long-term "no strings" relationship?

[sweetharmony]

I have been dating this guy since February. I was sort of dating two guys at the same time, causally, non-committal, wanted one, but that didn't work out, so I sort of started getting serious with this guy. He is going into his fourth year of med school and will probably be going to do his residency 1300 miles away. At first I liked this guy, but was pushing him away b/c I knew he was leaving in a year and really didn't want to invest my emotions in something I knew was going nowhere. He wasn't exactly what I wanted personality wise, but he's great on paper. He cares about people, very philanthropic, intelligent, cultural, artsy, passionate about so many things in life (film, art, politics, current events) and we just have a grea time together. Over the past three months, I casually dated him, looking for other dating oppty's (didn't really consider him my boyfriend) until recently. I almost broke up with him several times.

 

He told me from the beginning he was not looking for marriage and at first that pissed me off, b/c I am not looking for marriage right now, but I'd like to date someone who has the potential, but you never know. I don't want something with a finite end date- like Expiration Date: May 1, 2005. I just dread for that date- when it will all be over- his graduation. I am positive it won't go any further than that. We've been getting along really great and the sex is now really amazing. We do great things for each other and he is mentally stable (unlike the other guy I dated). However, he told me again, last night that he is so glad that I am not the kind of girl looking for marriage and he is so happy that he doesn't feel trapped (like in his last relationship). We talked about it and basically, I said to him that I know that this relationship is going to end next year and I accepted it. (I am aware rationally, but my heart just aches).

 

Not that I'm in love yet, but I could definitley fall in love at some point. I just recently started to have feelings. He even went along to say that when he leaves for residency he hopes that we will always remain friends (God, I feel like it's a break-up already) because he's not ready for anything so committed at this stage in his life. He says that he can't understand why women always say things like "why should I invest my heart into this if there is no potential for marriage." He lives by the philosphy have fun and live in the moment. I agree wholeheartedly, but he basically told me that I'm not the one and that it is ending next year. Yet, he makes plans with me to go skiing in December (way far from now) and really wants me to be exclusive and in a committed relationship with him for now. What do I do? Do I risk getting hurt, knowing it will end? or do I have fun and live in the moment. Why do guys make girls out to seem like the needy, insecure types, just b/c they want a relationship with the potential for marriage. No, I don't want to get married tomorrow or even next year, but what is so wrong with wanting to have possibilty for a future? the thing is, I never even brought up the marriage thing, he did. It's like all these guys and their disclaimers so early. Why doom it from the beginning. It really makes me feel like crap. I guess they're doing me a favor by giving me the option at the beginning whether or not to break up with them and not leading me on.

 

this is basically the same story as with the other guy I recently dated.

[tiger_lilies]

Well, it looks like this guy has his cake and is eating it too! I am not putting you down because of the first sentence. It basically means that this guy is telling you up front that he won't be around in a year and you have made that okay with yourself...or have you?

 

He may just be a commitment phobic...these guys are great for the time being, but horrible for any real future plans of course. As long as you are okay with this, then go ahead and have as much fun as you can with him.

 

But I suspect that you are not entirely okay with it, hence why you are writing to this forum.

wants me to be exclusive and in a committed relationship with him for now. What do I do? Do I risk getting hurt, knowing it will end?

 

Absolutly yes, you will get hurt in the end, unless you can hold back your feelings and take this as it is...a just-have-fun-relationship with no real future expected. Basically a non serious relationship.

 

It's a bit selfish for this guy to make you be exclusive to him...kinda like going back to the cake eating thing.

 

I understand you like him and with the way things are going, you might end up falling in love with him, but if I were you, I'd keep my eyes and ears open for someone who'd take me seriously for the long run. But that's just how I am...it all depends how you feel about this and whether you can handle this relationship having a time limit.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey,

 

I think this is hard...i personally don't think that i could do what this guy is doing...i don't think i could say to someone that i am happy at present but that i know its not going anywhere...my own feeling is that I have to be 100% commited to something from the word go in order to feel comfortable within a relationship - if i'm NOT entirely sure about things then i get out fast because i don't like the idea of having to say no to someone later on...

 

I think you need to have serious talks with this guy to work out what his problem is...make it clear that you're not really sure what the point is of hanging around if it is gonna end anyway...is it a convenience thing?? My ex is with someone at the moment and has told me it is a convenience relationship more than anything else...again, this is something i have done before, and it all ended badly - with the other person getting really hurt...it was something that changed my perceptions of relationships in the way i mentioned in the first paragraph...i will not get involved with anyone unless i am sure...

 

In that situation i was sleeping with a girl because it was convenient and we got on really well...but i always told her that i didn't want anything more. She sais she was ok with that, but she ended up VERY hurt, and had counselling because of it...and it really made me stop and think.

 

I wouldn't want you to end up being in that position and getting hurt as a result. I think the only way to make sure of this is to talk some more.

 

Let me know how you get on,

 

Cheers

Spatz

[Mr. Good Man]

Here's my take on the situation.

 

First, the man made it perfectly clear in the beginning that he is not interested in a relationship. At this point, it is up to the woman to decide if she is willing to stick around and be a sex partner. It is a choice that can be changed by making another choice.

 

Second, it is very difficult to spend a lot of time with someone and not become interested in them. Trust me I know because I have someone whom is my friend and we both stipulated, "We are not interested in a relationship." Fortunately, we are busy and see each other when time permits (once a month and sometimes once every three months).

 

Personally, I'm a little selfish now and focused on my career and so is she. We compliment each other for now and if that should change we agreed to let each other know. Will it hurt to not be with her anymore? Sure will! But that's the price you pay for being "just friends" with a little extra on the side.

 

Third, he may have commitment phobia, he may be busy and he may have problems. But what does it matter if he stated upfront, as clearly as possible, what he wanted? Spatzcolumbo said it best, "...I will not get involved with anyone unless i am sure...".

 

You have to ask yourself, "Can I be with this man until he leaves, have fun and not get hurt?" I doubt it but it's a call you have to make and it won't be easy.

[sweetharmony]

the thing is, he wants an exclusive long-term relationship (convenient for the year before he leaves). we see each other pretty regularly. although he is very busy with medical school, we see each other at least three times a week. I've met all his friends and hang out with them, too and when I met a few of the girls from his med school a couple of weeks ago, they all said, "it's finally great to meet you. we've heard so much about you." this happens every time I meet new frinds of his. His family knows about me. I've been to his medical prom. he takes me out to dinner and treats me pretty good- i've had to communicate my desires.

 

He told me th other day, that he feels so lucky to have finally met someone whom he feels very close to and physically attracted to. He said he's never had both, where he feels he can tell me anything. I said to him, are you crazy? I only date people that I am attracted to and have the possibilty of feeling close to- and usually, I obtain a certain level of closeness with my boyfriends. At least that's what I want and get by communicating. I don't just date one or the other. he didn't understand. We are getting closer and we have even planned a trip together this fall and planning stuff to do together over the next year- it's just strange knowing it's going to end. But I am having fun, but will know I get hurt in the end. DO you think he could develop feelings for me or will just block them? I don't think I will be okay with this type of relationship, but do I take the chance? If he were staying just one more year, then i'd consider giving him the chance, but one year is just not enough time to devlop such as strong bond.

 

But I don't wan to break up. How do I communicate my feelings about this? I guess I can just tell him that if he doesn't see it going anywhere, then i have the right to pursue other relationships and not commit myself to him. But I can't just date many people. I'm not wired that way. It's so confusing. Sorry for rambling.