I don't think I would have gotten this far otherwise.

 

See, before he left, I know I was praying for God to take him out of my life. Now God has, and I spent the last few weeks trying to figure out why this happened to me. Well, stupid me, our relationship was rotten to the core(it had gotten that way), and it was time to be over. I must say that one good thing came out of breaking my no contact policy and that is I remembered why we split in the first place. I remember what a horrible, nasty person he'd become, and I remembered that the person I once loved didn't exist anymore. In fact, he hadn't existed in several months. I was just clinging on waiting for him to change back, knowing that it never would. (I'm pretty sure he's behavior change stemmed from repressing all gay feelings he had for me, and the fact that I think he's a big huge junkie again. This time crystal meth, and not heroine).

 

One other thing about staying friends....how much of an impediment do you think talking to him will be in your attempts to find someone new romantically. Alot of people are turned off/scared off by someone who talks to their ex all of the time. Major baggage issues - in some people's eyes. And please don't think I'm passing judgment or anything here, but you know that's how alot of people feel. And although you may disagree, you have to look at it from their viewpoint. You had a multi-year relationship with this guy, obviously shared alot of each other's lives, so is this friendship yall have truly just a friendship, or is it the lingering memories of a long-term, romantic relationship.

[neallo82288]

A no contact period is a peiod of time that there is to be no contact between two parties. NC is to be used for each party to heal and work on themselves. If there is no chance for reconciliation then, I would suggest that you start a strenious NC period. He has the same feelings as you and probably does want to reconcile but he has to know in his heart that this is forever. By letting contact, you are holding yourself back as well. Yes, I see your point that letting his contact continue is sort of leading him on, because he still has feelings for you.

 

What you need to do is not really cut all contact, but sit down and tell him that you still have feelings for him, but you cannot see now or in the future that there will be a reconciliation. You must let him know that things are over now and forever, because without this knowledge he will grip onto hope. You have to be stern in your letting him have his closure. I would recommend that you give him his closure and move on with your life, because if he has no closure the pain will remain for alot longer than it should. Release his pain and your guilt, sit down and talk to him and let him know where you stand and breath a little easier. You have broken his heart and now is the time to let his heart breath. Give him some closure and let things go as they are. If down the road he feels that he can be your friend then let him make this decision. He is dreadfully hurt and he has to have some answers. Please, be kind and give him his closure and his answers.

 

Neallo

 

Hope this helped.

[EatZ]

No contact is so extremely difficult for both people, but more so for the person that has been dumped.

 

He's calling and talking to you because he doesn't want to lose that part of his life that he loves so much. You. If he was (or still is) madly, deeply in love with you, by leaving him you're most likely taking a part of him away with you. His calls -- to me -- show his desperation and his need to hear your voice, know how you are, what you're doing, etc... He obviously still cares for you very very much, and he doesn't want to let you go.

 

Actually more importantly, he doesn't want you to let him go.

 

These curiosities still get the better of me. No contact is extremely hard, and I'm still trying to resist calling my ex. She dumped me, but I still worry about her every day. There isn't a day I don't wonder what she's doing, if she's thinking about me, if she misses me, if she's okay... She's wounded me terribly and I'm still picking up the pieces, but I love her. It's stupid, I know, but I want her back.

 

I don't want to live a life of foolish hope though. In the long run it's delaying (and worsening) the pain to think that we could still have a future together. I think of my ex and I miss everything about her. EVERYTHING. Then I suddenly think of the future with her in it, and I become obsessed with having her back and get so overwhelmed with wanting to speak to her. I feel like I still need her, and he feels like he still needs you.

 

Be strong. By maintaining contact with him you're leading him on somewhat. I agree with Neallo. Have one last chat with him and give him closure.

 

The nicest, most flattering thing you could say to him -- in my opinion -- is to tell him that you don't want to live your life without him in it somehow, and you hope that he can still be your friend. But tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. Let him know you love him, but you're not IN love with him. He's most likely in shock and he probably doesn't realise that your mind really IS made up. That's what all of us dumpees think. We go into denial. We believe they'll come to their senses and want us back. As much as I want this to be untrue for my own selfish reasons, I'm slowly starting to realise there's nothing you can do to make an ex want you.

 

I haven't been given the closure I need yet. I still drift through the day missing and loving my ex. I hate no contact, but I'm sticking to it. It hurts me greatly, but the pain won't be forever. The sooner it starts, the sooner it ends.

[pollylop]

Thanks, guys! I guess I do just need to bite the bullet and suggest no contact for a while - otherwise we'll both continue to remain in limbo, unable to move on, plus I'm currently putting myself in danger of getting sucked back into the relationship, which I know can't be permanent (for the sake of my sanity!), so we'd both end up having to go through this all over again. I like the idea of an Elaine and Jerri relationship in the future (see Murrayface's post - not sure how to quote yet!). I think there's hope for that if we give ourselves time to recover now, as my new ex's best friend is his ex-girlfriend, so he's already experienced at making that transition!

 

Thanks, again.

[princesa]

Hello Pollylop,

 

I just wanted to say that I completely agree with the guys who posted their comments before me. Initial No Contact is a MUST, otherwise you can a) never get real closure b) never be real friends as you never really broke up c) never really move on.

 

It surely is more difficult for the one that has been dumped...but I admit it could be difficult also for the person who actually broke up, because somehow there still are feelings (they don't disappear just like that) even if there's no real point (enough love, maybe?) to continue the relationship. I was (sort of) dumped, told my ex not to be in any kind of contact with me anymore, and still he tried to call (once)...I deduce that it is or at least was difficult for him too, and no matter how much I want(ed) him to call + stay in touch...at the end of the day I'm happy he finally respected the No Contact-rule, it's been almost 2 months now...otherwise I don't think I could have gotten even this far in my healing...

 

So my advice is to give your ex time to heal. You can still be friends after some time. I'm still friends with my former ex, even though he's married and lives far away now. It took some time though. And I really truly wish I can be friends one day with my latest ex...but my heart's still hurting. When I'm ready to be friends, I'll contact him.

If your boyfriend says he's ready now, sorry to say but he's fooling himself and you, just to stay close. But that won't help him heal.

 

Hope this helped, this is my experience.

 

Take care, Princesa

[pollylop]

Thanks, Princesa - that's very helpful. I think I've been clinging onto contact with him because I'm still totally in love with him (I left because I've been pushed beyond endurance and not because I no longer love him, unfortunately) and this obviously isn't a great basis for a friendship just yet! I'll try and speak to my him about it today (ouch!).

 

You take care, too

pollylop

[AN2004]

No Contact is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I think the key is to cut everything out for awhile. I am friends with my ex brother, and I ended up blabling stuff to him that I felt. (kind of forget hes her brother) Well, this stuff got back to her (it wasnt bad stuff) and she called me up pissed. So I am really trying to do it but it is REALLY hard