A long read...but please send advice, opinions, or thoughts.

[kmk_53]

This will be a long read...but please read through it and tell me what you think, and maybe offer some advice to what action to take next.

 

This is where I am at...I am 26, have been single now for about 5 years. Girlfriends off and on, but it seems like every relationship I got into just turned out with me getting my heart broke. So I had become untrusting, and very secluded. I really decided after the last one, that I was going to take some time for me and take care of me. Then it happened....on Jan 18th of this year...my frist love looked me up. She e-mailed me through link removed and I replied. I noticed that her last name was diffrent, but I replied. She was still online when she got my message, and she IM'd me, and we chatted on yahoo for about 6 hours. I couldnt believe how much about this girl I still remembered. It was almost 10 years ago that we dated for about 9 months. I was her first (if you know what I mean). I was her first love, and she was mine. We have been in each others lives since we were 5 and 4 years old. We used to play together. Then we dated in High School. We caught up that first night. The next night and the few that followed, I told her about where I was in my life, and she told me about where she was in hers. She is married, but said she wasnt happy and was leaving him for a few reasons. Problem was that he was not at home. He is away, so she couldnt just leave him that instant. So we continued to talk and catch up and all. When one day after about a month of talking. She called me after she had returned from having a few drinks, she asked me to come and see her. Her words were, "When we dated in high school, I got this little tickle in my stomach area when I was around you...no one else has ever given them to me...I have to know if I will still get them....I have to know... come see me." So a few weeks later I did. I went for a long weekend. It was very weird at first i must admit. It was very good to see her though. It was nice to hang out with her as adults, rather than kids. The visit, needless to say, went well. The days and weeks after found us growing closer all the time. We talked on the phone almost every day, text message several times a day, and e-mailed each other several times a day. My feelings were growing for her fast, and hers for me were growing. About the beginning of March, she told me that she was in love with me and that she was 100% leaving him, and that she wanted to be with me. She told me that the thought of a life with me excited her. She promised me and pleaded to me that she was not leaving him for me. The end of March, I went for another weekend visit. Saying goodbye this time was very hard. I didnt want to go. This visit was very good. We talked alot and we got some things straight. So it seemed that everything was in place. Then the first week of April her husband came home. She still e-mailed me and text me when she could, but the phone calls were cut drasticly. Everything that she was telling me was that they had acouple serious talks and that she "stuck her foot in the door" so to speak. After he was home for about a week, he informed her that she had to leave again. She told me that she could not tell him that she was leaving him before he left. So she kind of forced herself to make him think that everything was okay. She was still telling me everything was okay between her and I. Last Thursday, he left again, and the night he left, I didnt hear from her. I finally got a text from her on Friday and I instantly knew something was wrong. When I talked to her that night, she told me that him leaving effected her more than she thought that it was going too, and that right now she was confused. So now we have been talking still, but it isnt the same because I have withdrawn alittle to prepare for my heart to get broke again. Her mood has picked up since last Friday, but she has made no other mention about us or any of the plans that we had made.

 

So this is where I am at for me now.....A part of me thinks that she wants to have her cake and eat it too in this case. I have thought about telling her to leave me alone and to call me when she is single. I guess I just dont understand what could have happened, basically overnight, to make things change so much. Maybe she is happy with him afterall.

 

Any thoughts, opinions, advice on this story would be great. Any questions about the story I will try and answer too.

 

Thank you all!

 

kmk

[BreArna]

wow umm sounds difficult.. Maybe she did realise that she loves him more then she had previously knew.. or maybe she knew all alone, but the thought of meeting up with an ex from high school was to much fun and excitment for her to ignore, especially because her husband was away. Its really hard to tell whats going on with her because it could be alot of things. Hmm if i was you id probably stop answering her phone calls, or keep them short and stop the msging and seeing her because after alls said and done is she still a married women. If she comes to you after shes told her hubby that its over then thats cool i guess but until then no matter what she says she wants, she is outa bounds. I probably havent helped at all but those r my thuoghts newayz

[faeriechyld]

Never get involved with married people.

 

I know you didn't mean for this to happen, you weren't expecting it, and you weren't prepared for it. We never are when we fall in love. But for the sake of your own heart and your own sanity, I suggest -you- end it.

 

She's unhappily married, she finds you...an old love, she starts imagining and getting thoughts in her head that things with you will be better than her marriage. It's partially due to the "honey-moon" stage starting up again in your relationship, partially due to the excitement of rekindling an old flame(it is always exciting to start a new relationship with an old flame because you can't help but think "we must have been meant to be if we found each other again"), and it's also due to the fact that for whatever reason, she had become unhappy in her marriage.

 

A dear friend of mine once wrote an essay on unhappily married people. To quote some of the things she said in her essay:

 

they start to envision a happiness with you." And that's an issue. They start to see that you're a person that makes them happy and that can just generate more unhappiness in their own relationship due to having happiness elsewhere.

 

To refer to High Fidelity.. you're not seeing someone's beat up cotton panties at that point. You're seeing the frilly lingerie.

 

There's the issue, also, of cheating. If someone, in an unhappy relationship, is willing to let herself fall in love with you.. what will happen when her relationship with you also becomes unhappy? Won't she just leave you for the next best thing that comes along? If she's willing to have this affair, however emotional and non-physical it is at this point.. what will happen later on down the road?

 

I think my friend had some interesting points that pertain to your situation. But something else I noted in your entry I wanted to comment on was where you said you thought about just having her call you when she's single. I think that is a good idea, probably the best in fact. In that way, you can more prove to yourself she's not really leaving her husband for you, and it will give her some time to sort out exactly what she wants...and give you the time to yourself you originally wanted.

 

And who knows, love may strike you again in the meantime, but I think the best course of action is to back off at least until she's no longer married. Getting romantically involved with married people is a no-win situation.